Joke Thread

[trinacriabob]

I couldn't believe I once stumbled onto a paperback Seattle joke book, given how it tends to be on the forefront of politically correct protocol.  However, from the cover and its fonts, you could tell it was hatched before that era.

Q:  What do you call an attractive person in Seattle?

A:  A visitor

- - - - -

Q:  What is a Bellevue housewife's favorite position?

A:  Facing Bellevue Square

[trinacriabob]

Q:  How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  Two.  One to hold it and the other one to keep drinking heavily until the room starts spinning around.

[Drew Dowdell]

13 minutes ago, trinacriabob said:

Q:  How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  Two.  One to hold it and the other one to keep drinking heavily until the room starts spinning around.

Older variation... How many Kennedys and Ted drinks till the room spins.

[trinacriabob]

On 5/13/2018 at 10:20 PM, Drew Dowdell said:

Older variation... How many Kennedys and Ted drinks till the room spins.

I don't know if this is true or not, but there was supposedly a debate with Jimmy Carter and Ted Kennedy in which Ted asked Carter a question.

Carter responded with, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it."

It was after "the incident." It would interesting to see if that really happened. One doesn't know if that's just folksy Southern talk (Carter farmed peanuts in Plains, GA) or a scripted jab of some sort.

Joke of that era -

Q:  Did you hear prostitutes are moving away from Washington (DC)?

A:  They don't want to work for peanuts.

[trinacriabob]

Q:  What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?

A:  She goes home.

[trinacriabob]

Heard this one this morning when discussing investment banker types and the "business card scene" from the movie "American Pyscho" ...

Q:  What do you call going golfing instead of going to church?

A:  Christian bail

(I don't golf.  I'm not the best about going to church, either.)

[G. David Felt]

Be like Doctor Strange!

He saw the ending of Infinity War 14 Million plus times and never said a Spoiler!  

[trinacriabob]

Q:  What do you call a person who speaks two languages?

A:  Bilingual

Q:  What do you call a person who speaks one language?

A:  American

[trinacriabob]

On 9/11/2013 at 1:20 AM, OhioTom76 said:

Disclaimer, a Puerto Rican friend of mine told me this joke, so I'm assuming it's OK to share, lol. I thought it was cute...

Q: How many Puerto Ricans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just Juan

I have been telling this joke to some people and they like it!

[Drew Dowdell]

On ‎7‎/‎15‎/‎2018 at 9:22 PM, trinacriabob said:

I have been telling this joke to some people and they like it!

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. Germans are efficient and not very funny. 

[trinacriabob]

15 minutes ago, Drew Dowdell said:

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one. Germans are efficient and not very funny. 

The second thing I learned in German, and from an Austrian, is:

"die Italiener sind lusting, die Spanier sind leidenschaftlich, und die Deutschen sind grundlich"

(Italians are entertaining, Spaniards are passionate, and Germans are exacting)

I cannot discuss the first thing I learned in German ... here.

I once told a German lady on a Lufthansa flight after landing in Portland when they had the nonstop service about the second thing I learned and she laughed and added, "Eess not only the Spaniards that are leidenschaftlich."  Too much!

Edited July 17, 2018 by trinacriabob

[ykX]

When you want to talk Business - you speak English

When you want to talk Love - you speak French 

When you want to talk Food - you speak Italian

When you drop a hammer on your leg - you speak Russian

[G. David Felt]

PNW Humor:

Policeman:  Lady, what gear were you in at the moment of the crash impact?
Oregonian:  Gear?  Oh, Nike of course! (Beaverton, Oregon is the corporate headquarters of Nike).

________________

A newcomer to Portland arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, ”Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?” The kid says, ”How should I know? I’m only 8.”

________________

Question:  What do you call two straight days of rain in Portland?
Answer:  A weekend.
________________

It only rains twice a year in Portland:  October through April and May through June.
________________

Question:  What does daylight-saving time mean in Portland?
Answer:  An extra hour of rain.
________________

 

What did the Portland native say to the Pillsbury Doughboy?
Answer:  Nice tan.

________________

A curious fellow died one day and found himself in limbo waiting in a long, long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of heaven. Others were led over to Satan, who threw them into a lake of fire. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss him or her to one side.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the better of him. He strolled over and tapped Old Nick on the shoulder.

“Excuse me, there, Your Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, and I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing some people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah,” Satan said with a grin. “Those are Portlanders. I’m letting them dry out so they’ll burn.”

________________

“I can’t believe it,” said the tourist.  “I’ve been here in Portland an entire week and it’s done nothing but rain.  When do you have summer here?”

“Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local.  “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”

[G. David Felt]

Balance

For six days God could not be found. Finally, on the seventh day, Michael, the archangel, found Him.

"Where have You been?" Michael asked.

God smiled deeply and proudly and pointed down through the clouds. "Look," He said. "Look what I've made."

Michael looked down, but was puzzled. "What is it?" he asked.

"It's a planet. And I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance? What do you mean?" asked Michael.

Pointing to the different parts of the Earth, God explained. "Over there I've place a continent of black people and there I've placed a continent of white people. Europe will have wealth an opportunity, Africa will be poor. There it will be extremely cold and there it will be extremely hot. Everything is in Balance."

The Archangel was impressed. He pointed out a land area and said, "What is that?"

"That's Washington State," said God, "the most glorious place on earth. It has beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers and streams, hills, forests and plains. The people there will be handsome, intelligent, modest and humorous. They will be hardworking, high achieving, sociable and producers of software."

Michael was in awe and filled with admiration. He asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled. "Yes," He said, "There's another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put in that place!"

[G. David Felt]

Living in the Pacific Northwest

You might be from Seattle or Portland if you:

§  You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

§  Use the statement “sun break” and know what it means.

§  You know a bride & groom that registered at REI.

§  When you drive out of town, every other guy in a pickup truck looks the governor.

§  When you drive out of town, even the Hondas have gun racks.

§  You can point in the direction of two or more volcanoes even though you can’t see them due to clouds.

§  Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

§  Everyday is casual Friday.

§  Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

§  Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

§  Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal.

§  Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it is not a real mountain.

§  Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, and Veneto’s.

§  Know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

§  Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah, Oregon and Willamette.

§  Consider swimming an indoor sport.

§  Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.

§  Are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and “Tomorrow’s  forecast: rain followed by showers.”

§  You cannot wait for a day with “showers and sun breaks.”

§  Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

§  Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.

§  Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

§  You exclaim “the mountain is out” when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.

§  Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and Gore-Tex coat.

§  Switch to your sandals when it gets about 60, but keep the socks on.

§  Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

§  Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

§  Buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old one after such a long time.

§  You often switch from “heat” to “a/c” in the same day.

§  You use a down comforter in the summer.

§  You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

§  You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (spring), Road Construction (summer) Deer & Elk season (Fall).

§  You complain about Californians as you sell your house to one for twice as much as you originally paid.

§  You think that the start of deer and elk season is a national holiday.

§  Pop is not only what you call your dad, but is the ONLY name for soda.

§  A Friday night date is taking you girlfriend shining for deer. Saturday you go the the local bowling alley.

[ykX]

Things only people from New Jersey get:

1. Our official mascot should be the holy trinity of pork roll, egg and cheese (aka the Taylor ham sandwich). Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried one.

2. We have a peculiar combination of pride and self-loathing about our state identity.

3. We know every which way to commute from New Jersey to Manhattan.

4. We define where we live based on turnpike (or parkway) exits.

5. And by malls. Are you near Cherry Hill, Bridgewater, Palisades, Freehold Raceway or Short Hills?

6. No one calls it “Joisey.”

7. But some of us do have some funny pronunciation. Repeat after us: wudder (water) and begel (bagel).

8. We don’t know how to pump our own gas. And we’re not sorry about it.

9. In some places, people hang out at coffee shops. We hang out at diners.

10. New Yorkers can have their $4 lattes. We’ll take Wawa coffee (and hoagies) any day.

11. North and South Jersey might as well be different states. And Central Jersey has an identity crisis.

12. No, that’s not raw sewage you’re smelling. It’s just Elizabeth.

13. It’s down the shore, people. And no, we’re not talking about that reality show that ruined our rep forever.

14. Cape May is Victorian perfection.

15. It’s where we get our hoagies delivered to us right on the beach.

16. We don’t like Bennys and Shoobies (you know…tourists from NY and PA) crowding our beaches in the summer.

17. But we’re happy to play host to the Jets and the Giants at East Rutherford’s MetLife Stadium.

18. In New Jersey, if it moves, there’s a tax on it. Except clothes. So we buy a lot of them.

19. We don’t really believe in the Jersey Devil…but Chris Christie is real.

20. But the Pine Barrens are most definitely haunted.

21. And our Garden State peaches, tomatoes and blueberries are undoubtedly the best in the country.

22. We know better than to make left turns. That’s what jug handles are for.

23. Speaking of jug handles, they’re a rite of passage. And boy is it fun watching out-of-towners trying to figure them out.

24. It’s impossible to avoid toll roads. That’s why we all have EZ-Pass.

25. Atlantic City should be reserved exclusively for bachelorette parties…and the Miss America pageant.

26. We’re not all mobsters and corrupt politicians, as The Sopranos and Boardwalk Empire might have you believe.

27. But we do know a lot of guys named Tony.

28. Snooki isn’t actually from NJ.

29. Bruce Springsteen is. He’s called “The Boss” for a reason.

30. And we’ll always heart Bon Jovi

[Drew Dowdell]

I'll have a #1, please.

but seriously, there is only one place in town I have found that I can buy pork roll. I'm the only one in the house that will eat it though I don't know why.

I think people just object to the name because the same people who turn their nose up at pork roll will go and eat salami or other deli hams.

[G. David Felt]

1 hour ago, Drew Dowdell said:

I'll have a #1, please.

but seriously, there is only one place in town I have found that I can buy pork roll. I'm the only one in the house that will eat it though I don't know why.

I think people just object to the name because the same people who turn their nose up at pork roll will go and eat salami or other deli hams.

East Coast Pork Roll AKA Spam on the west coast. I have tried both and like them both.

Take you Pork Roll, cut into little cubes, cook up in a pan till crunchy, drain on a plate with paper towels to dry up and set aside.

Next make creamy Mac N Cheese, then fold in your crunchy pork roll bits and save a little for on top. Serve and enjoy your cheesy goodness with crunch pork roll.  

[Drew Dowdell]

55 minutes ago, dfelt said:

East Coast Pork Roll AKA Spam on the west coast. I have tried both and like them both.

Take you Pork Roll, cut into little cubes, cook up in a pan till crunchy, drain on a plate with paper towels to dry up and set aside.

Next make creamy Mac N Cheese, then fold in your crunchy pork roll bits and save a little for on top. Serve and enjoy your cheesy goodness with crunch pork roll.  

Pork Roll and spam are not quite the same thing

[G. David Felt]

2 hours ago, Drew Dowdell said:

Pork Roll and spam are not quite the same thing

I know they are not the exact same thing, but close enough in being chopped up and formed pork products. Still crunchy cooked bits in Mac N Cheese is yummy ? 

[trinacriabob]

Q:  How do you stop an Italian person from talking?

A:  You tie their hands behind their back.

[trinacriabob]

On 7/17/2018 at 7:08 AM, ykX said:

When you want to talk Business - you speak English

When you want to talk Love - you speak French 

When you want to talk Food - you speak Italian

When you drop a hammer on your leg - you speak Russian

I like this.

I've heard it said that French is the language of love ... and diplomacy

I've heard it said that Italian is that language of art and music ... and, as you say, food.

I'd buy that English is now the language of commerce.

I know that I couldn't get into a groove with those taking Latin in high school.  I will own my fairly high nerdy quotient.  That of those taking Latin was more than I could relate to.

[G. David Felt]

Chinese worker: "Me not come to work, me sick."

Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

Chinese calls back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!" 

[trinacriabob]

Not really a joke, but a funny story with a joke embedded in it.

When I lived on Atlanta's north side, I would drive to the MARTA station and take the train to work.  (I couldn't believe all the trees ... beautiful.)  A couple of times, I would pass this chiropractor's office that was near a small private college.

This chiropractor had one of those message boards outside with the hanging letters that said "Free Spinal Exam."  The nearby college students would periodically remove some letters so the message would read "Free Sex."  Nowadays, that board would be electronic.  Regardless, I thought those college kids doing that must have had a good sense of humor.

 

Q:  What is New York's 6th borough?

A:  Miami.

[trinacriabob]

Not really a joke with a Q & A, but a thing that people used to joke about doing ... making dinner reservations under "Donner, party of 6." 

Tasteless, morose, funny?  You decide.

[trinacriabob]

Saying I heard:

"A poor Republican is like a cow that is pro-leather."

[G. David Felt]

• I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain
• On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?
• Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.
• A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.
• I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

[trinacriabob]

Q:  Why did the state of Arkansas have neither Halloween nor Thanksgiving in 1993?

A:  The witch moved to Washington and took the turkey with her.

Just repeating a joke I heard ...

[ykX]

Have you noticed how rarely you see DeLoreans on the road?

Apparently their owners only drive from time to time.

[trinacriabob]

Q:  What do you call a dog that can tell time?

.

.

.

A:  A watchdog

[trinacriabob]

Q:  What do tornadoes and divorces in Appalachia have in common?

A:  Either way, you lose the mobile home.

[G. David Felt]

Q: What is Covid-19 Really called?

?

?

?

A:The Boomer Remover!

I have convinced my grandma that the baby boomers are as dependent on technology as us.

When she said " you millennials are so addicted to technology" I quickly glanced at her life support. That was the last time she said it.

[ocnblu]

[G. David Felt]

Have to say I find this very funny!

[trinacriabob]

A retired Northeasterner in FL told me this joke, since it had occurred within his family and created flack ...

Q:  What do you call a marriage between a Sicilian and a Neapolitan?

A:  A mixed marriage.

(Historically, they're not the biggest fans of each other ... at least across the pond.)

[G. David Felt]

Who does Donald Trump have stand in as a body double for Melania Trump?

Steven Tyler

[ocnblu]

Who does Bill Clinton have stand in as a body double for Hillary Clinton? 

Any living, breathing piece of pussy he can grab.  ANYBODY but the real c.u.n.t. herself.

 

Edited August 21, 2020 by ocnblu

[trinacriabob]

"A poor Republican is like a cow that is pro-leather"

.

.

.

Aw shucks, I already posted this one before.

[G. David Felt]

8 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

Who does Bill Clinton have stand in as a body double for Hillary Clinton? 

Any living, breathing piece of pussy he can grab.  ANYBODY but the real c.u.n.t. herself.

 

Any woman would be better looking than Hillary, but do you have to drop to uneducated degrading terms for a woman? I am sure the joke could have been done without two specific terms.

[ocnblu]

You are funny, as if she deserves respect.  Notice we haven't heard a whisper of any cheating scandals in this White House.  And why on Earth would he?

[surreal1272]

18 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

You are funny, as if she deserves respect.  Notice we haven't heard a whisper of any cheating scandals in this White House.  And why on Earth would he?

“Mr. President, we have Stormy Daniels on line one”

LMMFAO!

You have to be high out of your mind to act like the p**** grabber himself has been “faithful”. That’s the best joke of the thread!

 

And you haven’t “heard a whisper”, because they’ve been too busy screaming it.

Edited August 21, 2020 by surreal1272

[G. David Felt]

12 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

You are funny, as if she deserves respect.  Notice we haven't heard a whisper of any cheating scandals in this White House.  And why on Earth would he?

Everyone deserves decency even when they are a lying unfaithful narcissist.

That is what sets a strong Multi-Cultural society apart from a racist one.

[ocnblu]

21 minutes ago, David said:

Everyone deserves decency even when they are a lying unfaithful narcissist.

That is what sets a strong Multi-Cultural society apart from a racist one.

It's "decent" to compare Melania Trump to Steven Tyler?  GTFO.

26 minutes ago, surreal1272 said:

That’s the best joke of the thread!

The BEST joke of the thread is... you cannot separate what happened within a private citizen's marriage before he was president from what happened between the POTUS and an intern IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

Once again, bozos in here start crap and expect a free pass.

[ocnblu]

46 minutes ago, trinacriabob said:

"A poor Republican is like a cow that is pro-leather"

.

.

.

Aw shucks, I already posted this one before.

Be careful, you're acting like Sleepy Joe!

[surreal1272]

51 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

It's "decent" to compare Melania Trump to Steven Tyler?  GTFO.

The BEST joke of the thread is... you cannot separate what happened within a private citizen's marriage before he was president from what happened between the POTUS and an intern IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

Once again, bozos in here start crap and expect a free pass.

Easy there snowflake. It’s called a joke. 
 

However, it’s amusing that you think it’s somehow okay to be a serial 30 year serial adulterer so long as he being faithful while he’s president (that you know of). 
 

And for the record, everyone with a brain knew that Bill was a horn dog but the GOP decided to spend $50 million (courtesy of the American taxpayer) to prove that he lied about getting a blowjob. I will say this. At least Bill and his dog wife had the balls to testify in person in front of Congress, unlike Mr. Written Answers only. 
 

Sorry but the truly best joke here is you for not getting the joke in the first damn place. 

47 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

Be careful, you're acting like Sleepy Joe!

“Sleepy Joe”

 

You misspelled Trump there. 

[surreal1272]

3 hours ago, surreal1272 said:

Easy there snowflake. It’s called a joke. 
 

However, it’s amusing that you think it’s somehow okay to be a 30 year serial adulterer so long as he is being faithful to his CURRENT WIFE while he’s president (that you know of). 
 

And for the record, everyone with a brain knew that Bill was a horn dog but the GOP decided to spend $50 million (courtesy of the American taxpayer) to prove that he lied about getting a blowjob. I will say this. At least Bill and his dog wife had the balls to testify in person in front of Congress, unlike Mr. Written Answers only. 
 

Sorry but the truly best joke here is you for not getting the joke in the first damn place. 

“Sleepy Joe”

 

You misspelled Trump there. 

Edited correction above (because that’s what I get for multi-tasking lol)

[oldshurst442]

On 8/21/2020 at 7:19 PM, ocnblu said:

You are funny, as if she deserves respect.  Notice we haven't heard a whisper of any cheating scandals in this White House.  And why on Earth would he?

 

https://fox8.com/news/trump-ordered-to-pay-44100-in-stormy-daniels-legal-fees/

 

 

Edited August 23, 2020 by oldshurst442

[G. David Felt]

On 8/21/2020 at 4:19 PM, ocnblu said:

You are funny, as if she deserves respect.  Notice we haven't heard a whisper of any cheating scandals in this White House.  And why on Earth would he?

Let's Look at the Facts. Potus45 cheated not once, but twice and married each cheater woman ending his marriage to the previous wife. He has tried to cover up his Golden Shower fun with prostitutes in Russia, He tried to cover up his affair with Stormy Daniels which is during the his marriage to the 3rd wife. He wants people to believe his lying dialogue of who he is.

Where did Hillary cheat or cause scandal in the white house? Her husband cheated but he was a known hound dog of woman and until he decided to try and cover up the Monica affair, he had not did what Potus45 had done.

Respect is earned and given and that is one thing even as much as the current president has not earned from the public, the position still deserved respect and while there are more jokes that tear the position and him down, this was not a joke that did that.

Yet you had to Degrade woman period with terms that should not be used. You had to find a way to lower yourself in making a joke that could have been funny about her to below her.

I have thought long and hard on this and @ocnblu you have no way to say that you did not on purpose degrade with your joke. 

That is something I did not do. This is all your own doing. Next time hopefully you will think twice as I am all for a joke even ones about Hillary Clinton that can be funny and clean. No need to degrade anyone or oneselve.

[oldshurst442]

5 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

It is irrelevant to the job he is doing for the country right now.

And its a shyte job...

You are just a denier...

You said he did not cheat...  Um...yes he did.  He even raped.   Little girls.  JUST like Slick Willie.  But YOU deny.  YOU get flustered when I say I hated the man waaaaay back in the late '80s.  That would be 30-35 years BEFORE he became President. 

YOU are just a PHOQUING hypocrite...

Oh...  HUSH money paid to Mizz Clifford for a non-disclosure clause through Cohen and then paid back and lied all about the whole thing WAS during his Presidency.  All that noise...was HINDERING his ability to LEAD THE PHOQUING COUNTRY...

Id say...same shyte as the guy who soiled a certain blue dress in the Oval Office.  But of course YOU wouldnt see it that way.   

1. YOU are an enabling denier for that POS of a human that is YOUR President

2. YOU are a HYPOCRITE because YOU toe party lines instead of what should be DECENT for YOUR country! 

3. YOU are part of the DIVISIVENESS problems in YOUR country!  

 

6 minutes ago, ocnblu said:

  AND she is not a "mail order bride". 

The word is still out on that.  LOL    

If you REALLY cared for Melania....YOU WOULDNT DEFEND THAT LYING SACK OF SHYTE!

She was HUMILIATED by him.  She had to hear from FOX NEWS that he had an affair with a PHOQUING PORN STAR DURING HIS MARRIAGE TO HER.   TWO PORN STARS!!!! 

SHE HAD TO HEAR how he had a non-disclosure agreement. TWO PHOQUING NON-DISCLOSURE AGREEMENTS. AND ALL THAT MONIES PAID WERE ILLEGALLY FUNDED AND PAID FOR.   DURING HIS PHOQUING PRESIDENCY! 

GET THE PHOQUE OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR RIGHTEOUS BULLSHYTE! 

 

[ocnblu]

Another Encyclopedia Brittanica.  How many ball point pens do you go through in a day of internet posting?