Jokes - California

[haypops]

We Californians get a lot of not so friendly ribbing around here; so here are some jokes to calm you all down. Enjoy

Californians

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You! 've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,

and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball

cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license.

If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[Black and Blue Landscaper]

21. If you are female most likely you have more plastic than in your Honda.

[z28luvr01]

22. You're sitting in a traffic jam on the highway. And the highway has six lanes on each side.

[Cory Wolfe]

23. You'll never consider a Pontiac.

[turbo200]

they're all genious.

24. It's rained two inches and reports of street flooding are on the news.

25. It's rained for two weeks straight, the only two weeks out of the last year that it's rained, and Los Angelenos are on the news, literally crying asking why this is happenning to Los Angeles.

26. You're from somewhere else, it's been six months and it's been sunny everyday. You stand outside on your balcony, it's February, Chicago has below zero temps, and it's 70 and it's perfectly cloudless.

[pow]

27. Domestic cars seem rare and exotic to you

[Nick]

28.The freeway transitions from 5 lanes to 6 lanes yet the flow of traffic stays constant.

29. You know well enough to stay off the 405 at 4:00 or 5:00 otherwise you will be driving 4 or 5 mph.

30. You know if you are in bumper to bumper traffic, the issue is probably an accident on the opposite side of the freeway, or there is a sign up ahead.

[Croc]

31. You put "the" in front of all your highway numbers

32. Baseball games in the morning are not at all unusual

33. You follow water polo and know what song girls are.

Edited January 12, 2006 by Croc

[Sixty8panther]

34. Your political views are left of Castro but your Governor is a Republican Mr. Universe.

[Turbojett]

29. You know well enough to stay off the 405 at 4:00 or 5:00 otherwise you will be driving 4 or 5 mph.

dude...not even. you'll be sitting stationary in one spot for about half an hour.

39: you think 55 degrees is UNBEARABLY FREEZING.

40: when you get mugged, you nonchalantly hand over your wallet without missing a step and tell the mugger to "keep the change"

41:you don't know a single person whose car is exactly as it left the factory.

42: when you hear people talking about sighting Ferraris and Lamborghinis over the internet, you think "so what? there's a Ferrari dealership two blocks from my house."

43: There is a Ferrari dealership two blocks from your house.

44: when you went to school, the "halls" were outside.

[Dsuupr]

I got a full joke for you that Oregonians love.

There are 3 guys camping. One from Oregon, one from New York and one from California.

While sitting around the New Yorker decides it would be fun to throw up the beer cans they've finished off to shoot at. He throws up the first one and hits it spot on.

The Californian looks at him and says I bet I can do that with my eyes closed. So he throws up the can, closes his eyes and hits the can spot on.

Without missing a beat the Oregonian joins in the fun and throws a can in to the air only to turn to the Californian and shoot him. The New Yorker panics and says, "What did you do that for?".

The Oregonian reponds, "Californians are a dime a dozen, the cans worth a nickel."

Point here;

45. You moved to the Northwest purchased a 5000 sq ft home for a 1/4 of the price of the home you sold in LA only to move back to LA a year later due to weather depression, wondering how you can afford a home again in LA.

Edited January 13, 2006 by Dsuupr

[The O.C.]

46. You go to the local (every Saturday) Newport Coast hot rod/exotic car show and see 4 Ford GTs, 2 Ferrari F40s, and 2 Ferrari Enzos at ONCE...

47. You go to the local (every Saturday) Newport Coast hot rod/exotic car show and.....you cruise the parking lot.....because the parking lot FOR the car show has almost as many cool cars as the car show itself...

[OCcarnut]

48. You are keenly aware of the difference between SMOG and the MARINE LAYER.

49. EVERY Saturday during the summer has beautiful weather (really, every day period), 75-80 degrees, sun shining, no humidity, but everybody, including the news and radio DJ's are taking about "what a beautiful day it is" and how "gorgeous" the weather is.

[Croc]

50. "June Gloom" means something to you.

[OCcarnut]

51. All the heterosexual people in the neighborhood are now happy that the gay couple moved into the house next door, re-landscaped, re-modeled and have driven up every home value on the block. Plus, they through a killer house warming party.

[Turbojett]

52. You know who(what) "Coastal Eddy" is.

[Fijian]

53. You hella use the world "hella" and "like"-- in like every sentence.

[Nick]

53. You hella use the world "hella" and "like"-- in like every sentence.

Northern California FTL

[haypops]

54. Local Lexus dealer sold almost 1100 new cars last month. It must be the dry cleaning service and starbucks coffee they offer.

[Croc]

55. Your mother wears Juicy Couture.

[pow]

55.  Your mother wears Juicy Couture.

56. Your neighbor is the VP for Juicy Couture.

[trinacriabob]

57. You "go to the snow" instead of having it come to you.

58. Every numbered freeway has a "the" in front of it

59. Weather is "partly cloudy" whereas in Seattle it's "partly sunny"

60. You know some words in Farsi...and you're Anglo

61. People actually BRAG about their plastic surgery

62. The two parts of the state (north/south) hate each other and would like to secede (from each other)

63. Your mayor is likely to be a movie star (...and that can lead to scary things)

64. You have a 3.3 high school GPA, are Anglo and are ABLE to get into a UC school because of the diversity you offer

[Turbojett]

53. You hella use the world "hella" and "like"-- in like every sentence.

"like" yes.

"hella", hella No.

...oh dammit.

[pow]

64.  You have a 3.3 high school GPA, are Anglo and are ABLE to get into a UC school because of the diversity you offer

LOL That's so true... technically, many minorities (Asians) are actually discriminated against under affirmative action.

[Croc]

58.  Every numbered freeway has a "the" in front of it

I already got that one :AH-HA_wink:

[Cory Wolfe]

65. You really wouldn't consider a Pontiac. (it deserves two, since it's so true)

[trinacriabob]

I already got that one :AH-HA_wink:

Sorry. I may be clueless, but what is "Juicy Couture"?

[turbo200]

Juicy Couture=brand of clothing

68. A number of rap stars, rap producers, and rapper's girlfriends work out at your club and you had no idea until you overheard them talking.

[haypops]

65. You really wouldn't consider a Pontiac. (it deserves two, since it's so true)

Well I am a Californian and have a Pontiac! My dealer and his competitors will be very sad to hear of your suggestion. Isn't California the top state for GTO sales.

[Croc]

See all those belly-baring, hooded velour tracksuits in various shades of pink, deep red, black and green? You know, the ones that have JUICY plastered over the butt? Yea...that's Juicy Couture.

wildmanjoe: I haven't encountered much of a vernacular difference at all. Oh, and Mellow Yellow (as well as) Jack-In-The-Box is national, even in the midwest :AH-HA_wink: Though your post leads me to:

69. In-N-Out is THE place to get a burger.

68. Fatburger is a good #2

69. Your house is built into the side of a mountain.

70. Your house is built off the side of a mountain with thick steel girders and your neighbor is actually below you.

[Cory Wolfe]

Well I am a Californian and have a Pontiac! My dealer and his competitors will be very sad to hear of your suggestion.  Isn't California the top state for GTO sales.

You're one person and that's one vehicle that sells well under it's original 18000/yr expectations. For the majority of Californians and Pontiacs, it's true.

[turbo200]

Actually I'm seen several Solstices already. How many have you seen, BV? I think California would consider more Pontiacs if they were cooler and had the quality and performance to back up the styling. The styling needs to get better in most cases, too.

[Cory Wolfe]

Actually I'm seen several Solstices already. How many have you seen, BV? I think California would consider more Pontiacs if they were cooler and had the quality and performance to back up the styling. The styling needs to get better in most cases, too.

No, they'd be too caught up in the image it has. Duh... they're all about image.

Anyways, I live in a town 4000 which suffers from snow from November to March with two car dealerships which never order the sportier cars. How many Solstices do you think I am going to see? Asking me how many Solstices I've seen is like me asking you how many jacked up new F-150s with redneck-ish things you've seen.

[Croc]

No, they'd be too caught up in the image it has. Duh... they're all about image.

BV, would you buy a vehicle that everyone in your town thinks is crap?

[Cory Wolfe]

BV, would you buy a vehicle that everyone in your town thinks is crap?

It's not about what they think... it's about what I think. If I like it and don't think it's crap... f**k yeah, I would. I could care less what other people think, let alone the stupid rednecks I live with (sorry... I live with them, I think I can bash them). If I did... I'd be driving a jacked up Chevy pickup. Duh...

[trinacriabob]

It's not about what they think... it's about what I think.

I am not commenting on the jist of the conversation. I am just commenting on this portion of the post.

BV, you've got your act together more than you think. That above, "...what I think," has been my guiding philosophy in life. It will make you happier. My brother (the only sibling I have) is all about the first part of the phrase (what THEY think). That's why he and I don't get along.

Keep it up, BV!

Edited January 15, 2006 by trinacriabob

[Turbojett]

66. When you speak to people from the midwest; they know you are speaking english, but have no idea what you are saying.

67. You have no idea what Mellow Yellow is, while the midwest guy you are talking to has no idea what Jack In The Box is.

I know what Mellow Yellow is; I've HAD it--IN CA. and Jack in the Crack is dotted all over the midwest. I ate at one in Missouri once, and one other one in Oklahoma (the food tastes tons better in CA, and that's saying a lot considering it's JITB)

[deanh8]

53. You hella use the world "hella" and "like"-- in like every sentence.

Nor-cal talk for ya

[Croc]

I am not commenting on the jist of the conversation.  I am just commenting on this portion of the post.

BV, you've got your act together more than you think.  That above, "...what I think," has been my guiding philosophy in life.  It will make you happier.  My brother (the only sibling I have) is all about the first part of the phrase (what THEY think).  That's why he and I don't get along.

Keep it up, BV!

I agree. I wasn't trying to suggest being a lemming, but at least for me, poor public opinion will make me pause. In the end, I am going to do what I'm going to do...but if what I'm doing is generally viewed negatively, it will just make me more open to the alternatives. Then again, my tastes are generally coinciding with that of a lot of tastemakers anyway, so for me, it is not often an issue.

That all said, I like the Tribeca--a lot-- and fully intend to make it mine within the next couple years. Yes, I have seen the front, and no, it does not offend me, especially not in black.

[ocnblu]

Interesting how the "new face of Subaru" looks so much like "the old face of SAAB"... like it was GM's doing during the shortlived linkup.

I am sitting here with a car in my head. A G6 GTP coupe, painted in a garish gold metalflake, with white tuck-n-roll interior, shaved headrests, and lots of chrome. Airbag suspension with 20" spinners. So-Cal, baby.

[Alpha]

71. You grabbed your Blackberry to find out what foreign language "Buick" was from.

[trinacriabob]

71. You grabbed your Blackberry to find out what foreign language "Buick" was from.

Alpha, you nut, that's good.

72. You see fewer girls who look like they could be cast in "The Brady Bunch." They've moved to Arizona and Colorado.

73. You know what "Behind the Orange Curtain" implies

[The O.C.]

Alpha, you nut, that's good.

72.  You see fewer girls who look like they could be cast in "The Brady Bunch."  They've moved to Arizona and Colorado.

73.  You know what "Behind the Orange Curtain" implies

#72, LMFAO....

#73, The "Curtain" has now pretty much disappeared...!

[The O.C.]

#74: In most areas, $1M still buys you "just" a tract-home.

#75: Want to "only" spend 1/2 a Million? You're stuck in a condo.

[haypops]

I've seen is like me asking you how many jacked up new F-150s with redneck-ish things you've seen.

Hey! we got those too! Actually nicely kept older F-150s with animal appendages and cut outs are big with some of the hispanics.

[Cory Wolfe]

Hey!  we got those too!  Actually nicely kept older F-150s with animal appendages and cut outs are big with some of the hispanics.

I'm not saying you don't... just like I'm not saying I don't see sports cars.

[Robert Hall]

22. You're sitting in a traffic jam on the highway. And the highway has six lanes on each side.

And it's a Sunday afternoon... (happened to me on the 880).

[Robert Hall]

Whoops! Sorry that was bad information. My aunt and here family visited California and every restaurant they visited, no one knew what Mellow Yellow was. Also, this handy gif should help explain why no one from Minnesota has ever heard of Jack in the Box. Blue states have Jack in the Box locations, grey states do not. I live in Minnesota.

Growing up in Ohio & Florida, I'd heard of Jack in the Box but never had it until I started visiting Phoenix regularly in the '80s. I had heard of In and Out and Fatburger but never had them until I went to California... we now have Fatburger here in Denver--pretty good.

Last time I was in LA (a couple weeks ago), though, I ate at Big Boy on Wilshire. Neat 50s architecture to the building.. they had Big Boys in Ohio when I was a kid, but hadn't eaten in one in maybe 15 years.

[ocnblu]

I had a delicious Bison Bleu burger today at TGI Friday's.

[Croc]

Big Boy is a place I haven't eaten at in well over a decade. They don't have them around in Indy anymore, and I kinda forgot about them...

Jack used to be in Indy, and frankly a lot of other states until they had that E. Coli breakout back in the early-mid 90s and they had to pull out of a lot of states.