Don't Mind Me...

[Cory Wolfe]

I'm just fascinated that this is my 1234th post. Sequence... yeah... Anyways, I don't know where these next few weeks are going to lead me. I thought I was on my way out of the depression, but I'm heading back into it. Just so much crap is bothering me. There's my GA, which I'm not sure I really wanted to sell in the first place. I mean, I've always talked about it but now that I actually have to, I almost don't want too. But I have to. I need my own form of transportation as I've been trapped in this hell-hole of a house for almost 2 weeks now. I'm going insane. I wake up, go to school, come home, and basically be bored all freakin' day. But it wouldn't be so bad if it weren't such a hell-hole. Seriously... my mom found out about what has been going on with me missing school. First, she's pressuring me to tell her why. I just can't... it's too personal and if she knew the reasons, I'd probably be sent some mental hospital. Second, she's black mailing me into doing whatever the hell she desires to not tell my dad. Quite frankly, he's going to end up finding out too so I don't know. He's going to kill me either way... just wish I hadn't failed. Third, she is annoying the hell out of me. She needs to know everything and she continuously asks. Again, I'm not comfortable about telling her alot of this crap. Still, more problems are about to arise with school. Missing what I have while having the problems that I do have resulted in absolutely terrible grades. If any of them are above 50%, I'd be surprised and highly thankful. What else... I still hate myself, but I thought I was starting not to... but again, a few things have brought the hatred back. I just wish I could be happy with myself for once. It caused a few of the things that led to me and Bekah breaking up. Anyways, I still basically dealing with the same old crap from the last thread like this. Just with different causes and now a few... substances. Did I mention that members here haven't been making it any easier for me...? Well, BV is out. Literally.

[Croc]

Dude why in the hell are you skipping school? That will f*ck up your future for sure. Everyone goes through adolescent bullsh!t and you are obviously no exception. Neither was I. Look. everything happens for a reason, but I am strongly suggesting you get some professional help. I don't know why you are taking things out on school, but that was a dumb decision and deep down I know you knew your parents would find out one day. On one level, I almost think you wanted them to find out so they would start giving a sh!t...but now they (or at least your mom) is giving too much of a sh!t. Don't tell her everything...but tell her about Bekah and the depression. You prolly need professional help at this point especially if all this is causing you to want to skip school and ruin your chances at college (and financial aid for said college). Trust me, college is a wonderful breakout experience and is a lot of fun. You would love it. Don't get all caught up in the short term...some things you really need to think long term views about. You're a good kid who has a lot going for him...don't fudge this up. And to anyone who will say "don't go get professional help because pills are evil" or whatever nonsense...that is up to a professional who went and got his or her degree to decide...not us. At the very least BV you should get a consultation. Yes, I've been in and out of therapy before and while I am not a fan of it for the most part, it has done wonders for some people. What you need is to find your niche of friends and make sure that niche supports you. I'm not talking about common interest. Frankly, I have found my best friends have a lot of different interests, but the one thing we have in common is mutual respect and compassion...our interests may be as varied as anything but they are complementary. I believe that once you get into a rut and hang out with people who all think the same thing you stop growing as a person. All of my friends challenge me to be better in some way, and god knows I challenge them to be the best they can be as well. Find your niche. Frankly, it took college for me to really find out who my real friends were from HS as well as making new ones here at USC. Try really hard, and talk to your teachers as hard as it may be. Never underestimate the power of a sob story, and if you can cry on cue that's always a plus. Talk to them, and ask if there is anything you can do to make things up...cry...shed tears...literally...and apologize for skipping class. Assure it's nothing personal and that you have been going through hard times. Have you had any family problems? Whatever you can use to your advantage tell your teachers (as long as it wouldn't provoke them to call CPS or anything that would fudge things up more). Basically you want them to pity you and give you a chance to make things up or basically not be flunking everything. You might not get them all to do it, but I'm sure some of them will go for it. Again, you seem like a good kid with a lot going for you. I'm sure some of your teachers feel the same and are frankly baffled by everything. Also...your judgment call...but throwing around the phrase "I just don't know how to cope" and "I realize I've been running from my problems" can do wonders...and judgment call here...but maybe mention drugs and alcohol? Again...sympathy. You are working/playing for sympathy. Good luck fill us in as an update... and happy 1234!

[razoredge]

come on Vyps, your making me look smart :unsure: Cutin school, Id be kickin your butt and it wouldnt be to death either, Id make sure you suffered. Something like toenail removal. Cripes all the stuff you have been reading here, I would think you'd see better than to head down that low road. Your mother and your car are the least of your problems, go to school and pay attention, concentrate, thats how I got out. School is a walk in the park compared to where you are headed and thats commin from experience. Just look around man, and say to yourself "is this what I want "........na, I didnt think so. Depression can be self absorbing, or so I have more recently found out. Get out, go to school and keep busy...studying! The professional stuff I cant offer opinion on but lots of answers are also found inside. The mind is a powerfull tool once you harness it. So whos the boss anyhow ?

[ocnblu]

Blackviper, one problem is, we don't know each other well enough for me to form a judgment. Sure, we come here every day to talk about one major common interest, but otherwise, I don't trust the internet to give a full picture of myself or anyone else. These words we type cannot possibly convey the true feeling behind them.

I use this place to feel part of a community, and I appreciate and care for the group, but frankly it's not a substitute for realtime interaction.

A person needs people to find his or her place in the world. Real people, not internet forum people. We can only help you to a small extent, in my opinion. The people who can do something meaningful for you live and breathe right there where you are.

A person at your stage in life is going through a hell of a transition, from a kid to an adult. This is a tense time between you and your parents because you are starting to pull away from their shadow a bit, a necessary part of becoming an adult. But in most cases they are still best equipped to help you. You still need parenting, Viper. Let your mother parent you, and let your father be himself but hold onto them both. You do need them.

A car is part of that transition, to be sure, and maybe it's a symbol of freedom, but it can also be used as a means of escape, which may not be entirely good right now.

School, Viper, school. You need school. Is there a guidance counselor at your school that you might be able to meet with who can help you get back on track? Education is so very important to augment your natural abilities. You have a talent, Cory, and you should cherish and nurture that talent. The best way to do that is to be in an environment where you can interact with other people who share that.

I believe in you as much as an internet friend can, but you need to believe in yourself and you need your parents to help you. Don't shut them out, please. You may not think so right now at this moment, but they do know you best.

[Cory Wolfe]

Alrighty then... Sorry. Guess that's why I shouldn't stay up late. Needless to say, I regret starting this. You guys are right and I'm just... IDK. Asking too much of you guys and avoiding what I ought to do. It's just hard for me since I'm really shy, actually, and I can be much more open to you guys.. I mean, I went 5 years in school without talking at all. I still only talk to a selective few. I'm known far and wide as the kid who doesn't talk. I've gotten the nickname "mute". I would say that the biggest thing keeping me from talking is just the reputation I have. If I talk people make such a big deal out of it and I hate it. Friends and foes carry it on to teachers and so on.... I usually don't have much of a problem with strangers, but those who know me... I do. I have a limited network of friends and most I barely talk to. The ones I do, I don't really like. Those who I wish to hang out with, I try to talk to them but everytime I can't find it in to do it. That's why I always come to you guys for this stuff. This site is like a diary to me... it just writes back and gives me advice and the support I want. That's why. I feel like I've made better friends here than I have in real life. Do you guys understand...? As for skipping school.... I honestly cannot remember why I did it. I wish I hadn't. I will say that I dread coming to school everyday. For many of the reasons above as well as how I literally can't do well. I try but I lose interest and can't pay attention. I can't focus. I drift off into another world while I'm being teached. I never remember anything. When I try to do work, my mind freezes and I can't think. It happens here too in that I have a hard time expressing what I truly want to say. I can't remember certain words when the time comes. What makes it horrible is that I know what the word is and I'm so close to what it is, but can never think of it. Well, this is what happens with school work. I can't do reports, essays, etc because of this. I try but I end up sitting there for an hour with only a few sentences. I can also say that I can't wake up sometimes or can't stay awake. I've programmed myself to be a night person and since I live on Diet Pepsi, caffiene has no effect on me. I've found nothing that can keep me awake... This leads to me drifting off into that other world as well. Well, it's been a entire period... the bell's about to ring and my wrist is killing me. I'll continue once I'm home... Again, sorry for this, guys....

[Sixty8panther]

Wow BV: Having just gotten myself out of a very nasty situation where I was feeling like absolute crap I know how you feel. You have to do something about the depression buddy. Seriously!!! Get meds if you have to. If I felt deressed all the time I would have to do something about it. When me and Marcia were doing poorly I was very down, then when she got so pissed at me that Sofia's custody got brought up and I knew being the dad I was crewed in this state I was devestated that things might be that bad. But with you BV, no offense it seems like you're constantly depressed. I was down a lot as a teenager. I was a middle-lower class unpopular kid in a rich town, had bad luck wiht girls in HS and my parents drove me nuts. Whatever it is that wil make you happy I sure hope it arives soon BV. Here's my suggestion: you ned to get your ass back in school and get a part tiome job. Working a few hours a week will give yor ego a boost, it will allow you to save up for that Fiero you want and you will not be hanging around the house bored. Good luck man.

[z28luvr01]

I know I've been where you are before. Being depressed isn't fun, and it's an uphill battle to overcome it on your own sometimes. Not having a car during this time is really tough...I understand - I had no car until I was 18. It must be even worse to have one (and all the freedom that comes with it) and then lose it, like you did. Understand that you do have the means to put your car situation to rest, the only thing you need to do is get the ball rolling. You know what you need to do, just go ahead and do it. Your situation at school is very important and believe it or not has an effect on the rest of your life. You're probably in your junior or senior year, which are usually at many colleges reference when reviewing applicants. Now's the time to pull up your bootstraps and give them the best of what BV has to offer. Your seeming inability to pay attention could very well be tied to the Diet Pepsi. The excessive caffeine is overstimulating your body and mind. Your body doesn't want to sit still, and your brain can't focus on any one thing. What's worse, your depression *could* just be the result of coming down from a caffeine high. After running at Mach 5 under the influence of caffeine for so long, your body can get tired and "crash". I know the feeling from being on diet pills that had caffeine in them (unbeknownst to me). Depression is as much a physical condition as it is a mental state. If you do dump the Diet Pepsi, don't go cold turkey. Drink less and less over time. When getting rid of a "bad" habit it is always helpful to replace it with a "good" habit. Instead of drinking Diet Pepsi, drink some juice or water. Instead of chocolate, have some fruit (raisins, blueberries, and strawberries are great for fruit-newbies, and clementines are in season...yummy). This might sound weird to you, but put it this way: should you decide to go to a doctor, your best bet is to have a body that's working as it was designed to, without the help of drugs like caffeine. If I may throw some advice to you that you may or may not want to listen to, why not scour your local churches for youth groups? Based on the one run out of my church, it's not what you're probably thinking. They're usually full of teenagers much like yourself (or much worse) who hang out every so often to play sports, arcade games, go on camping trips, help each other with homework....you name it. Plus, there's usually a youth pastor there that shares the Bible with you in a way that'll make the words jump off the page to you. In most cases you don't have to be an active church member to join. I realize this is a bit long and preachy, but I hope at least one sentence helps you in some way.

[chris]

BV is great, he can make it through this slump.

[SoCalCTS]

I don't think missing school is ever a good idea but is it possible for you to get yor GED and start Junior college now? By the time your friends are graduating highschool you could have an associates degree. Going to a Junior College could be a fresh start for you and you probably wouldn't feel as trapped.

[Croc]

Hey BV...quit apologizing! That's step #1 mister!!

[Cory Wolfe]

Wow BV:

Having just gotten myself out of a very nasty situation where I was feeling like absolute crap I know how you feel. You have to do something about the depression buddy. Seriously!!! Get meds if you have to. If I felt deressed all the time I would have to do something about it.

But with you BV, no offense it seems like you're constantly depressed. I was down a lot as a teenager. I was a middle-lower class unpopular kid in a rich town, had bad luck wiht girls in HS and my parents drove me nuts.

Whatever it is that wil make you happy I sure hope it arives soon BV. Here's my suggestion: you ned to get your ass back in school and get a part tiome job. Working a few hours a week will give yor ego a boost, it will allow you to save up for that Fiero you want and you will not be hanging around the house bored.

Good luck man.

[post="44912"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

Well... I can honestly say that I can't remember the last time I truly felt happy. It's been years atleast. When I was with Bekah, I was damn close but she couldn't keep all my problems off my mind. It's just been a constant rollercoaster ride of a depression; High school, that is. One time I'll be on the brink and happiness and the next I'm ready to hit the bottom. The difference being that the only extreme I've reached is the bottom and more than once.

I know I've been where you are before. Being depressed isn't fun, and it's an uphill battle to overcome it on your own sometimes. Not having a car during this time is really tough...I understand - I had no car until I was 18. It must be even worse to have one (and all the freedom that comes with it) and then lose it, like you did. Understand that you do have the means to put your car situation to rest, the only thing you need to do is get the ball rolling. You know what you need to do, just go ahead and do it.

Yeah, that is exactly what I'm feeling. You're right, though, I need to hurry and get it sold. I'm just very hesitant for some reason. Same with my ATV...

Your seeming inability to pay attention could very well be tied to the Diet Pepsi. The excessive caffeine is overstimulating your body and mind. Your body doesn't want to sit still, and your brain can't focus on any one thing. What's worse, your depression *could* just be the result of coming down from a caffeine high. After running at Mach 5 under the influence of caffeine for so long, your body can get tired and "crash". I know the feeling from being on diet pills that had caffeine in them (unbeknownst to me). Depression is as much a physical condition as it is a mental state. If you do dump the Diet Pepsi, don't go cold turkey. Drink less and less over time. When getting rid of a "bad" habit it is always helpful to replace it with a "good" habit. Instead of drinking Diet Pepsi, drink some juice or water. Instead of chocolate, have some fruit (raisins, blueberries, and strawberries are great for fruit-newbies, and clementines are in season...yummy). This might sound weird to you, but put it this way: should you decide to go to a doctor, your best bet is to have a body that's working as it was designed to, without the help of drugs like caffeine.

I never thought of that... Seems possible and would probably explain a few more things...

If I may throw some advice to you that you may or may not want to listen to, why not scour your local churches for youth groups? Based on the one run out of my church, it's not what you're probably thinking. They're usually full of teenagers much like yourself (or much worse) who hang out every so often to play sports, arcade games, go on camping trips, help each other with homework....you name it. Plus, there's usually a youth pastor there that shares the Bible with you in a way that'll make the words jump off the page to you. In most cases you don't have to be an active church member to join.

I realize this is a bit long and preachy, but I hope at least one sentence helps you in some way.

I'm listening, but I must once more say that anything religion related isn't something I want to deal with.

BV is great, he can make it through this slump.

Thanks... I hope you're right. Also thanks for the PM. I appreciate it.

[sciguy_0504]

I know how I can make you happy, bv. For a few minutes, at least. :AH-HA_wink: :ph34r:

[chris]

yeah, seconded on the caffeine addiction thing. also, some artificial sweeteners tend to have some psychoactive effects (usually leading to depression). I'd definitely say to work on eliminating it from your diet A.S.A.P. be mindful that some 'substances' can tend to leave you in a more depressed state (sometimes profoundly more depressed) once you're finished using them for the day/night. this includes alcohol.

[tmp]

I hope this doesn't sound like crackpot California stuff, but I had been having similar symptoms (almost nodding off during the day, depression, inability to focus, inability to sleep at night, migranes) A friend who is a nutritionist took part my diet and redid it. She had me cut out wheat, (very tough) sugar, and caffeine. No Diet Pepsi, no soda, no booze, no pasta. She told me that I was screwing with my glycemic index by not eating at the right time, and trying to wake up my metabolism with Diet Pepsi. Then I'd crash from the caffeine wearing off. She basically put me on a diet similar to The 5-day Miracle Diet where you eat something about every 3 hours to keep your blood sugar from spiking. After about a week of hell (2 days of caffeine withdrawl and the rest of the week hating the food) I noticed that I was sleeping better and staying awake more during the day.

You may want to give it a try. If you can't get the book at your library, the link I gave has use copies starting at a penny.

[Croc]

Cmon tmp...anything in California or from a Californian is "crackpot" to the rest of this country even though we have one of the lowest obesity rates and longest lifespans...

[Cory Wolfe]

Cmon tmp...anything in California or from a Californian is "crackpot" to the rest of this country even though we have one of the lowest obesity rates and longest lifespans...

Exactly... What were you thinking with that? :P

Seriously, though, it sounds like an idea. I've always kind of thought or know Diet Pepsi was bad for me but I just can't stop drinking it. I never thought it is was possible to get addicted to it, but I would say that I am. I've tried to stop drinking it before, but I ended up having nothing to drink but it...

Anyways, maybe that could help me loose the few pounds I've been trying to... :P

I know how I can make you happy, bv. For a few minutes, at least.

Few minutes? If I'm thinking what you're thinking... I can last longer than that, damnit. That's irrelevant though. It'd probably work for the time being. It's been a long time since I've gotten anything at all from anybody (ironic coming from a 16, almost 17, year old... huh?). Nothing ever happened between me and Bekah. I got nothing out of it except for love and a person to be with.

So... I invite you to come to Brookville... to pleasure me. :lol: :D

[chris]

Exactly... What were you thinking with that? :P

Seriously, though, it sounds like an idea. I've always kind of thought or know Diet Pepsi was bad for me but I just can't stop drinking it. I never thought it is was possible to get addicted to it, but I would say that I am. I've tried to stop drinking it before, but I ended up having nothing to drink but it...

Anyways, maybe that could help me loose the few pounds I've been trying to... :P

[post="45080"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

Cut out all the soda's. It took a while, but what worked for me may or may not work for you. The short version of the story is, I was fasting, and I never regained a taste for soda (but mainly because I didn't want to). I only drink water now, and occasionally Gatorade. Some nights going out I'll drink Red Bull, but I keep it to one night a week, caffeine withdrawal is rough.

Yes, I think cutting out caffeine (and soda) from your diet will help you lose weight. Replacing it with a large amount of water even moreso. Even though caffeine is a stimulant, it also tends to cause your appetite to go up, which isn't helping you either.

'sides, losing weight is one of the best ego boost out there! I say go for it, it'll be fun.

[Croc]

Right now I'm trying ECA stack for weight loss...so far it seems to be working

[chris]

Right now I'm trying ECA stack for weight loss...so far it seems to be working

[post="45112"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

what's the aspirin supposed to do? ECA works well anecdotally, but in my opinion ephedrine is the only effective (semi) anorectic.

[razoredge]

Well this is closer to home than you might think, its bugged the hell out of me all day. I was very quiet and had a real hard time paying attention, easily distracted, off on a dream cloud. I wasnt depressed though, very serious and intense as you may guess, worried about the worlds problems, somethings never change :rolleyes: I had problems staying awake in school, in fact I slept through most of it, but thats because I went out the window at night, I guess your on the computer, same thing, thats not hard to figure out. Get to bed, dummy !

I never talked to anyone but my friends, all one of them :rolleyes: I wasnt real real quiet, kinda noisy in gym and wrestling but didnt interact on a personal or friendly level. But I didnt dislike anyone, I liked everyone, I just sat around and laughed at all the clown shows. Some of the girls called me smiley but I never talked to them :unsure: , shy . Im just trying to figure this out never mind the babbling. Just painting a picture.

I cant evaluate it however, are you sure your depressed or just distracted and maybe overwhelmed with what my best friend and I always called "the meaning of life" we had fun with it though but I dont think we ever figured it out. We had lots of ideas, some down right freaky. Are you sure your depressed or just riding some kind of attitude, like behind a wall, I ask because on here (C&G) sometimes you seem like a clown, when you step out from behind the wall. Walls suck, you keep banging your face into them when you turn around. After awhile your nose gets all swelled up, its just ugly. :AH-HA_wink: There alot harder to tear down than they are to build, Im sure you know that already, Ive built plenty believe me, thats why Im so tired :lol:

Well, loose the soda at any rate, thats crap, parents should know better than to fill the frig with that crap. Thats it right there, I drank milk, lots of milk, ice cold milk, a half gallon a day, drove my father crazy. Got milk ? B) Milk makes you happy ? :unsure:

OK, seriously, thing is, this is your job right not, getting on with your life, getting out of school, you have to get out of school. You cant get out of school if you fail or dont show up. Think about that one, school for life ? School for an extra year ? Scarry isnt it ?

I can tell you I sure wish I had more discipline in school and less rebel but that was me and I have to live with it. I was made for a higher purpose :rolleyes:, yaright !

It takes all kinds Vypes you just need to figure out what that is and get down with it. Then steer it in a positive direction, but use some forsight. Thats much easier today than in my youth, the world was a wide open place back then and we would have never thought it would be where it is today. Today stuff is real serious but awareness is far beyond so there is more tools to work with and knowledge for better forsight.

I dont know man, read what Blu and Croc wrote a few more times, they made lots of sence, aside from that all I can say (because its my way) is cut the crap and get down to business, there is alot of life out there in front of you, get ready, get set, go for it !

Damn it !

B)

[Croc]

what's the aspirin supposed to do?  ECA works well anecdotally, but in my opinion ephedrine is the only effective (semi) anorectic.

[post="45159"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

From Wikipedia:

The effects of the ECA stack in weight loss are primarily due to the ephedrine component. Ephedrine acts as a beta agonist and stimulates the release of noradrenaline. The noradrenaline in the body then acts on brown adipose tissue by increasing cAMP levels, which is said to be a thermogenic effect, raising body temperature by about 2 degrees and increasing the user's metabolism by 10% in conjunction with the rest of the stack.

However, the body's negative feedback system then activates to normalize the metabolism. This is done via the production of phosphodiesterase inside the cells, and prostaglandins outside the cell, which both lower cAMP levels within the cell.

Caffeine inhibits the production of phosphodiesterase inside the cell and therefore slows the cAMP breakdown. It also, in binding with adenosine receptors in the brain, triggers the release of adrenaline which increases cAMP levels further.

Aspirin inhibits prostaglandin production outside of the cells, which, in conjunction with caffeine, greatly prolongs the thermogenic effects and increased metabolism by substaining elevated cAMP levels.

Ephedrine also has an anorectic, or appetite suppressant effect. The mechanisms behind this are not fully understood, but this aids in weight loss as well. However, these effects only last for about two weeks if the stack is not cycled as the body becomes tolerant to ephedrine to some degree. It is estimated that 60%–75% of the weight loss from using the ECA stack comes from the anorectic effect, and the remainder from thermogenesis.

The final component in weight loss of the ECA stack is that of a simple stimulant; the higher adrenaline and noradrenaline levels result in increased aerobic exercise performance and less fatigue.

Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ECA_stack

[Flybrian]

Keep in mind that is from Wikipedia.

[Cory Wolfe]

Well this is closer to home than you might think, its bugged the hell out of me all day. I was very quiet and had a real hard time paying attention, easily distracted, off on a dream cloud. I wasnt depressed though, very serious and intense as you may guess, worried about the worlds problems, somethings never change  I had problems staying awake in school, in fact I slept through most of it, but thats because I went out the window at night, I guess your on the computer, same thing, thats not hard to figure out. Get to bed, dummy !

Well... I very rarely sleep in school. Actually... today was the first day I've slept in school this year. Mainly because I've been staying up later than usual and only getting a few hours of sleep. Sometimes I have hard time staying awake, but I manage to. My troubles are just waking up and/or staying up in the morning every now and then. Mainly it's just paying attention and crap like that....

Besides, I can't go out my window unless I expect to survive a 25ft fall... I have mastered the art of sneaking out using the unexpected front doors, though. They've never found out while I was doing it. When I wasn't home in the morning... um... they kind of did. :P I'm not a computer nerd all the time. I've done it many times for Bekah, for my only true friend, for parties, and a few times to do some personal stuff.

I never talked to anyone but my friends, all one of them  :rolleyes:  I wasnt real real quiet, kinda noisy in gym and wrestling but didnt interact on a personal or friendly level. But I didnt dislike anyone, I liked everyone, I just sat around and laughed at all the clown shows. Some of the girls called me smiley but I never talked to them  :unsure: , shy . Im just trying to figure this out never mind the babbling. Just painting a picture.

For a moment there... I thought you were mocking me or something. :unsure:

I cant evaluate it however, are you sure your depressed or just distracted and maybe overwhelmed with what my best friend and I always called "the meaning of life" we had fun with it though but I dont think we ever figured it out. We had lots of ideas, some down right freaky. Are you sure your depressed or just riding some kind of attitude, like behind a wall, I ask because  on here (C&G) sometimes you seem like a clown, when you step out from behind the wall. Walls suck, you keep banging your face into them when you turn around. After awhile your nose gets all swelled up, its just ugly. There alot harder to tear down than they are to build, Im sure you know that already, Ive built plenty believe me, thats why Im so tired 

Well... if I'm not depressed, I don't know what to call it.

As for those 'walls'... That's how it is. What I seem like here is who I am on the inside... who I want to be. The real me. Just wish I could be that...

Anyways, I'm getting sick of my own crap. I need to do something about it and just f**king change already...

[mustang84]

BV, I was a really quiet kid in school just like you. Part of it was because I lived in a part of town where there weren't any other kids around my age to play with, so I never really got that interaction that most kids get at a young age. In middle school, I was definately one of the shyest kids in my grade. About 8th grade, I started opening up more and by my Junior year in high school I was much more outgoing than I used to be. Now in college, I talk to strangers and other people besides my friends without the anxiety that I used to have.

I think a lot of shy people are lacking self-confidence...they are afraid to speak up for fear that they might say something wrong or people will look at them funny. But you know what? If you don't do anything about it, nothing will change. I had to make an effort to be outgoing, and it completely changed my personality. People discovered that I had a pretty good sense of humor that they had never known about. They got to know me better and included me in activities. I made a lot of new friends that would have never happened if I had kept being quiet like a church mouse.

Don't go skipping school...it's not the answer. School should be one of the most important things in your life right now. It's essential to finding a good job later in life...if you don't even have a high school diploma, employers will not be impressed and pass right over you when the time comes to hire. An HS diploma is ESSENTIAL to succeeding in your adult life. I realize it's hard to concentrate when you have a lot on your mind, but find ways to shut out the distractions. I like to put on my headphones when I study...it creates a nice sonic barrier from the distractions around me. Maybe you do that already, I don't know. But the point is...whether it means studying in a new place or finding ways to drone out the distractions, you have to find something that works for you. Here are some studying tips that I picked up from my Environmental Theory class:

Study in cool temperatures

Make sure you have abundant light...the greater the contrast of the ink and paper, the easier it is on your eyes to stay focused

Sit upright in a comfortable chair at a desk...lounging on a bed or couch only makes it easier to fall asleep

Peppermint aroma has been found to increase alertness in people

Get up every half an hour or so and stretch; large movements of muscles helps keep you focused. I've found that studying for an hour and then taking a short 10-15 minute break makes it much easier to learn than going about it in one solid 3 or 4 hour block.

I can't be much help with the depression because I've never experienced it before, but do like the others have said and seek some type of counseling. Letting things like that go unchanged will only make it get worse. And Croc is right...your parents know what is best. I went through that moody stage around age 17 or so where I didn't want to have anything to do with them and wanted to get out of the house, but I outgrew it and now have come to realize they're a lot smarter than I gave them credit for. If you go off to college, you will appreciate them even more. Just remember that someday you may be a dad and have the challenge of trying to raise a kid while still letting him or her retain some freedom that they desire. It's a balancing act...when it seemed like my parents were nagging me, it was really them trying to motivate me. They want to see me succeed. I didn't see it then, but I see it now.

Hopefully this helps some. I don't know you that well, but some of the things you mentioned were things I went through once upon a time. The late teens are some of the most stressful years of your life...after that, things get clearer. Keep your head up, BV!

[Nick]

Hey BV...I'm too tired to post a comment right now, but you know I've dealt with similar crap, and I still do...I dunno if you use aim or not but if you do just hit me up sometime...my screen name is: Il Duciani or just hit me up via pm or whatever...we'll chat sometime :AH-HA_wink:

[Croc]

Keep in mind that is from Wikipedia.

[post="45216"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

...and in this case they are correct. I liked the succinct, thorough explanation enough that I quoted it because I knew I couldn't explain it better myself.

[razoredge]

Never mocking you, I had one close friend, we could finish each others sentences, do the same thing at the same time without communication, it was kinda strange, we were unseperable until he went in military when I was 16, then I hung out with his older brothers best friend, we were the only two of that "bunch" left around. We are still very close and do family things ect. My first unseperable best friend I pretty much never saw after he went into Air Force. He was one of those that could not balance friends and girlfriend, so it was girlfriend, only. Strange isnt it ? Depression is new to me in the last 5 years or so, so I dont have the answers to that one. I know whats eating me, success is the only way out, so I figure you have to go for success. Correct ?

[ehaase]

Anyways, I'm getting sick of my own crap. I need to do something about it and just f**king change already...

[post="45226"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

I have always been the most shy and quiet person I know, but I forced myself to do my schoolwork and get good grades in high school and college and do well in my career. I was made fun of in school because of my shyness and because I was horrible at sports, but I did the work that I was expected to do. I am at the highest position I can be in in the federal government agency I work for, without being in management. If you were my son, I wouldn't put up with this foolishness. You are a smart boy, and this is all a bunch of nonsense. As everyone can tell from my posts, I am not the smartest person around, but I have always tried to do what I was expected to do. You are just going to have to stop making excuses and goofing around and get to work. Edited November 19, 2005 by ehaase

[chris]

From Wikipedia:
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ECA_stack

[post="45173"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

That seems to make sense. Caffeine works well in conjunction with other stimulants, to the extent that the withdrawal is almost nonexistent, but by itself it's pretty horrible and doesn't seem to in any way inhibit appetite.

How do you 'cycle the stack'? I was under the imperssion that you would just have to stop every couple of weeks for a week or so in order to avoid tolerance.

[chris]

As for those 'walls'... That's how it is. What I seem like here is who I am on the inside... who I want to be. The real me. Just wish I could be that...

Anyways, I'm getting sick of my own crap. I need to do something about it and just f**king change already...

[post="45226"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

Yeah, don't suppress who you are, to the extent that you suffer. There's a lot to be said for acting somewhat like others in order to 'fit in', but by no means be fake. It's good that you're beginning to identify what the problem(s) may be, but don't take action until you're ready and know what to do. Take it one step at a time, and you can make it happen, buddy.

And yeah, if you wanna chat with me about this on AIM or PM, by all means go for it, m'friend!

[Croc]

That seems to make sense.  Caffeine works well in conjunction with other stimulants, to the extent that the withdrawal is almost nonexistent, but by itself it's pretty horrible and doesn't seem to in any way inhibit appetite.

How do you 'cycle the stack'?  I was under the imperssion that you would just have to stop every couple of weeks for a week or so in order to avoid tolerance.

[post="45348"]<{POST_SNAPBACK}>[/post]

I have heard anything from 2 weeks on/2 weeks off to 4 weeks on/2 weeks off. I think I am going with the latter because the timing will be convenient. So far I like it and zero negative side effects.