Divorce.

[Sixty8panther]

A few months ago things got distant between Marcia & I.

We have been together for almost SIX years, & more

importantly are tied to each other permanantly through

our three year old daughter Sofia.As of this past weekend

she has decided to move on & wants to be with an old

friend and ex. In some #@%$& up way as these things

tend to happenat the exact same time one of my best

friends ever whohappens to also be an ex had her heart

broken.So I went from having a "separation" with Marcia

to what is basically a divorce which made me absolutely

miserable to falling back in love with someone that I ever

really got over. My head is spinning, but the choice is clear.

I need to stop fooling myslef. Marcia is convinced we will

never be happy together and I've finally stopped fighting her.

Julie in the mean time makes me so happy that I feellike a kid

again. She understands me. We went for along drive last

night in my '76 LeSabre and it was like bliss... like we do not

have to speak to know what the other one is thinking. It's

nice to have thatkind of connection. I'm not sure why I

needed to post this but I just want to tell the world.

Edited May 24, 2007 by Sixty8panther

[Flybrian]

Sorry to hear about this, Sly.

Just remember that divorces can be extremely detrimental to a child. Luckily, your daughter is at an age where her education won't be affected by it. I don't know if lucky is the right word for it, but looking back, I consider it very fortunate that if my parents were destined to split apart, it was in between kindergarten and 1st grade. The circumstances were different and probably a lot less amicable than it is in your situation, but by the time it was largely over, I was able to go right into school with a mostly uncluttered mind.

I don't know what you intend to do about custody (and its probably none of our businesses anyway), but please always consider the welfare of your daughter above everything else. The worst thing seperated parents can do is make the child a centerpiece for arguments. Its very harmful and I've seen people go through it.

Most of all, good luck. I hope this is as painless and as amicable as can be for you and your daughter.

[regfootball]

it's good to express happy feelings. I hope the divorce goes smoothly and that you get to still spend plenty of time with Sofia.

[aaaantoine]

I didn't even realize you two were married. If the feeling is mutual, then I guess you have to do what you have to do. Make sure Sofia has equal parts influence from both a male and a female role model. The male role model doesn't have to be you, and the female role model doesn't have to be Marcia. That's all I can say for your situation.

That is to say, neither you nor Marcia have to be a constant member of Sofia's life. For either of you to lose connection with her would be a tragedy.

Edited May 24, 2007 by aaaantoine

[Oracle of Delphi]

Sorry to hear about this, Sly.

Just remember that divorces can be extremely detrimental to a child. Luckily, your daughter is at an age where her education won't be affected by it. I don't know if lucky is the right word for it, but looking back, I consider it very fortunate that if my parents were destined to split apart, it was in between kindergarten and 1st grade. The circumstances were different and probably a lot less amicable than it is in your situation, but by the time it was largely over, I was able to go right into school with a mostly uncluttered mind.

I don't know what you intend to do about custody (and its probably none of our businesses anyway), but please always consider the welfare of your daughter above everything else. The worst thing seperated parents can do is make the child a centerpiece for arguments. Its very harmful and I've seen people go through it.

Most of all, good luck. I hope this is as painless and as amicable as can be for you and your daughter.

Everything Brian said but with one caveat. Just get a dog, they are always happy to see you unlike a wife or GF!

[Delta Force79]

Sorry to hear it sixty, but coming from experience (my parents split up when I was 3) the best thing you two can do for your child as parents, is to put your differences aside at all costs while in front of Sophia. If it means you're deserving of an Oscar for best actor, then so be it. The happier you and Marcia seem to be in front of her, the less she'll feel torn between mom or dad. If you and Marcia can remain friends and keep up social appearances together to help Sofia through this, at least for the next few years until she is old enough to relaize mommy and daddy don't blame her for the split, and she is old enough to understand why you two aren't together. The reason I say this is because the way my parents split was full of hate and disdain for one another, and me being a 3 year old and growing up through that made it very hard to have a "normal" childhood. My dad saw me on weekends, and I lived with my mom. but they were constantly fighting over me and it left me feeling responsible for the split in the first place. I wish you good luck with your new relationship, but you need to stay close to Marcia.

just my 2 cents...

Edited May 25, 2007 by Delta Force79

[Cory Wolfe]

Sorry to hear that... Fly and Delta have good advice.

[mrlizzzard]

On my 4th marriage now and to all of you I must say there's nothing wrong with 2 unhappy people getting happy.My ex's are wonderful and were wonderful but just unhappy as I was.Nothing hurts a kid worse than a fractured family with both mom and dad fighting and miserable.I am not pro divorce but if both parties have given an honest effort and it's not there get a divorce.Get one fast and don't fight over material stuff.Who knows you may get back together again.Marriages are like teeth sometimes they can't be saved.Keep smiling and make amends with your ex as soon as you can.And you all know this,don't criticize anyone mother or father.

all the best,

lizzzard

[NINETY EIGHT REGENCY]

Wow... What can you say.. This tells you what kind of place this is if you can come here and talk about this with others. Many others like you before came here and opened up about one thing or another.

This is something that heals with time. Nothing can change anything but time. Make sure your daughter gets through this okay and take care of yourself.

Be good to each other and do be hateful towards each other. Make it as clean as possible.

There is nothing wrong with going back to an ex just as long as you both have changed and matured and see things with open eyes..

Best of luck to you and your family. Never forget who you are in the process of this change.

[balthazar]

Hang tough, Sly- you've got a good head and a sharp eye; you'll work out the situation to the mutual benefit of everyone involved, I have no doubt. Good luck with your new relationship.

{road trip still on?}

[trinacriabob]

Wow...I'm stunned, S.H. ....I knew something about a "trial separation" but didn't know it would go further or couldn't be fixed.

Two of my closest best friends growing up (a Cuban guy and a Spanish chick, Bronx-born though) both ended up in separate ugly situations. I listened to the whole thing from the sidelines. It made such an impression on me about relationships in which there is procreation that I've never wanted children. Both of them had kids. In both divorces, the kids became pawns. Wrong!

The proof of one's maturity lies in being able to divorce without impacting your kids in a negative way. I know you can probably do that. Unfortunately, many divorces end up acrimoniously and the kids pay. Please pay attention to your daughter and I wish everybody the best outcome.

Also, be careful when on the rebound. Some happen too fast....others NEVER happen. Somewhere in between is better.

[76ChevyTrucker]

Dude, I didn't know about this one, and all I can say is basically a repeat of what's been said above. Keep your head up and keep things cordial between you and Marcia. The most important thing to remember is that Sophia is what is most important to both of you, not your differences. The sooner y'all can work that one out, the better it'll be for her. I know how divorces are, my parents got one when I was about 8 and all I can say is that it hurt like hell and I thought I was the one to blame because every time i was with my mom, it was a game of 20 questions about what I did with my dad. Of course, it didn't last long because my parents saw the error of their ways and got back together, but I know that is a rare ocassion. If you need someone to talk to, I'm sure all of us will listen, and I'll personally keep you and Sophia in my thoughts and prayers throughout this time.

[Camino LS6]

Wise words above - Heed them and take care , my friend.

[daves87rs]

Wise words above - Heed them and take care , my friend.

Agreed.

[ocnblu]

I wish you the best, Sylvester, and I know you'll do the right thing for your little daughter.

[AxelTheRed]

Sorry to hear that, man. All the best.

[Sixty8panther]

Thanks guys. I read every one of your posts and am very much interested

in getting as much 411 as possible so that Sofia will be least effected by all

this craziness.

Aaaa: We're not married on paper, that was in part due to Marcia's innability

to deal with the permanancy of a marrige and also my crappy methods of

asking her. I bought a ring for her and the whole nine-yards a few years

ago but the night I asked her to wear it things got all screwed up.

I call it a divorce because in the end that's what it is. We've been living

together for five years and we have a child... it's basically a common-law

marrige by the definition.

Sofia has been the only reason why the hostility & anger (esp. on my part)

stopped in the last few days. We are seeking help from a concelor about

how to best make it amicable & healthy for HER sake. This whole thing blind

sighted me. I did not see it coming at all, but I really should have.

Julie has entered my life as if almost by fate. The timing of everything is

absolutely incredible. For a while we were two ships passing eachother in the

night, now we have both run aground in the SAME sand bar at the exact time.

Thanks again guys, your insight is useful. I have little experience with such

things... my parents have their faults but they have never been appart.

[Sixty8panther]

Oh yes... and to answer your question Balthazar: YES.

Now more than EVER I need to take this roadtrip...

for my own sanity. I need to be selfish for a week and

get away from it all.

Last night I was going down School St. in Lowell and

went through a green light in the '59 Buick right as I

entered the Mammoth Road Bridge. At the last possible

second a white Ford F350 cut me off when he refused

to yield WHAT-SO-FU$%ING-EVER.

I was going probably 45mph (dowhill) and he cut me

off so damn bad that I locked up my brakes & just

braced for impact. The skid marks are still there,

probably about 25-30 feet of them... at the last

second the retard slamed on his brakes, I released

mine and sliped like a wet cod between his front

bumper and a telephone pole, it was honestly

miraculous that I did not smash up the car and rip

that freekin bumper & driver's wheel right off his

stupid assed truck. Liberal use of the horn was

involved.

How in the fu*#ing hell he did not see my WHITE

B-59 in a straight intersection with NO obstruction

I will never understand. Retard.

Anyway the point of that story is that every time

I drive that thing it's a gamble, so screw it, why

not take it to Tulsa? it's a once in a lifetime event.

[76ChevyTrucker]

A little selfishness is all right, especially when it comes to relieving the stress of an event like this, so I don't blame ya for still wanting to take it. Just remember, where all pretty well here for ya.

[the_yellow_dart]

Thanks guys. I read every one of your posts and am very much interested

in getting as much 411 as possible so that Sofia will be least effected by all

this craziness.

Aaaa: We're not married on paper, that was in part due to Marcia's innability

to deal with the permanancy of a marrige and also my crappy methods of

asking her. I bought a ring for her and the whole nine-yards a few years

ago but the night I asked her to wear it things got all screwed up.

I call it a divorce because in the end that's what it is. We've been living

together for five years and we have a child... it's basically a common-law

marrige by the definition.

Sofia has been the only reason why the hostility & anger (esp. on my part)

stopped in the last few days. We are seeking help from a concelor about

how to best make it amicable & healthy for HER sake. This whole thing blind

sighted me. I did not see it coming at all, but I really should have.

Julie has entered my life as if almost by fate. The timing of everything is

absolutely incredible. For a while we were two ships passing eachother in the

night, now we have both run aground in the SAME sand bar at the exact time.

Thanks again guys, your insight is useful. I have little experience with such

things... my parents have their faults but they have never been appart.

You are already doing the right thing by splitting up. One of my

ex-girlfriends in high school had parents who hated each other. They

"stayed together for the kids" and that was the worst decision they could

have ever made. Older daughter (my ex) got the brunt of both parents fighting

over parenting styles and basically ended up feeling like a pawn and very

unloved. Younger daughter got the opposite reaction, because they were

scared of scarring her for life as well. She turned into a bit of a valley girl

and spoiled brat. Neither is an ideal child rearing situation or an ideal

adult as a result.

Despite all her faults though, I still keep in touch with her and have some

feelings for her. She's currently living for a few years in Ireland. We'll have

to see what happens when she comes back.

[Intrepidation]

Wow, how the hell does a person not notice a huge, white and chrome classic car on the road?

Glad you and the car are OK. As for the divorce, I'm sorry to hear it man, best of luck, just be happy and make sure your daughter is well taken care of.

[trinacriabob]

had parents who hated each other. They "stayed together for the kids" and that was the worst decision they could have ever made.

TYD, very European + one or two generations back. That was/is the approach. My parents would have NEVER split up because of 1) the kids, and 2) 'what would everyone say?' given where they come from.

But, their marriage (Dad is deceased) worked OK. Dad was more than happy to wear both pant legs..and then some...and Mom was more than happy to have decisions made for her. Now that my Dad is no longer around, her sons make all her decisions for her...I feel like a babysitter sometimes.

Sometimes it's better to stay together. Sometimes it's better to split. My Dad told me there is no reason in the world to tolerate some chick who is out of control and that the Catholic church can go take a hike since the priests aren't going to be the ones living with her.

Edited May 25, 2007 by trinacriabob

[A Horse With No Name]

Hell, the offer for lunch is still on. Not often I get to even see a car like the B-59.

Things will work themselves out. Trust yourself on knowing who the love of your life is. It hasn't been easy but I have been with Kim for 22 years now and I knew from the moment I met her that she was very, very special.

Besides, this gives you an excuse to buy one more car for the stable because your on the rebound. You have Cadillac, Buick, Olds and Chevy covered (with the 68 Camaro) Methinks you need a Pontiac also.

Chris

[FUTURE_OF_GM]

I really hate to hear about a marriage breaking up, but for the sake of Sofia, you must go your seperate ways if you are unhappy.

Any psychologist will tell you that it often isn't the divorce itself that harms the children, but rather the conflict and turmoil that the child is exposed to. Eventhough Sofia is pretty young it could still cause problems if you and your wife fight infront of her or fight over her.

I'm living proof of this because my parents basically went through a divorce, but never divorced. Except, they did it when I was a teenager so it REALLY affected me. The fighting was constant, I always had to take sides and I had no one to go to (since I'm an only child) I pretty much watched everything that I loved fall apart right in front of me.

I'll spare you the details, but it was not a good experience and I still feel the effects to this day.

So whatever you do, whatever differences you have, you MUST protect your child.

[trinacriabob]

I'm living proof of this because my parents basically went through a divorce, but never divorced. Except, they did it when I was a teenager so it REALLY affected me. The fighting was constant, I always had to take sides and I had no one to go to (since I'm an only child) I pretty much watched everything that I loved fall apart right in front of me.

I'll spare you the details, but it was not a good experience and I still feel the effects to this day.

I know what you mean. I had some friends in very similar circumstances growing up. The parents didn't split up on paper, but the effect was the same. They were very hurt by all the goings-on.

[CARBIZ]

My family has a divorce lawyer on retainer! My mother has been married 3 times - always to her husband's best friend. My aunt (her sister), ditto. My grandmother made it to #4 before she passed away - the first two were to her husband (at the time) best friend!

My childhood sucked, but I will give my mother credit: despite a nasty divorce ( l later read transcripts from the divorce and letters ferried between my "father," and my mother before the divorce), she kept it away from us. She was bitter and both were heaping abuse on each other, but after the separation, I was unaware of how ugly it was. Kudos to her.

Beware of separation anxiety. I ever saw my father for 4 years (we moved to Vancouver) when I was 6 and as a consequence, I put my father on a pedestal. That must really have grated on my mother, too, but she never said a disparaging word. Later, when I moved in with my father and I realized it takes TWO for a divorce, I understood better what she had gone through - and spared us.

Good luck to you both, and remember my motto which helps me through bad times: In five years, you will look back on these trials and smile.

[Sixty8panther]

Wow...

I guess I've opened up quite a can of worms here.

For the record Marcia and I have been fighting a

lot less as of the past few days while Julie & I are

doing great. Having her by my side (or just a text

message away) has made all the differace.

It's both the end of the road and the start of a new

jouorney at the same time.