What Would You Do?

[z28luvr01]

So, yeah, this is something I'm struggling with right now, and I'm not sure where to go from here. Long story short - I've been crazy about this girl for a long time, but for one reason or another we've been missing each other. I find out from her friend that she started seeing someone about 4-5 weeks ago and they're "official". Unlike any other time I've fallen for someone, I feel this one is worth putting it all on the line for. Countering that emotion, however, is my sense of right and wrong, coupled with the fact that I don't want to piss off her friend, since she in not so many words told me not to bother. So there you have it, the cliff's notes version. I might go into more detail eventually, but now I just don't feel like it. Any advice is appreciated, I have no idea where to go from here.

[Oracle of Delphi]

So, yeah, this is something I'm struggling with right now, and I'm not sure where to go from here. Long story short - I've been crazy about this girl for a long time, but for one reason or another we've been missing each other. I find out from her friend that she started seeing someone about 4-5 weeks ago and they're "official". Unlike any other time I've fallen for someone, I feel this one is worth putting it all on the line for. Countering that emotion, however, is my sense of right and wrong, coupled with the fact that I don't want to piss off her friend, since she in not so many words told me not to bother. So there you have it, the cliff's notes version. I might go into more detail eventually, but now I just don't feel like it. Any advice is appreciated, I have no idea where to go from here.

Hmmmm, what would Jesus do? JK! I need a few more facts, how old are all of you (you, her, her new BF). What attracts you to her? Has she ever said she liked you at all and if she did, did she mean it as a friend?

[z28luvr01]

Hmmmm, what would Jesus do? JK! I need a few more facts, how old are all of you (you, her, her new BF). What attracts you to her? Has she ever said she liked you at all and if she did, did she mean it as a friend?

See that's just the thing. We're both Christians (I don't know about him), so I really am not sure God would feel about me potentially jeopardizing that relationship. Anyway, I'm 28, she's 27, no idea about him. I've felt something click with her since the first time I saw her. She's beautiful, but it's not just that because I see tons of women in the gym with hardly anything on and they all do nothing for me. I love her personality, she's sweet, funny and "spunky", if you will, sort of complements my more low key approach to things.

[Oracle of Delphi]

Well I'm no Dr. Phil, but I've been around. If I were you I would just tell her how I feel. Then the ball is in her court. If it's meant to be, then it will happen, if not then it wont. Since you're a Christian, tell her how you feel and leave it in the Lord's hands. Isn't that what you believe deep down anyway?

[DetroitNut90]

I would personally find a happy medium between options 2 and 3. Keep an eye out to see if the relationship does fall through, but operate on the assumption that it won't, just as an emotional safeguard.

[Z-06]

First of all I need to know

A. How much information do you have about her? And how close you are with her. I mean do you just know her name? or you know more than that. How long have you known her. More important how much of a comfortable conversations did have with her?

B. You need to find more about "him." And how she is when she is with him. The second part is more important. It is important to know how he makes her feel.

C. I want to know what will you do without her. Tell me the extremes of your reactions.

Based on what you have provided in your posts, Z-28, let us look at your options and see how we can strategize your solution.

1. Tell the person how you feel anyway

2. Wait for the relationship to falter, then swoop in

3. Move on and start looking for someone else

4. Screw true love. Stick to your hobbies

5. Other

2, and 3 are not good choices. For the reason, you are predetermining your results, for # two is hyperbolically optimistic, while 3 is pessimistic. 4. Screw True Love, it is the pure form of abstinence and you are altruistic enough to resist your emotional wants. Not a bad choice, that is why I asked you the C. #5 Other, you can find somebody, who can fit her model in your mind and see if you feel the chemistry. Now, let us turn into choice 1. For first, no game is over till, the final whistle is blown. In same analogy, no girl is not yours till you or her is dead. I know it sounds selfish, but, isn't you wanting her selfishness? Choice number one can lead to 2 or 3. For one, if she does not really love him, it will put a tinker of doubt to accelerate that thought and hence choice 2 will be materialize. Or if she does, you move on. It can also, lead to a stronger statement of #4 and you will really be an altruist and get yourself a Camaro Z28. :AH-HA_wink:

My answer will be 1. Target and get it over with one way or other and move on. It gives your life more flexibility, rather than linger and be dead in thoughts.

[Cory Wolfe]

Tell Jesus to hump a light bulb and tell her anyways.

[deftonesfan867]

Tell Jesus to hump a light bulb and tell her anyways.

Kids these days......just tell her dude. If she says nothing will happen then you can move on. Easier said than done I know.

[Intrepidation]

You brought religion into this thread and therefore lost me and any advice I might have.

[regfootball]

considering your ages, do it now. tell her. if not, then relieve yourself of the torture and stop seeing her and move on.

'it's not over' until they have a rock and marraige certificate and even then they might have made a big mistake but everything up until 'I do' is fair game.

She will tell you if she is interested. Ignore the friend. The friend might be bitter or vengeful about something.

Even if she tells you no, now, she will always remember what you told her she means to you and it is up to her to then look within and evaluate how she feels about you. After that point, the connection is either already there or it's not and she ought to be in touch with herself enough to know which of those two it is.

What she won't do is breakup what she has now, to contemplate what you mean to her. She already in her mind long ago decided if you were realtionship material or not. The rest involves timing, which you sound to have had lots of misfortune with this girl.

Rent When Harry Met Sally. It may not be wholly applicable to your special situation, but there is some things to see in that movie that alwasy make you think of your own relationships with another and your roles in a partnership over time. Point being, in the end of the movie, they realized of all the superficial things out there they were able to recognize what finally made them compatible and a pair. And they stopped looking for what it was they thought they should have.

I'm never one to sound the alarm bell but I can tell you....with proof, a woman gets close to 30 and they DO feel that 3 coming near and THEY DO make commitment moves a lot faster if they meet someone even kind of interesting and you do not want to wait so long so that you would get shut out.

Part that hurts is if she says she really likes 'new guy' then at least we have progress, some resolution, and she's had her option presented to her.

My only exception would be if you had absolute proof you don't think her new guy will work out in the short term, i.e next year or so. But at late 20's, chances are much greater she could be walking down the aisle in less than 12 months and you're the guy eating cake at table 17 with some person she used to work at at a summer job in college 8 years ago who she almost never sees now.

One of my past heartbreaks, our next to last face to face meeting, which was a chance meeting but was after i started dating my wife (which upset her) told me to my face 'i am not getting married til I am 30, I'm in no hurry.' I went to her wedding less than a year later. She had like 2 kids within the first 2 years after that.

Seeing that person that you cared about at one time so deeply and you know cared about you as well but you never had a chance to get in sync....seeing them with a wedding dress on and saying yes to someone else, with your very own eyes......that is painful. It flat out rips at your stomach. It takes awhile to get over that. You feel rejection. I can attest to how hard a feeling that is to wait too long to tell somebody and see them move quickly to someone else when the chance presents itself for them.

I know a woman right now who has told me to my face (she's like 28) she is in no rush to get married and will wait 10 years to get married and I can bet you money by 30 she has her sugar daddy and kid one. She is out 4-5 nights a wek looking for THE ONE, and FAST.

Late 20's = danger zone. People are very much wanting to find their someone and work very hard at making that happen. You won't want to lose out on someone you think is the one, even if it means crash and burn potentially. My friends who are 35+ and single but not gay have major slim picking for realtionships.

Edited June 1, 2007 by regfootball

[deftonesfan867]

Late 20's = danger zone. People are very much wanting to find their someone and work very hard at making that happen. You won't want to lose out on someone you think is the one, even if it means crash and burn potentially. My friends who are 35+ and single but not gay have major slim picking for relationships.

VERY true, believe me.

[Intrepidation]

Not planning something satanic, were you?

No.

[ocnblu]

I am hung up in a situation myself, so I have no advice, but I really want to see how this thread progresses. Maybe I'll learn something.

[z28luvr01]

First of all I need to know

A. How much information do you have about her? And how close you are with her. I mean do you just know her name? or you know more than that. How long have you known her. More important how much of a comfortable conversations did have with her?

I know quite a few things about her. I'm also in pretty good standing with her friends and family. It's not like we grew up together, but it wouldn't exactly be a blind date either. I met her in the fall '06. We were attending a young adult Bible study together. I was a staff member and she was an attendee. I felt an instant click, and as I got to know her I liked her more and more. I never did anything about it, mainly because I did not want to jeopardize her time at the study. After the study ended I said to myself the next time I see her I will ask her out. Bad timing among other things kept us apart until the beginning of this month when I saw her again. No matter, because when we started talking it was like the gap in time did not occur. I said the same thing again - next time I see her I will ask her out. Haven't seen her since. And the kicker is, from the information I have from her friend, the two of them started dating right around the time I last saw her.

B. You need to find more about "him." And how she is when she is with him. The second part is more important. It is important to know how he makes her feel.

I don't have any first hand experience with them together, but the message that I'm getting from her friend is that she likes this guy.

C. I want to know what will you do without her. Tell me the extremes of your reactions.

I'm not sure. The pickings in my age bracket are definitely slim, and, without sounding conceited, I do not want to compromise what I want in a mate just to get hooked up. This one is a rarity and I should have been a lot more aggressive. I don't belong in the bar scene, my friends are for the most part hooked up and don't know anyone, and I'm not totally sold on online dating just yet. So in reality #3 is just about eliminated from contention, for now if not permanently.

considering your ages, do it now. tell her. if not, then relieve yourself of the torture and stop seeing her and move on.

'it's not over' until they have a rock and marraige certificate and even then they might have made a big mistake but everything up until 'I do' is fair game.

She will tell you if she is interested. Ignore the friend. The friend might be bitter or vengeful about something.

Even if she tells you no, now, she will always remember what you told her she means to you and it is up to her to then look within and evaluate how she feels about you. After that point, the connection is either already there or it's not and she ought to be in touch with herself enough to know which of those two it is.

What she won't do is breakup what she has now, to contemplate what you mean to her. She already in her mind long ago decided if you were realtionship material or not. The rest involves timing, which you sound to have had lots of misfortune with this girl.

Rent When Harry Met Sally. It may not be wholly applicable to your special situation, but there is some things to see in that movie that alwasy make you think of your own relationships with another and your roles in a partnership over time. Point being, in the end of the movie, they realized of all the superficial things out there they were able to recognize what finally made them compatible and a pair. And they stopped looking for what it was they thought they should have.

I'm never one to sound the alarm bell but I can tell you....with proof, a woman gets close to 30 and they DO feel that 3 coming near and THEY DO make commitment moves a lot faster if they meet someone even kind of interesting and you do not want to wait so long so that you would get shut out.

Part that hurts is if she says she really likes 'new guy' then at least we have progress, some resolution, and she's had her option presented to her.

My only exception would be if you had absolute proof you don't think her new guy will work out in the short term, i.e next year or so. But at late 20's, chances are much greater she could be walking down the aisle in less than 12 months and you're the guy eating cake at table 17 with some person she used to work at at a summer job in college 8 years ago who she almost never sees now.

One of my past heartbreaks, our next to last face to face meeting, which was a chance meeting but was after i started dating my wife (which upset her) told me to my face 'i am not getting married til I am 30, I'm in no hurry.' I went to her wedding less than a year later. She had like 2 kids within the first 2 years after that.

Seeing that person that you cared about at one time so deeply and you know cared about you as well but you never had a chance to get in sync....seeing them with a wedding dress on and saying yes to someone else, with your very own eyes......that is painful. It flat out rips at your stomach. It takes awhile to get over that. You feel rejection. I can attest to how hard a feeling that is to wait too long to tell somebody and see them move quickly to someone else when the chance presents itself for them.

I know a woman right now who has told me to my face (she's like 28) she is in no rush to get married and will wait 10 years to get married and I can bet you money by 30 she has her sugar daddy and kid one. She is out 4-5 nights a wek looking for THE ONE, and FAST.

Late 20's = danger zone. People are very much wanting to find their someone and work very hard at making that happen. You won't want to lose out on someone you think is the one, even if it means crash and burn potentially. My friends who are 35+ and single but not gay have major slim picking for realtionships.

You make a very good point, reg.. I see that with my own sister - she's ready to grab the next bus out of the station no matter where it's going, and the guys she's been going out with (either through eHarmony or through hookups via a friend), have been somewhat less than perfect for her. The data I have suggests that the one I want is pretty into this other guy, but women do have a way of fooling themselves and other people into thinking they're truly happy.

You know what, now would be a great time for the women of this site to come out of hibernation and speak their minds here.

[Drew Dowdell]

being on the receiving end of this recently, I advise you to keep a respectful distance. It's not right to be a "homewrecker"

For her, it ends up being a "grass is greener" situation.

Edited June 1, 2007 by Oldsmoboi

[76ChevyTrucker]

If it were my ball of wax, I'd tell her just like everyone else has told you to tell her. At the least, she'll know, and maybe it'll bring her around. Like with Amy and me. When I first met her, I felt an instant click (the old addage of love at first sight), but I, shortly after meeting her, learned she was just ending up a bad relationship. So, being respectful like I am, I waited a small amount of time instead of more or less just telling her how I feel. During that time, her and the other guy patched things up for a little while (and I thank God for this), they fell back apart and the rest is history, we've been married for two+ years now and we've got squirt. I'm happy, she's happy, it all works.

Here's what I say do, pray about it tonight, see what the man upstairs said (I did it for three months before asking Amy to marry me), if he says go for it, then you'll know. If not, keep praying about it and take matters into your hands. Ask her out for something innocent, coffee, a burger, heck even a milkshake somewhere, whatever, just get her. Then lay it out there, just tell her what you feel in your heart. Watch her body language, a lot of women won't say anything, but their bodies doggone sure will. If she seems thoughtful about it, then you've got a chance, if not, then you might have to bide your time. And if she slaps you in your face or laughs at you, then well.....you'll know.

[aaaantoine]

being on the receiving end of this recently, I advise you to keep a respectful distance. It's not right to be a "homewrecker"

For her, it ends up being a "grass is greener" situation.

What he said.

There's a good chance that if you tell her how you feel, it may prematurely ruin the relationship she has with the man she's with. Now the man you hardly know is gonna be sour, and you don't know what he's capable of, or if he will do something drastic. Christian or not, he's only human.

Or, if she feels nothing for you, the relationship will go on, and she will be made more nervous when you're around. You will become more distant than before.

Worst case scenarios, basically.

If you're already somewhat close with her, you have a better chance of winning her over. However, your posts indicate that you are not, so I'd either wait it out or keep fishing.

You could try getting closer to her, as a friend. You might catch her on the rebound if the relationship goes south. Or, she might get married, and you'll have wasted your time, so to speak. Additionally, befriending her if you have feelings for her could be torturous, and it's also mildly deceptive if you have an alterior motive. Dishonesty is a rather universal turn-off.

Edited June 1, 2007 by aaaantoine

[Enzora]

Tell Jesus to hump a light bulb and tell her anyways.

incandescent or fluorescent?

And z28, I agree that you should just tell her.

Edited June 1, 2007 by Enzora

[GMTruckGuy74]

Here's another vote for "just tell her". Either you'll get the girl (eventually) or not, at least you won't continue to waste time. Life's too short to "keep waiting".

I had a crush on a girl fron 7th to 12th grade. I never said a thing - always wanted to, but never did (bad timing also existed for me too). By the middle of senior year she was unattached, and I still was too nervous that she'd laugh or say no, soo I said nothing. We became closer, not very close, but I grew confident when talking with her - but still didn't ask. Graduation day she stunned me - she asked me why I never asked her out... she said she always could tell I liked her, but I never asked her out. She didn't promise me true love or a romantic relationship, but it was apparent she would have gone out on a date with me. The big problem here is that in two weeks she was moving to Colorado (from NJ) to attend college and make her life out there. My loss....

Do what you want to do, but you asked for advice and many here feel you should no longer waste your time. Do it and find out what fate, or the Lord, has in store for you.

[regfootball]

Watch her body language, a lot of women won't say anything, but their bodies doggone sure will. If she seems thoughtful about it, then you've got a chance, if not, then you might have to bide your time. And if she slaps you in your face or laughs at you, then well.....you'll know.

Women have a way of communicating that is very indirect like that. To be able to see what they are 'saying' takes incredible savvy.

I made a funny at work today. The print I sent to the printer had clogged the queue and the light was blinking becuase it wanted it's tray loaded.

I told the guy next to me....'a printer is just like a woman, you can tell something is wrong because they are 'blinking' but they never will just tell you what the heck you need to do to get the light to stop blinking.

[Z-06]

Women have a way of communicating that is very indirect like that. To be able to see what they are 'saying' takes incredible savvy.

I made a funny at work today. The print I sent to the printer had clogged the queue and the light was blinking becuase it wanted it's tray loaded.

I told the guy next to me....'a printer is just like a woman, you can tell something is wrong because they are 'blinking' but they never will just tell you what the heck you need to do to get the light to stop blinking.

[regfootball]

he said to me 'i think you need a trip to the HR office......'

LOL

[Camino LS6]

Just tell her,Z.

You have tact and know how to use it - so go ahead and give it a try.

[toesuf94]

Tell her! There is nothing worse than standing in your garage waxing the car 5 years from now asking yourself what could have been.

Regret is a word that goes many ways: You may regret never knowing, or you may regret hurting the other guy/her. But the worst regret ever is the question never asked.

The words 'What If?' have haunted me for years.

Just my two cents...

[Guest YellowJacket894]

If my input counts, I also say that approaching her with your feelings is your best bet. Find that right moment (don't be too over analytical of that, by the way) and go for it. From what I gather, she isn't locked down into a committed relationship with the other person, so if it was me I would say to hell to the other guy and quit being the roach on the end of the pin needle.

Good luck, Z, when it comes to whatever you decide is right.

[A Horse With No Name]

Tell her! Even if she laughs in your face it is better than being 70 years old and wanting to know..."now what would have happened if..'

Also, if she does say no you will be more emotionally ready to look for another relationship.

Chris

[daves87rs]

I agree with everyone telling you to just go for it.

It worked well for me. I ended up marrying the girl...

If you're afraid to put yourself out there-you'll never really know what you can do...

If you at least put your cards on the table, you can play your hand from there...

If she's understanding, I can't see at least trying.

If she does get serious with this guy, then you may lose your chance anyways...

Go for it man!

Edited June 2, 2007 by daves87rs

[Sixty8panther]

I'm only human... there's been more than one time I've told

someone in a healthy relationship something along the lines

of "if you ever find yourself single..."

It's not always appropriate, it's not often to their (or your)

benefit but sometimes it feels like you'll explode if it is not said.

[Z-06]

Ok Z, here is something from the other side.

I talked to my fiancee regarding your situation (sorry for taking the liberty of doing so). I told her about your options, and what you should do and why?

She asked me to tell you that if you think you are better than the other person, you should go for it. She said that, as a girl, she would respect and admire someone who would show courage to come up and talk to her about their feelings. If your girl was in love with the person with who she is currently with she will say no, but if she is in a relationship because she does not want to be alone, but if thought that you are a better choice than her current, she will definitely go for you. She said, how do you know that the person whom she is with is only because she just wants to find a substitute and just have someone as her partner?

Now we both come from different schools of thoughts, I am analytical and she is rational. Not that I am deriving a line here, may be your girl thinks the same way as my fiancee.

And the other thing on your side is you taught her at the Sunday School or whatever. I have seen that, girls tend to love their good coaches, or teachers, or professors. Your situation is not as bad as you seem it is.

The point of not doing the choice one is that it is the approach with the most fear factor, of not knowing the truth if it goes against you, but it also has a reward of giving you what you want along with your needs (to be with someone). Look at it as the glass half full and you will get the courage of going and saying it. Choice one is probably one with highest amount of reward and failure, so gamble for it in a calculated manner.

[76ChevyTrucker]

Again, I say go for it Z, just like GMTG74 said, I had a crush on a girl all through high school, never said anything to her, always thought that she was going to laugh in my face, I was always good friends with her, always a confidant, someone she could talk to about whatever, but I always did like her. I just didn't have the courage to at the time. Hindsight being 20/20, I should have because I still have the "what ifs" about it. But I can't say that I'm sad about the situation but I definitely should have opened my mouth. Anyway, just tell her! (My wife even agrees with me on this one, tis better to tell her than torture yourself).

[trinacriabob]

Has she ever said she liked you at all and if she did, did she mean it as a friend?

Very, very important, Frank. You have to ascertain the other's motivation. I hate being in that conundrum. Mine have fallen into the blend zone every time, at about a 50:50 mix:

They like me romantically. I like them as a friend.

I like them romantically. They like me as a friend.

Given what you posted initially, I'd say move on. I've never had problems doing that once I finished college at 21 and a half. That way I don't waste time, energy and money.

As companionship becomes more important when you get older, I am finding it a little easier to get on the level playing field lately...as one of my never-married childhood friends (w/o kids !) is in conctact with me again.

[regfootball]

her ever aging uterus is screaming out cries of 'you're almost 40! you're almost 40! bob just got another degree!-$$$$$$$$$'

she found out you dumped architecture and finally decided that made you attractive.

Edited June 3, 2007 by regfootball

[trinacriabob]

bob just got another degree!-$$$$$$$$$'

she found out you dumped architecture and finally decided that made you attractive.

You're a crazy man, Reg! Funny, though, most chicks think architects make money because they see the big buildings and that it produces more income than crunching numbers.

On the uterus comments: nah, she can't have any...and doesn't want any. She knows me too well, I've known her most of my life, and both of her parents are Italian!