It's been over a year....

[MikeyMo84]

so yeah its been over a year since my last relationship and not for lack of trying....it seems like no matter how hard i try (or dont try as has been suggested to me) i cannot even seem to find any decent normal guy that is interested in me...i look pretty much anywhere and im fairly open minded when it comes to at least goin on a date with someone and seeing where it goes but all its been for the past year is me getting led on and played or just plain shut down by anyone...at this point its become a really sore spot in my life and ive become more and more depressed to the point where almost nothing makes me happy anymore and i just feel like im running out of possiblities and im just gonna end up lonely and alone for a long time....i dont understand whats going on and i try to do everything right...all i can do is be myself and im a (REALLY) nice guy and very caring and a great listener and im extremely outgoing....social and friendly...i dont think im that bad looking...i take care of myself and dress fairly well....so what is it....why is it so easy for everyone around me to find dates and special relationships and i cant for the life of me get anything...

so much for a positive start to the new year

[gmpartsgirl]

I don't know sweety. Maybe it's the whole "nice" guy curse. My ex is having the same problem, he's too nice and he's getting played by women, and lead on because he wants friendship first, not sex and they want sex. He keeps getting his heartbroken. For me, it was right in front of me the whole time. He has to be the most patient guy in the world, we've been friends for a few years and I knew he wanted me but I was running around in self-destruct mode after the divorce doing stupid $h! and he just waited and stood by me the whole time until I woke the hell up. You'll find the right guy, its a new year, new start. This year can't possibly be any worse than last year. Can it?

[gmpartsgirl]

I'm so sorry. My personal feeling is that you have to take the chance. My ex asked me about taking the chance, I told him he had too. Happiness is worth the risk of misery. I've never been this happy in my life. I've lost friends because of it, and its moving very fast, but he makes me so happy. You deserve to be happy and if he's your happiness then you have to risk it. He probably has all the same feelings and reservations you do and is waiting for you to make the first move. Nothing worth having in life comes easy and without risk. Best of luck to you. Everything always works itself out for the better.

[Drew Dowdell]

I keep telling myself that love between adults should know no guilt, or shame, or fear. That I need to say something before I die of this longing. But the courage just doesn't come and I've held myself locked down for so long, I am fearful that even if I am ever able to speak, I would mess things up and end up crying my life away, alone and miserable, motionless and inert.

Summer 2007, on the trip to visit Camino when Fly picked up the LeSabre, I also visited my Great Grandfather. He is my mentorl. It is him who I wish to model my life after.

Anyway, I was speaking with him about my idea of moving to Germany and how the rest of the family doesn't want me to go.

He said "Drew, don't get to be 95 years old and say 'I wish I had........' because by then it will be too late".

and so the decision was made.

That goes for you too 'blu.

[usonia]

I can sympathize and relate to what you wrote. I don’t want this to be like I’m giving advice because that isn’t my intent. I really only want to give you a few things to think about and leave it up to you as to whether it makes any sense and what you choose to do with it

I think we have all found ourselves in the situation where we feel alone or are intensely attracted to someone and those feelings are not reciprocated. This is especially painful if the person of your attraction ends up with someone who is a friend of yours. In these situations, it’s not unusual to wonder “why him and not me” or “what is wrong with me“. However, that is a very place bad place to allow yourself to go because it is impossible to know the answer.

What you have done is to allow your personal happiness to be dependent on other people. We have no control over other’s behaviors, interests, their attractions or their affections just as we don’t consciously decide our likes, dislikes or who we are attracted to. These are the things that make life perversely interesting and yes, at times painful and unfair. I’m not a religious person but if there is a God, in this regard he’s a rotten bastard with a sick sense of humor.

Life in and of itself has no meaning. As we become adults, it is up to each of us to build a life for ourselves of purpose and fulfillment based on our interests, desires and abilities while accepting our limitations. While it is basic human nature to love and to want to be loved, it can be frustrating to see how easily relationships come to some people while others rarely find that human connection.

In my opinion, meeting that “someone” is a crapshoot in general and especially so if you are gay. When you start to consider the number of people in gay community and then reduce it to just the people who are in your geographic area, then those who are single, then those who are in your age range, then those you are attracted to, then those who are attracted to you then finally those whose personality is compatible with your own, you aren’t necessarily left with a whole lot of people and the number may become zero at any point in the elimination.

My point is that your lack of a relationship isn’t necessarily your fault. However, your emotional state in reaction to your situation is something you do have control over and you are the only one who can fix it.

Now, I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear. In your post, you said:

“I just feel like I’m running out of possibilities and I’m just gonna end up lonely and alone for a long time”

The truth is, you may very well end up living your life alone and the sooner you can accept that possibility, the better off you will be. Please, understand I’m NOT saying that it WILL be true for you. I’m NOT saying that you shouldn’t continue to be social and meet people. I’m NOT saying that you shouldn’t continue to hope you find that special person you can share your life with and who wants to share their life with you. .

What I am saying is that none of us have complete control over any situation when it involves other people. That sucks but that is how it works. I don’t think it is rational to think that you can make a plan to find the person of your dreams. You might, but then again, you might not. However, if you can build a good life for yourself where you can be happy knowing that you MAY only have close friends and family in your life, while not ideal, it is far better than being the person who is unable to accept the POSSIBILITY of being alone (but not “lonely”) and then having to face that actual situation. That is a recipe for disappointment and despair.

I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be great and you are going to find your soul mate, but I don’t know that and neither does anyone else. Just remember, however your life plays out, you can be happy in it if you choose to be.

For complete disclosure, I have only met 2 people in my life that I can honestly say that I have truly loved and in neither case were the feelings mutual enough to build a life together. I've had my attractions to friends who were straight and/or married. I couldn't help how I felt even though I knew it would never go anywhere and I could never tell them. My life is not perfect and there are times where I wish things were very different, but I have some great friends and a pretty good life and I guess that is the best I can hope for at this point.

[trinacriabob]

I can sympathize and relate to what you wrote. I don’t want this to be like I’m giving advice because that isn’t my intent. I really only want to give you a few things to think about and leave it up to you as to whether it makes any sense and what you choose to do with it

I think we have all found ourselves in the situation where we feel alone or are intensely attracted to someone and those feelings are not reciprocated. This is especially painful if the person of your attraction ends up with someone who is a friend of yours. In these situations, it’s not unusual to wonder “why him and not me” or “what is wrong with me“. However, that is a very place bad place to allow yourself to go because it is impossible to know the answer.

What you have done is to allow your personal happiness to be dependent on other people. We have no control over other’s behaviors, interests, their attractions or their affections just as we don’t consciously decide our likes, dislikes or who we are attracted to. These are the things that make life perversely interesting and yes, at times painful and unfair. I’m not a religious person but if there is a God, in this regard he’s a rotten bastard with a sick sense of humor.

Life in and of itself has no meaning. As we become adults, it is up to each of us to build a life for ourselves of purpose and fulfillment based on our interests, desires and abilities while accepting our limitations. While it is basic human nature to love and to want to be loved, it can be frustrating to see how easily relationships come to some people while others rarely find that human connection.

In my opinion, meeting that “someone” is a crapshoot in general and especially so if you are gay. When you start to consider the number of people in gay community and then reduce it to just the people who are in your geographic area, then those who are single, then those who are in your age range, then those you are attracted to, then those who are attracted to you then finally those whose personality is compatible with your own, you aren’t necessarily left with a whole lot of people and the number may become zero at any point in the elimination.

My point is that your lack of a relationship isn’t necessarily your fault. However, your emotional state in reaction to your situation is something you do have control over and you are the only one who can fix it.

Now, I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear. In your post, you said:

“I just feel like I’m running out of possibilities and I’m just gonna end up lonely and alone for a long time”

The truth is, you may very well end up living your life alone and the sooner you can accept that possibility, the better off you will be. Please, understand I’m NOT saying that it WILL be true for you. I’m NOT saying that you shouldn’t continue to be social and meet people. I’m NOT saying that you shouldn’t continue to hope you find that special person you can share your life with and who wants to share their life with you. .

What I am saying is that none of us have complete control over any situation when it involves other people. That sucks but that is how it works. I don’t think it is rational to think that you can make a plan to find the person of your dreams. You might, but then again, you might not. However, if you can build a good life for yourself where you can be happy knowing that you MAY only have close friends and family in your life, while not ideal, it is far better than being the person who is unable to accept the POSSIBILITY of being alone (but not “lonely”) and then having to face that actual situation. That is a recipe for disappointment and despair.

I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be great and you are going to find your soul mate, but I don’t know that and neither does anyone else. Just remember, however your life plays out, you can be happy in it if you choose to be.

For complete disclosure, I have only met 2 people in my life that I can honestly say that I have truly loved and in neither case were the feelings mutual enough to build a life together. I've had my attractions to friends who were straight and/or married. I couldn't help how I felt even though I knew it would never go anywhere and I could never tell them. My life is not perfect and there are times where I wish things were very different, but I have some great friends and a pretty good life and I guess that is the best I can hope for at this point.

Hey usonia, I first started looking at this thread and thought "oh, no, here we go again." Then I got to reading your post a couple of times and think that this is the most insightful post you've ever made. I bolded up certain parts because they apply to everybody, regardless of gender, sexual preference, age or any other demographic factor. For me, the lack of reciprocity in attraction has had me in an "I don't need anybody" holding pattern for quite a while. I had a very rude awakening a couple of years after my last high school reunion that has really numbed me up. Lately, I've been the one doing the rejecting. I don't think it's to "even up the score" but I'm genuinely not interested in who is "left over" and a friend of mine in Portland says I'm "holding court." That's a little harsh and not necessarily true. That concept of the process of elimination you describe and which is, again, applicable to every single demographic strata in life is what I call "the funnel." You start out with a lot of candidates at the top part of the funnel and the bottom narrows drastically. Everyone has to be "their own best friend" -- from there, it's all downhill.

Edited January 4, 2009 by trinacriabob

[MikeyMo84]

wow guys...thank you so much for taking the time to write such detailed heartfelt responses...i can honestly say that i do feel a whole lot better after reading them all...i honestly do believe that there is someone for everyone however it is definately up in the air as to whether or not you find that person...and im definately NOT ok with the thought of being single my whole life and i have no desire to end up that way whether or not thats good for my mental health remains to be seen...i think that lately these feelings have been intensified when compounded with the fact that i am going through some trouble with my closest friends and with my family...there has been a lot of drama in those areas and whats normally a happy and fruitful holiday season was mostly a miserable mess of emotions for me on that front and it has definately added to the pain...things are slowly working out with them tho so hopefully i'll continue to feel better as time goes by...

thanks again everyone i really REALLY appreciate everything especially considering we barely know each other :-)

[ocnblu]

I am sorry for rudely hijacking your thread, Mikey. Your original post elicited a response that just poured out, and before I knew it, I had 300 pages typed. It was embarrassing.

Talking about things helps, and I'm glad you're feeling better. I find that just putting something out there, outside yourself as you did with this thread, makes a positive difference.

Best to you in 2009.

[usonia]

Then I got to reading your post a couple of times and think that this is the most insightful post you've ever made.

Thank you. This train of thought is something I had to go through for myself when I was coming to terms with being gay. That was a really tough time for me. In large part because I just don't find myself attracted to that many people to begin with plus I was so afraid that if people found out I was gay that I would end up alone with no friends or family. I had to figure out how to come to grips with the reality of my situation and that's what I came up with.

[daves87rs]

I think at some point everybody will get a chance, as I talked to a 51 year old getting married for the first time...

[MikeyMo84]

ocn - your original comment was more than welcome and i read the whole thing like wow thats gotta be so hard...thanks for sharing

[ocnblu]

Thanks, Mikey.

[A Horse With No Name]

I am in a long term relationship...we have been together since 1985 and married since 1988. To me coming to grips with having to be possibly single is one of the most important parts of being happy with someone.

Something could happen to my wife tomorrow, and I may never find another person.

Personally, I came to grips with the idea that I might not ever find someone I liked who also liked me when I was seventeen. What usonia said about being your own best friend rings true, I think.

'blu, I have a lot of respect for you and wish you the best.

MikeyMo84, I wish you the best also...

Both of you guys deserve great guys. I know of several long, long tern happy gay couples here in Columbus...and from the bottom of my heart I really hope that both of you find someone and are together with them for a long damn time. Hopefully your still driving GM stuff for a long damn time also.

usonia, Bob, thank you for your thoughtful responses also.

Chris

Edited January 5, 2009 by 66Stang

[knightfan26917]

My ex is having the same problem, he's too nice and he's getting played by women, and lead on because he wants friendship first, not sex and they want sex.

*raises eyebrow curiously*

Dang ... I've never known a female who wanted the sex first.... Perhaps that's part of my problem .

usonia, awesome post.

And, Mikey, I can identify with you. At 35 and never had a gf, let alone sex, I'm beginning to think it is "too late" for me. Didn't help that we had our family Christmas dinner Sunday (01/04/09) and I was the only one without a spouse or gf. I kinda felt out of place, in a way. Still ... it was a great time and I wish we got together more often. Anyway ... I've learned that it is OK to be single. Society, however, doesn't seem to think so since most things are built around couples of some sort. Ugh.

Cort | 35swm | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker ...RT 66 drive = Sept '09

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"Love don't come easy" ... Baillie and the Boys ... 'Wilder Days'