General Motors Appoints Zombie from the Future as CEO

[FAPTurbo]

Detroit – In a remarkable, trendsetting move, the General Motors board unanimously voted in favour of re-appointing Richard 'Rick' Wagoner as CEO of the automotive corporation.

"We're very pleased to have Rick back on board, despite his circumstances of having been dead for over two decades. The fact that he took the time to travel back from the future is testament to the man's devotion to our company"

Wagoner, who died in the year 2035, was reanimated in 2054 through a combination of nano-technology and voodoo by the United States of Canada. The USC's hopes are that by sending Zombie Wagoner back to the past, he'll use his expertise to recoup bailout funds in a quicker fashion than GM is currently doing now.

On a press conference held yesterday, Zombie Wagoner wasted no time in stating his intentions of reviving dead brands, and keeping them barely alive through the use of 'fleeting.'

"Fleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Fleeeeeeeeet! Poooooontiiiaaaaaaaac," were the recurring themes in the CEO's speech to reporters. Wagoner also repeatedly mentioned 'brains' in his address, likely hinting that the company was searching for new talent and blood in order to reenergize its design and marketing.

After the speech, Wagoner immediately hugged former CEO, and executive Frtiz Henderson, lavishing him with what appeared to be huge kiss on the forehead. After complaining of dizzyness minutes later, Henderson was rushed to the emergency room. Later in the day, Fritz left the the hospital where reporters found him bitten by Wagoner's upbeat optimism.

"Satuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrn. (gurgle) Fleeeeeeeeeeeeet. (grrrnnnggghhh) Impaaaalaaaaas" quipped Henderson, before feeding on a nearby Toyota sales rep, a signal that GM is upping the ante against its competitors.

Critics of the move were quick to point out that similar ideas were rarely successful. "I think we can all remember what occurred when Ford unfroze the body of their founder, Henry." remarked Dan Neil of the WSJ. "Insisting upon building only black, doorless Fusion SE's is what handed Mitsubishi the number two position in the marketplace."

Others questioned the company's dedication to reliability. "They can't even keep their CEO's internal organs from dropping to the floor, what makes taxpayers and customers think they can keep an engine from not doing the same thing?"

Environmentalists have also weighed in, expressing mixed feelings towards Zombie Wagoner's policies.

"If he revives SUV's, he's dead meat, both literally, and figuratively" claimed Greenpeace's Sage Hempfabric. The Sierra Club was more charitable: "We feel that Wagoner practices what he preaches. Eating the bodies of the living demonstrates that he is both committed to 'renewable' energy and resources, but that GM is also taking a stand against animal cruelty."

In Oshawa, home of Impala production, the plant manager was ecstatic over the appointment.

"I think Rick is proof that tired and dead things can still be productive, even if they were old in 1993!"

Advertisers are already capitalizing upon Rick's reanimation with a new campaign for the Impala:

"A ride so archaic and sedate, you'll think you're dead too!"

While Zombie Wagoner was mum about what the future had in store, he did take time to comment that Bob Lutz, at the ripe age of 122 in the year 2054, is still kicking more ass than you or I. A meteorite destined to hit Earth and destroy all life in 2033 was promptly obliterated when Lutz was formally asked to come out of retirement for the eigth time and beat the crap out of it with his bare hands.

This appointment marks the first time in the history of the world where a zombie from the future has ever been at the helm of a company. Apple holds the title of being the first corporation ever to have a zombie CEO, with Steve Jobs having been successfully reanimated since 2008.

[FAPTurbo]

I have to do a satire piece for school. Besides, there's no really good news in the automotive world these days, so making it up is worthwhile.

[SAmadei]

Ooooo... I love news from the future!

[Intrepidation]

The problems of tomorrow, today!

[Justin Bimmer]

GO GET ZOMBIE DELOREAN NOW!