Memorials/funerals ... to attend or not to attend

[knightfan26917]

This week, I wasn't able to attend the memorial service of an elderly woman I've known since 1978 ... when my grandparents moved to Batavia IL so my grandfather could pastor a church there. And, in a way, I'm glad I didn't go.

Back in 1987, when my then best friend died, I was all about the memorial service. I felt the need to BE there ... and, I was. It was awesome hearing people talk about him ... and hearing stories about him that, sadly, I didn't know. I even found out that he didn't want me to know how bad his asthma was ... because of my own health issues.

But, since then ... and especially in the last few years ... I've grown to dislike and not want to attend funerals/memorial services.

As I've grown older, I've noticed how funerals/memorial services tend to become a reunion of sorts between family members and friends. I've also noticed how it is at memorial services/funerals that people tell others how much the deceased means to them. Both of these frustrate me just a bit. While it is fun remembering and reuniting with people ... I feel these should be done more often while people are ALIVE to ENJOY them. As for telling how much someone means to you ... well, that, as far as I'm concerned, should be done while the person is alive ... to HEAR it.

*shrugs*

But, even I'm guilty of not telling people how much they mean to me ... and not attending gatherings. I know some family members and even some friends I've met through various online/national groups that, most likely, do not have a clue how much they mean to me ... and who I wish I took and had more time to see them each year.

*sighs*

Sssoo...what're your thoughts?

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"Time is a natural healer" ... John Conlee ... 'Years After You'

[Camino LS6]

I understand funeral fatigue - I've been to too many.

However, if I'm expected to be there, I go.

I don't usually find comfort in the ceremony as some do, but I go out of respect.

[NINETY EIGHT REGENCY]

This week, I wasn't able to attend the memorial service of an elderly woman I've known since 1978 ... when my grandparents moved to Batavia IL so my grandfather could pastor a church there. And, in a way, I'm glad I didn't go.

Back in 1987, when my then best friend died, I was all about the memorial service. I felt the need to BE there ... and, I was. It was awesome hearing people talk about him ... and hearing stories about him that, sadly, I didn't know. I even found out that he didn't want me to know how bad his asthma was ... because of my own health issues.

But, since then ... and especially in the last few years ... I've grown to dislike and not want to attend funerals/memorial services.

As I've grown older, I've noticed how funerals/memorial services tend to become a reunion of sorts between family members and friends. I've also noticed how it is at memorial services/funerals that people tell others how much the deceased means to them. Both of these frustrate me just a bit. While it is fun remembering and reuniting with people ... I feel these should be done more often while people are ALIVE to ENJOY them. As for telling how much someone means to you ... well, that, as far as I'm concerned, should be done while the person is alive ... to HEAR it.

*shrugs*

But, even I'm guilty of not telling people how much they mean to me ... and not attending gatherings. I know some family members and even some friends I've met through various online/national groups that, most likely, do not have a clue how much they mean to me ... and who I wish I took and had more time to see them each year.

*sighs*

Sssoo...what're your thoughts?

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"Time is a natural healer" ... John Conlee ... 'Years After You'

I totally understand. They always say at the funerals lets get together before someone else dies... they never do.

I cannot do funerals. I cannot look at dead bodies. by in the 1980's my uncles funeral traumatized me. I was forced to go to my grandfather's funeral a few years ago. Sadly, but true it was reading a comic book that gave me the ability to be able to go. Wonder Woman's mother( Queen Hippolyta) died in the comics the same time my grand father died. I went. I got past it. My grandmother is still with us, and she is not in good health either.

I totally understand.. I have to deal with the deaths of some of my students the last few years. I did not attend the funerals. When you see someone younger than you die, it just shows you how valuable life is and how much people take for granted.

[knightfan26917]

When you see someone younger than you die, it just shows you how valuable life is and how much people take for granted.

Yep ... I know that feeling, all too well.

Sad, isn't it that it takes a death for people to realize this?

And, Camino ... I should've been a bit clearer on the original post. I WILL still go to funerals ... just not as eager as I used to be.

And, of course, I meant no disrespect to anyone; I agree that memorials/funerals are to celebrate one's life ... and to help the grieving. Whether it is attending the service or contacting the family/friends of the deceased that I know, I make sure that I reach out to them.

I just feel that more should be done while people are alive to spend time together and share things. I know, for me personally, if I had known some of the things about my best friend while he was alive, our friendship may've been stronger and/or richer....

As for the elderly lady, I was not able to attend because I wasn't able to clear my schedule. BUT ... one night this week, I'm going to stop at Wendy's on my way home to pick up dinner ... and have a Frosty in her honor. I've felt a bit guilty since I learned about her death because I never did take her to get a Frosty as we had talked about for the last year or so.... We just never took the time ... either she was sick and/or in the hospital ... or I wasn't around ... or the weather was not "favorable" (per her definition).

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"Without you, I'm not me" ... Colin Raye ... 'Little Rock'

[Camino LS6]

No worries Cort, I was comiserating not scolding.

[2005 EquinoxLS]

I know too much about funerals. After my Dads on June 11th I am not in the mood to deal with it either. At 60 years old he wastoo young to go. And the suddenness of it is a hard thing to deal with. Not to mention his and Moms new house is being built because the state is tearing ours down. But enough about that. I realixe that sooner or later my 86 year old Grandma will leave this earth and I will have that to deal with. I was pretty good with my dad but I still wonder if there was more that could have been done or said? He and I enjoyed the Chicago Auto Show the last 3 years we went. I valued that time VERY much and even moreso now. I will still go for my interest and to keep the tradition going but it wont be the same. Take time out to tell someone you love them. One never knows when they wont be here to tell. I found that out June 7th when Dad died at home.

[staceface]

I've always felt that funerals/memorial services and the like are for the living. I think it would be devasting enough to lose a loved one, let alone have to throw a funeral and have nobody come. I've even been to funerals where I didn't even know the deceased, but am showing respect for someone close to them. And no, i'm NOT a funeral junkie! Just my thoughs......

[trinacriabob]

*sighs*

Sssoo...what're your thoughts?

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"Time is a natural healer" ... John Conlee ... 'Years After You'

Listen to your gut instinct.

You shouldn't go to one because you feel you have to....you should go to one because you want to.

[Robert Hall]

I've been to two funerals in the last two years..both were for coworkers that were my own age...which is a bit disturbing to see 35 yr olds dying. One died from a car crash and the other died last year of a heart attack. One odd thing about the second one was the # of people that I later also saw at my best friend's wedding earlier this year (my coworker that died last year had been my best friend's roommate in college). A Jewish funeral and a Jewish wedding within 6 months of each other...both were very interesting and memorable experiences for me.

When my father died at home of cancer in '99, it was both sad and a relief (he had been fighting cancer for 2 1/2 years)..

[trinacriabob]

and the other died last year of a heart attack.

I remember when you posted this. Hopefully, you peeled back on your hours somewhat.

[Robert Hall]

I remember when you posted this. Hopefully, you peeled back on your hours somewhat.

Yes... I'm out of that company now, working as a contractor on a 6-to 12 month gig now... for the last year at that company, I was working a straight 40 hr schedule, and now at my contract I'm doing straight 40 so far... if things get heavy towards the end of the project, I may have some OT, but at least it will be at $75/hr rather than for free...

[knightfan26917]

No worries Cort, I was comiserating not scolding.

Ohhh...good . He he

2005 E ... I wondered if you were going to continue going to the CAS....good that you will still do that!

Stace ... I've done that in the past, too ... attending funerals of people I don't know, but that I know people affected by the death. Those I can handle a bit easier ... because I don't know anyone else ... nor do I know the "ins and outs" of the family and friends of the deceased.....

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"I must be lonely" ... Matchbox 20 ... '3 am'

[2005 EquinoxLS]

I think my Dad would want me to continue to do that. Just like keeping his 1985 Caprice. And his model cars and lava lights. Got to keep the memories of your loved ones alive.

[knightfan26917]

Got to keep the memories of your loved ones alive.

*nods*

Oh my yes. But, sadly, as time goes on ... those memories do fade. I know sometimes I can't even remember exactly my best friend's face ... or faces of family members, etc. It's kinda weird.

Another thought....

A friend sends me "thoughts for the day" every now'n'then. I received this one in my Email inbox Tuesday morning:

"People will forget what you said and forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

Hmmm...perhaps that illustrates my point ... that, in general, we should be better at relating and corresponding and interacting while we still can. I know I stay in touch with my friends through Email, message boards, phone calls ... and, of course, road trips. And, yet, oddly enough, it never seems enough. Life is busy.

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"We all do the best we can" ... Blain Larson ... 'How Do You Get That Lonely?'

[Olds Guy]

I too do this when I can. One time I did this, I went to a funeral for a friends grandparent. I knew the kids growing up and the father worked where I got a job, so I was close to the family just not that generation. At the funeral I found out my wife is actually related to the family. Small world.

I've always felt that funerals/memorial services and the like are for the living. I think it would be devasting enough to lose a loved one, let alone have to throw a funeral and have nobody come. I've even been to funerals where I didn't even know the deceased, but am showing respect for someone close to them. And no, i'm NOT a funeral junkie! Just my thoughs......

[knightfan26917]

At the funeral I found out my wife is actually related to the family. Small world.

Ahhh....sometimes, those "small world" moments do come out at family gatherings ... funerals/memorials services or whatever. They can help to make the connections stronger, too.....

Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker

WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort

"We can take anything that comes our way" ... BJ Thomas ... 'As Long As We Got Each Other'

[vonVeezelsnider]

It really depends how close I was to the deceased. In the case of close friends, immediate family, close extended family... I want to be there, but outside of that, I just see myself in a memorial service for someone I never knew enough to feel the way I feel I 'should' at a funeral. If I don't come close to tears during the eulogy, I just didn't know them well enough. I now just send a card of condolence in the cases which aren't mentioned above. There's more than one way to pay respects to the deceased and their next-of-kin.