Pricked, Prodded & Probed

[Oracle of Delphi]

About two months ago I started to get terrible pains on the right side of my abdomen, at first I ignored them as most men would do, but they persisted. I waited to see if they would go away but they only got worse as time wore on. Not being the kind of person that sticks his head in the sand, I took medical leave and decided to come back to the United States to see what the hell was going on with me.

I decided to grab the bull by the horns as it were, and I scheduled an appointment with a gastroenterologist (sp?). The night before my procedures, I got the choice of two lovely prep kits to start the ball rolling as it were. The 1st prep kit you had to mix a gallon of clear fluid with something that tasted like paint thinner with a hint of lemon, or I could pick from door number 2, which was to take 32 pills in groups of 4 every 15 minutes with an 8 ounce glass of water, until I got to 20 pills. Then 5 hours before my procedures I was to finish off the last 12 pills by taking them 4 at a time until I got to the last 4, which were supposed to be washed down by 7 Up. I picked door number 2. Needless to say, this started events that were to last well into the next afternoon.

I get to the surgical center with my wife the next morning at 8 am sharp, because I'm German and we are always very prompt. I am taken to a room where I am instructed to remove all my clothes and put on the fanny freezer gown. As I strip down to nothing, I notice that the window has no blinds and people are walking by and waving, how nice! I'm not shy by any means, and I even like attention to a point, but this takes the cake.

I finally get into the fanny freezer gown and put on the lovely shower cap that matches the gown and the matching booties, and open the door as instructed. Now I see people being moved into and out of surgery and kinds of doctor types moving up and down the hallways, all of them looking in and smiling and giving me the, I know why you're here nod. So this blond guy walks by, peers in, but stays out in the hall, so I say, don't I look pretty? He says, why yes you do, by the way I'm doctor blah blah blah, I'm your anesthesiologist. Oh Joy I think. He proceeds to ask me a million questions, which I answer, then he ask me, do you have any questions? All I could think of since I was still suffering the effects of the prep kit from the night before is "Where is the bathroom, and can I still use it, he said its right around the corner and you can use it until the nurse comes back to get you for your procedures. He then proceeds to hook me up to and IV. Then he has a nurse bring my wife back to see me in this get up, and he then leaves.

As I am sitting there the urge to evacuate (CRAP) hits me like a ton of bricks. So I tell me wife to cover the back of me with the blanket and head towards the bathroom with IV cart in tow. As I do my business, I realize I have a terrible problem, as one hand is holding up my gown, the other is holding onto my IV and I am now a hand short for clean up DUTY. So I call to my wife and ask her to come in, she has this look of horror on her face as I start to say, we have been married 20 years and in all those years I never thought I would have to ask you to do this, but could you hold my IV? See you thought I was going to say wipe my butt, didn't you? With her holding the IV, that now allowed me to take matters into my own hands.

When I finally get out of the bathroom after I washed up, there is a friendly nurse waiting for me, asking if I was hiding from her? She looked like Mimi from the Drew Carey show.

When I get into the surgical room, I am greeted by the blond anesthesiologist, who says to me, hop right up on this bed Mr. Borger and lay on your left side, as my mind is racing, I hear the faint sound of Deck the Halls being played over the speaker system in the operating room, I thought how surreal is this?

Next thing I know the Doctor comes in, now we know each other, for one thing, he worked on my father when he had been throwing up blood after his stroke, and one of his nurses is best friends with my wife, and we rented his beach house in Nags Head, so he says to me why are you here, now I know he knows, but ok, I'll tell you again whats going on. So he says we are going to take a peek inside your colon and into your stomach, then he says any questions? All I could think to answer was, which end are you doing 1st? He asked why? I said I would prefer that he did my stomach 1st, because I didn't want any funny aftertaste when I woke up or a brown ring around my mouth. He tilted his head back and roared with laughter and said, he always did the bottom end 1st and then the stomach, but not to worry as they are not the same instrument. Then he strapped what looked like a blue ball gag with a hole in the middle of it onto my mouth. The doctor said this was needed to guide the scope down into my stomach, I thought sure it was. then all I could hear was Silver Bells playing ever so softly in the background.

Then I hear, Borger are you awake? I open my eyes and see my wife but she isn't talking, it's the Drew Carey nurse, asking how do I feel, I thought how the hell do you think I feel after riding a 17 foot pole? Then she says, you need to fart, I say what? If you want to go home today, you have to fart, and I need to hear it, or I will have to stick a funnel like device in your butt. I say, I can fart to the tune of INNA GADDA DAVIDA if you want, I then proceed to make her wildest dream come true. She says good, the doctor will be right in, I think oh joy!

He comes in, asks how my wife has been, then proceeds to tell us that my colon is the cleanest colon he has ever seen, I say that's because it's an exit not an entrance, he cocks his head back and roars with laughter again, we both know he's gay because he told us when we rented his beach house 2 years ago. He then gets this very serious look on his face and says, your stomach is full of acid, so much so, that your stomach is swollen and my esophagus is bright red from the acid. I tell him the weird thing is, I never have heartburn, just pain on my right side past the stomach. Then he gets a really serious look on his face and say, I went and looked there, I found a nodule. I repeat that word in my mind, and I say what is it? He says, I don't know, that's why I did a biopsy, we should get the results back in 7 - 14 days. then he asked, do you want to see it? I think sure why not? Let's see the damn thing, what the hell the worst it can do is kill me.

He says in the meantime, you're Nexium's newest patient, one pill a day for the rest of your life, in the back of my mind I'm thinking how ever long that is. Then he says, I want you to stay in the United States until your results come in from the biopsy, that put me in red alert mode.

Today was one week exactly, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I called his office, and said to the woman who answered, I was just wondering if my biopsy came back? She said let me check, she gets back on the phone and says the doctor wants to speak to you. I think oh $h!!!!! He gets on the phone and says biopsy was negative for cancer, you're good, it looks like the acid ate though the end of the stomach wall and your body healed the wound and left the nodule there like a plug.

He said, stay on the Nexium, enjoy your life, see you in 5 years to do it all over again. Oh joy!

That was my week, how was yours?

Edited December 12, 2008 by Pontiac Custom-S

[Lamar]

Great blog entry, Börger. Good to hear that you're healthy... one of the things we all need to be thankful for considering the state that the world is in.

Since you asked, I'm winding down my semester. Turned in a translation assignment, a take-home exam, updated my students' grades, and have to finish an 8-page paper by noon tomorrow. So, you know, nothing crucial.

[FUTURE_OF_GM]

Wow... And I thought I took the cake this week!

Glad to hear that Nexium will fix it though, sounds like things could've been a lot worse.

[regfootball]

an ex girlfriend of mine has a blog site where she writes about her scrapbooking all the time. I honestly can say that never once on her site has she come close to anything that has held my 'how the hell is this gonna turn out' interest like this?

Mr BoRgEr, not only are we glad its only acid, but you sure know how to tell the story in cliffhanger style. glad you averted the bad thing.

[ocnblu]

Yeah, I've been through this procedure, was diagnosed with GERD. That was, oh my gosh, 10 years ago I guess. I was on the medicine for a while, but decided to try an attitude adjustment after that. I haven't had serious problems since, even when my attitude regresses.

PCS, your story brought back memories. I had to have my mom go with me though. She made me feel a lot better when she said "you know the doctors and nurses laugh at the guys' little peckers while they're on the table under the anesthesia."

[Camino LS6]

Wow PCS, one of your best bits of writing on C&G so far - nicely told.

I'm glad things were not more serious.

I don't even want to talk about how my day(s) have been...

[daves87rs]

Wow...

Glad everything turned out okay...

[Robert Hall]

Fun...I've been diagnosed with mild IBS before, usually treat it with Immodium and cutting back on the good stuff (I do love spicy Indian, Thai, etc). A buddy of mine that has colitis had to go through that prep process for a GI exam a few months ago, didn't look like it was much fun. Good thing is I rarely have constipation, I usually have 4-5 good BMs every day (with the occasional screaming, burning diahrehha if I eat too much spicy food).

Edited December 12, 2008 by moltar

[GMTruckGuy74]

PCS, glad to see that you don't have the big-C and that your ailments can be treated with medication. Sorry to see that you had to go through this unholy-but-common ritualistic torture experiment though! I work with a ton of people over the age of 50 and it seems almost all of them had to endure this procedure to for a regular over-50 checkup. I am not looking forward to this time period in my life arriving, to say the least!

And ocnblu, you always know how to crack me, especially when I'm at work! I couldn't stop laughing for a few moments after reading your post.

[Robert Hall]

PCS, glad to see that you don't have the big-C and that your ailments can be treated with medication. Sorry to see that you had to go through this unholy-but-common ritualistic torture experiment though! I work with a ton of people over the age of 50 and it seems almost all of them had to endure this procedure to for a regular over-50 checkup. I am not looking forward to this time period in my life arriving, to say the least!

My friend w/ colitis has had to have a colonoscopy every year since he was 20...my doctor wants me to have one before I'm 40, which is coming up soon.

[Blake Noble]

I had begun to wonder what was going on with you, PCS. Good to hear everything is all sound.

I don't even want to talk about how my day(s) have been...

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