Stocking Stuffers: 'Were you naughty or nice?'

[HarleyEarl]

by Peter M. DeLorenzo The Autoextremist Stocking Stuffers - Were you naughty or nice? Detroit. Shopping for your favorite car guy or gal? Wondering who was naughty or nice in 2005 - the auto year from Hell? We'll be glad to sort it all out for you with our Autoextremist Stocking Stuffers! For Helmut Panke, a continued relentless focus for his organization (even though BMW is now the King of the World), fewer electronic gizmos by half, fewer design mistakes, the immediate end to the BMW minivan program and a Black M6 with a license plate that reads "CARCZAR." For Porsche's Wendelin Wiedeking, a stern reminder that he isn't running Chevrolet and that Porsche will never be a volume player (no matter how he slices it and how much the German and American automotive media attempt to canonize him and inflate his already considerable ego). And now that the Cayenne is dead in the water and piling up like cord wood all over the country, he better get ready to crack that considerable Porsche War Chest open and slap $10,000 in dealer cash on the hood of each and every one of them. For his stocking, Wiedeking gets a bag of Kingsford briquettes and a V-6 Cayenne with a license plate that reads "TRUCKR." For Dieter Zetsche, a container-ship-sized dumpster where he can deposit his marketing and PR departments, a change of scenery for his engineers (start with issuing them an advanced Lego set that functions without electronics of any kind), the return of "Engineered like no other car in the World" as the Mercedes-Benz theme line, a reduction of Mercedes-Benz model offerings in the U.S. by 25 percent and a reduction of the German arrogance as practiced by Mercedes-Benz by 100 percent. Dieter gets a M-B McLaren SLR (we hear there are plenty of the slow-selling supercars laying around) with a license plate that reads "FORSALE." For Wolfgang Bernhard, a few miracles in his quest to fix Volkswagen (and miracles are about the only thing he can hope for at this point), a real plan to get VW rolling again in the U.S. market (hint: it has absolutely nothing to do with the "Moonraker" project), a miracle ad campaign from Crispin Porter + Bogusky (because at this point it's your one best chance to stop VW's negative buzz from building any further) and most important, the time to get it all done. Wolfgang gets his ME Four-Twelve Chrysler supercar back with a license plate that reads "WHOOSH." For Toyota's Jim Press, a reduction in smug, condescending Toyota arrogance by 100 percent and an immediate cessation of Toyota's bad habit of talking out of both sides of its corporate mouth (i.e., We're Mr. Green Jeans environmental zealots one week, Mr. Monster pickup truck pushers the next). And a formal admission that no matter how many plants they build in this country, how many Americans they employ and how much lobbying money they spend in Washington, Toyota will never be an American company, no matter how they try to spin it. Press gets two bags of Kingsford briquettes in his stocking and a Toyota I-SWING with a license plate that reads "USA-1." For Nissan's Carlos Ghosn, a new job as the "vision-engineer"/entertainment director on the S.S. Cost Cutter. It's a new, no-frills "fun" ship that summarily jettisons longtime crew members as it cruises from port to port along the Nashville river, picking up cheaper crew members along the way. Ghosn's innovative new cruise concept features BYO food, booze, towels, etc., with self-serve Laundromat facilities on board. Bookings seem to be nonexistent, but Ghosn assures everyone who will bother to listen that he will transform the cruise industry, he'll have a sellout by its maiden voyage next summer - and with the tax breaks that the state of Tennessee will give him he won't need any passengers anyway. Carlos doesn't need a license plate, but his dinghy is named "Color me Ghosn." For Bill Ford, a revival plan that actually works (and one for the Lions too), less bureaucratic intervention from his own people, a more receptive ear in Washington, more bread-and-butter product hits (green or otherwise), and a bright red GT500 Shelby Mustang convertible with a license plate that reads "ADIOS." For Tom LaSorda, a new media angle, because the manufacturing "salt of the earth" story can only be taken so far, more product hits, a wholesale marketing department overhaul (as in start over) and a big "time-out" from the whole Dieter thing. Oh, and a one-off, short wheelbase, two-door Charger with a blown Hemi in it with a license plate that reads "WRKNMN." For GM CEO Rick Wagoner, a more blunt-speaking tone to go along with his tougher, no-B.S. attitude, a 90-day moratorium from journalists asking him if he's going to "step down," more product hits and the first supercharged Corvette ZO6 "Blue Devil" (in Duke Blue Devil Blue, of course) - with a license plate that reads "THERICK." Oh, and a free lunch from The Autoextremist at Athens Coney Island in Royal Oak. For the boys and girls at Chevrolet, continued momentum for your new stuff and a drop-dead gorgeous Camaro concept at Cobo Hall in January (hint: it's killer). Better ads, because they're not as good as you think they are - you need a new definition of "American Revolution" because the current one's already out of gas. For the boys and girls at Lincoln, yet another cool Lincoln concept debuts at the Detroit show, but it's not good enough - then again, when you've survived on "Smoke and Mirrors" marketing for so long nothing is good enough. Here's hoping you finally get serious money to bring a proper, rear-wheel-drive, big-time Lincoln back into production. You need it - desperately. For the boys and girls at Jaguar, who are in desperate need of a new idea - stand back and give Jaguar a long, hard look, because what you're doing now isn't cutting it. What's Jaguar's raison d'etre? Do you know? Because from where we sit it looks like your short of a few clues. Where is the signature Jaguar that you can hang the brand's future on for the next decade? That's right, it's not there - no matter how hard you squint while looking at the "new" XK. Dip into the holiday cheer and let your minds go - and maybe you'll see things in a new light. Otherwise, it's time to let someone else have stewardship of one of the greatest names in automotive history. For the boys and girls at Saturn, the gift of time - until the new Aura sedan hits. If you can hang on, you'll have a legitimate hit on your hands (although we think the revised Vue is one of this year's pleasant surprises). The Sky is just gravy. For the boys and girls at Hummer, continued momentum for the H3 and standard diesel power for the H2. And don't lose that attitude. For the boys and girls at Nissan headquarters in California, peace of mind and best of luck in your various new gigs. And to those few who will make the move to Nashville, get ready to meet all of your new co-workers - from Detroit. For the boys and girls at Saab, more credibility, continued product momentum, and we'll just forget about your new theme line and hope the next one is better. For the boys and girls at Mercedes-Benz, a big dose of reality and a smooth transition to a world that doesn't revolve around you. Don't worry - it won't be too bad, after all, Avis made a career out of being #2. For the boys and girls at Porsche, boatloads of cash in order to convince people to even look at the Cayenne again - and tight supplies of the Cayman, which will replace the 911 and the Boxster as the Porsche in the U.S. For the boys and girls at BMW, pills to keep your heads from swelling too much, zero public pronouncements from Chris Bangle (we've heard enough already), fewer models and no people mover. And let's see if you have the stuff to lead, after playing the role of the perennially hungry chaser for so long. For the boys and girls at Buick, substantial success for the Lucerne (our "sleeper" hit of the year) and enough momentum until the Enclave crossover hits. For Pontiac, much better advertising (we dislike the TV, and the print is barely acceptable) and a reason for being in the long-term future of GM - because badge-engineering isn't the answer (see Torrent). For the boys and girls at Ford, more product hits, less internal hand-wringing and whining - and when can we order our Shelby GR-1 Coupe? For the boys and girls at Chrysler, best of luck in reducing your inventory buildup and enough time to hang on until your new stuff hits - you'll need it. And for everyone else in the biz, may your stockings hold plenty of new ideas, some much-needed creative thinking and even a few surprises to keep you on your toes - along with peace and happiness too. Thanks for listening, we'll see you back here next Wednesday for our much anticipated blockbuster year-end issue. Automotive consultant Peter M. DeLorenzo founded Autoextremist.com - an Internet magazine devoted to news, commentary and analysis of the automotive industry, automotive marketing, strategy and product development - on June 1, 1999. Since then, Autoextremist.com has become a weekly "must-read" for leading professionals within and outside the industry, including top executives at the car companies, suppliers, dealers, journalists, financial analysts, enthusiasts, and people directly involved in motorsports. Prior to launching the site, Peter spent more than two decades in automotive advertising and marketing, holding top-level positions as Creative Director and Executive CD at ad agencies in Detroit and New York. In addition to his editorial opinion work on Autoextremist.com, Mr. DeLorenzo regularly consults for enlightened automobile companies and is a national commentator on the auto industry. The opinions expressed by Mr. DeLorenzo are his and his alone and do not necessarily reflect those of his clients.

[sciguy_0504]

I used to like his columns but their effect has worn off considerably.

[HarleyEarl]

I pretty well agree with him. He's having some fun at a fun time of year.

[VenSeattle]

For the boys and girls at Buick, substantial success for the Lucerne (our "sleeper" hit of the year) and enough momentum until the Enclave crossover hits.

Mr DeLorenzo, Bless you! :D