Cleaning house...

[trinacriabob]

I have been thinking about this.

I have hung on to a lot of friends across time and miles despite career changes and moves. Some are worth hanging on to.

I have also thought about some friends (both male and female) who turned out to be either plain idiots or self-centered.

The male friends I can think of that I have parted ways with were based on the fact that they wanted me to: (1) bail them out of something financially, or (2) they got married and this made the friendship go south in a hurry because their wives evidently set their social calendar.

The female friends I can think of that I have parted ways with either: (1) liked me more than I liked them and wanted something more, or (2) tried to set me up with one of their friends where I would be the rescuing party...it was never someone I considered worth my time, thus showing their one-sidedness in coming up with such a fix-up.

(And for some previous C&Gers who thought I tended toward being misogynistic, I believe in equal opportunity discrimination - see (1) under male and (2) under female)

So, have you dumped friends along the way?

[Cory Wolfe]

Well... yes, I have. Usually not of my doing or just happens.

I guess being shy, some people tend to easily and quickly stray away from me while others try hard to become my friend. It's really weird, quite frankly. The only friend that's lasted, I don't really like anymore but still hang out with him. Anyways, the majority of all people mentioned are just indifferent to me, friend or not. I guess you could say I don't have the friends I want. Yeah... I'm weird, it's all weird.

[Croc]

Of course I do! There are so many people who just aren't that good of friends no matter how much you try to be to them. What I generally do:

1) If I feel the friendship is getting one-way, I stop talking to them.

2) I won't talk to them until they've intitiated contact more than once or twice.

3) If they fail to do this, obviously I'm not that high of a priority for them, and I mentally decide the friendship is pretty much gone.

I do this about once per year, and very rarely have I prematurely written someone off. I have "reinstated" a friendship before, but for that to happen I pretty much have to be won over all over again.

It happens. Then there are the people who keep clinging to me even when I am sick to death of them...they bother me far more than the fair-weather friends.

[balthazar]

So... about once per year you have to disassociate with a friend(s) because they do not fufill your 'friendship bylaws'?

Why never any middle ground, Croc?

[!!!TED!!!]

I had a friend who was pretty cool. We would shoot pool and drink beer etc. I always was invited to his parties and things were good.

But, he statrted getting wierd. He would claim he owns an island. He said that he raced motorcycles in the states, and had millions of dollars. That he had a private jet. He even claimed that he had a purple McLaren F1. Non of this was real, and he was slipping into a delusional state of percieved reality. He was very serious in his claims. I slowly disasociated myself from him.

I bump into him from time to time, and am still friendly, but thats it.

[Croc]

So... about once per year you have to disassociate with a friend(s) because they do not fufill your 'friendship bylaws'?

Why never any middle ground, Croc?

You really misinterpreted quite a bit there!

The once per year is just an overall average of when I lose touch with someone. I never just arbitrarily decide to cut people off! You're cracking me up here!!

"Friendship Bylaws" That's a good one, I'll remember it for the future

Seriously...what's so unreasonable about contemplating cutting someone loose when a friendship becomes one-way/ Do you really maintain a lot of one-way friendships? How do you possibly find those fulfilling and worthwhile? If someone never talks to me, never invites me to do something and never initiates any kind of contact whatsoever, what kind of friend are they? Not a very good one

[Paolino]

Only three times have I ever "dumped" friends. Both were deserving situations... I make it a rule to not do that, but if it starts affecting my life, it has to be done:

1) Suicidal friend from High School... spent YEARS trying to help my friend out but towards the end of the friendship, it just got WAY too heavy for me, because she would try to commit suicide and then call me at 6:15AM on my way to work and tell me she took pills and vodka to wash them down. This happened way too often. It was purely for an attention grabber. She also insisted she could communicate with the dead--and that she had spoken to my grandfather, describing things that were clearly not him (although she wouldn't accept that when I told her). Yeah. After a while, I just had to say buh bye, because I found myself stressed and depressed over what to do with her. She was on heavy medication from a psychiatrist but never a psychologist to deal with her probs.

2) This girl that was my friend's friend. She had serious issues with growing up, and insisted if I wasn't gay we'd be together (no effin' way). I never really liked her, but was civil as she was my friend's friend who ended up just remaining friends with her out of pity rather than a decent friendship. Anyway, this girl, would continually try to flirt with me, touch me, and whatever, despite the fact that she knew I was gay and I NEVER once made any suggestion I was interested... AND, I already had a hag, so that role wasn't going to be filled.

3) A guy who's ego is off the charts... was a college roommate. Knew I thought he was attractive, and he played on that. Lied to me left and right. Walked around naked in front of me, simply to know he was making me blush. Had me hide the fact that he was cheating daily on his gf (and now wife), over and over. After his father died suddenly, all of his friends including myself hung out with him to get him through it, and he just became a complete impossible jerk after that, spreading rumors about people including me, etc.

Those three I said bye to, and I don't regret those decisions AT ALL. I know how much it can hurt when a friend kinda dumps you, but guess what, it happens to everyone. I lost my friend that I had been friends with for 21 years, because I told him I was gay one day, and I haven't seen or heard from him since. Yet, a year ago, my parents were invited to his wedding.

[Sixty8panther]

Been there done that. Only happens for really earth shattering reasons. 9/10 of my friends I've lost touch wiht it's been just that. If I got a phone call from them or an email I'd be happy to invite them over to my house ASAP.

One of my best friends (Mike) from back in the day that I've known for years is out of touch with me right now but that does not mean we're not friends anymore. This is the kid wiht the two Corrados, first car was a '79 Regal and for years he had a Citation beater.

After not hearing from him in a long time he called me up and went: "Do you want an aluminum racing seat wiht a 4 point harness setup?, it's out of a SCCA Rabbit" I'm like that's perfect I wanted something along those lines for the Camaro. He told me to come and get it. He had just bought a VW Golf R32 and had no need to install a racing seat. SO in other words just because we were out of touch did not mean we were no longer friends.

Last time I talked to him he had gotten a new job and moved. He told me he was going to be in the area so I told him to stop by. He gave me one of his classic death-rides up and down the backroads of my town and I did the same in the Camaro.

With me it's more that I'm out of touch with some friends not that I'm cutting them off.

[balthazar]

You really misinterpreted quite a bit there! The once per year is just an overall average of when I lose touch with someone.  I never just arbitrarily decide to cut people off! You're cracking me up here!! "Friendship Bylaws" That's a good one, I'll remember it for the future

Oh, sorry, your post just came off that way.

Personally, I don't maintain a lot of one-way friendships, but I seldom lose touch with friends. Most I have I've had for many many years. I am a pretty good judge of character.

[frogger]

As I've matured and tried to improve myself as a person, there are some negative traits I've had to varying degrees in the past that I would like to think I've grown out of.

Traits others have mentioned in this thread already, being self-centred, negative/pessimistic, judgemental etc. I've also become less tolerant of those traits in people I call friends, so yeah I've let some friendships fade away on purpose.

[Croc]

Oh, sorry, your post just came off that way.

Personally, I don't maintain a lot of one-way friendships, but I seldom lose touch with friends. Most I have I've had for many many years. I am a pretty good judge of character.

Same here. It's just that in my case, when it happens it happens. I have far more acquaintances than actual close friends, and my inner circle really never changes, though the outer one does about once a year when I get tired of someone's BS.

[Croc]

As I've matured and tried to improve myself as a person, there are some negative traits I've had to varying degrees in the past that I would like to think I've grown out of.

Traits others have mentioned in this thread already, being self-centred, negative/pessimistic, judgemental etc. I've also become less tolerant of those traits in people I call friends, so yeah I've let some friendships fade away on purpose.

Same. The judgmental bit is the deal clincher for me...especially in the "you're going to Hell if you do ___" context. I don't have a problem with people with strong opinions, as long as they are capable of intelligent discourse, but I really tire quickly of moral condemnation.

[mustang84]

Actually, there is someone right now that I'm thinking of cutting out of my life. I went on a couple dates with this girl in November and early December and she just seemed so amazing at the time. She even invited me to go to Las Vegas with her this summer. Ever since the last week of school last semester, we've been drifting further apart for reasons I don't know. I've tried to set up stuff to do, but she either declines or doesn't respond. I've even just tried talking to her on AOL or calling her up, and she ignores me. I'm assuming she's mad about something, but I don't know what. I can't think of anything that I've done that would have made her mad. She's from So Cal, but now she stays holed up in her room all the time (we live on the same floor). I don't like being ignored, especially when I don't know the reason for it. As much as I really don't want to, I'm probably going to cut her loose and just move on...it's beyond the point of salvaging.

Usually I don't cut friends loose though. I've fallen out of contact with a few good friends (roomates from past years), but like bathalzar mentioned, I have found friends with pretty good character.

Sometimes when I go back home for break I'll see someone from high school (usually a jock/prep/etc) that never talked to me in high school but is now all the sudden interested in catching up on old times (like we had any old times in the first place). I've found that I've kept pretty good contact with a lot of my high school friends...you can tell which ones were truly your friends in high school as the years pass.