OH #@(%

[the_yellow_dart]

So... I got a call on my cell phone on my way home from work today. It made me pull over - the first time I've ever had to.

First, a little background. Some of you may remember, I went to China in late April / early May. While there, I picked up a girl in Beijing named Fei Fei (yes, you say it like the dogs name, let the jokes commence). She was really into me as I left for Nanjing. She came with my friends and I to the train station and everything. I've never seen a girl so torn up over a one night stand before. Different cultures, different reactions, I guess. So, she gave me her phone number, since I'd be on my way through Beijing on my last night there before flying back to Toronto. She had given me her necklace, which had a picture of her in it - so while in Hong Kong I went to the Jade Market to get her a 'replacement'. I figured it was only fair. I called her before I got on the flight, and found out she was still stuck in Shanghai on business and we wouldn't be able to see each other. So, when I got back to Beijing I figured I might as well leave her the necklace anyways. So I went into the store she worked in and got an envelope and paper, and left her a little note saying goodbye with my phone number. She had mentioned taking a trip to Toronto, so I thought hey- it would be nice to see her again.

With that, I left China, and I've been back for almost 4 months now. So, I get this phone call today. Broken Chinese-accented English. It takes me a minute to get used to, then I can understand. It's Fei Fei's cousin who speaks (moderate) English. He is calling me for her. He tells me that she is...

Pregnant.

He tells me that she isn't coming to Canada, and doesn't want any help. She just wanted me to know. She will raise the baby with her parents. They'll call me to let me know more.

Holy.

F(*&ing.

S^$t.

I used a condom each time. I thought they all worked, I didn't notice any rips.

At least she's not trying to get anything from me.

I don't know what to think... who to tell...

How can I ever tell my parents that they have a grandkid they'll probably never see?

I have such a stomachache right now from stress - I'm just trying not to freak out.

Any advice?

[NOS2006]

You're how old? And not married (I hope), right?

I just really don't know what to say. I'm sorry.. Damn.

[the_yellow_dart]

I'm 23, and single. I would never cheat on a girlfriend, nevermind wife...

[NOS2006]

I would never cheat on a girlfriend, nevermind wife...

186560[/snapback]

Same here.. it's good to hear that from other people. Imagine yourself in that position though..

[the_yellow_dart]

Thanks for the laugh NOS. I needed that.

For now, I'm going over to my friend's place. He might be able to help me out a bit.

I'll still appreciate everyone's advice here when I come back. Thanks to everyone for being such a community that I can bring things like this.

[razoredge]

I shouldnt comment, because everyone will say "oh it figures, hes such and ass h"

Dude it sounds like a set up to me. Crying after one night ? Well that happened with my first girlfriend and she was 15, I was 17............We did have a lasting simi distant relationship afterward though, lasted a bit over a year......on and off, but we were kids.

Id be suspicious about that crying the first night thing. What did she like ? the fact that you were from America...........the answer to all foreigners dreams. Do you have any idea how many girls get over here from Asia as mail order brides ? They usually last less than a year........... Love at first flight..........to America

I could also be very wrong. My cousin did marry a Phillipean girl he meet in Guam. Their two boys are now teenagers and as far as I know the relationship has been great.

Also, The girl I am with now, whom is the mother of my 17 year old daughter...........well, lets just say nothing was planned.........at least by me..........and I was not that serious either.............It winds up being she and my daughter are the best thing that ever happened to me. It did not however happen on the first night...........and the letter I recieved way back then read almost exactly like your phone call.................exactly...............

Id be suspicious, this happens all the time

Edited August 29, 2006 by razoredge

[ocnblu]

She may not even know what a condom is. I'd say if you used a condom every second your member was in her vagina, you're safe. She knows you used them?

I will have to side with those who are not convinced. I sincerely hope this situation comes to a settling conclusion... it would be forever tugging at you if it is left this way.

[the_yellow_dart]

Hmmm... never really thought of it as a setup. She said she didn't want anything...

As far as the condoms go - yes, she definately knows what they are, and that I used them. She's the one who pointed out where I could buy some. I've heard of condoms breaking before - and pregnancies resulting. I just thought I would notice if this had happened. Mind you the first time was in the dark.

[Camino LS6]

I'd say that you have some investigating and some soul-searching to do.

You can't proceed without more information and an honest grip on what you really feel about this.

[Sixty8panther]

Talk about dropping a BOMB on you... Geezus.

I'm thinknig you shoud get a paternity test either way.

[Croc]

It does NOT matter whether or not she is asking for anything now...you are f@#king yourself for the future cuz she might change her tune. DEMAND A DNA TEST as soon as possible. Condoms have 99.9% accuracy when used properly. So chances are it isn't yours. Stay emotionally detached during this time up until you are told through a paternity test that you ARE the father so you don't let emotions cloud your decision and you fall victim to a scam. Not to be cynical, but you kinda have to be. Good luck.

[Flybrian]

I also would wait more more unequivocal information before doing anything either way.

[the_yellow_dart]

It does NOT matter whether or not she is asking for anything now...you are f@#king yourself for the future cuz she might change her tune.  DEMAND A DNA TEST as soon as possible.  Condoms have 99.9% accuracy when used properly.  So chances are it isn't yours.  Stay emotionally detached during this time up until you are told through a paternity test that you ARE the father so you don't let emotions cloud your decision and you fall victim to a scam.  Not to be cynical, but you kinda have to be.  Good luck.

186686[/snapback]

I also would wait more more unequivocal information before doing anything either way.

186688[/snapback]

I hear both of you.

...but how am I supposed to do a DNA test when she's in China and I'm in Canada?

[Flybrian]

Well, if I get this correctly, you heard it from her cousin. I would definitely want to speak with her about this at some point, granted right now may not be the ideal time, but you should speak with her.

The natural question in this situation is obviously, "are you sure its mine?" Make sure she knows you mean nothing by it, simply that this is a very weighty issue and you'd like to be absolutely sure if it is your child.

Honestly, I'm not sure what you should do after that because I have no idea what I would do. That's something for you to decide.

Good luck regardless of what turns out.

[capriceman]

estimate times. see how far along she is or wait untill birth subtract 9 months and that should give you a ball park. to see if further idenification is needed.

Edited August 30, 2006 by capriceman

[daves87rs]

Still sounds fishy to me..

could it be an excuse for you go back?

It could be an excuse to see you again....

Like Fly said-I would wait for more info

[the_yellow_dart]

There's no way I can afford to go back unless her family wants to pay for that. I don't think I would go even then - but I would have to think about it.

...and Fly, the reason I didn't talk to her on the phone is she speaks very very little English. Even with a Mandarin<->English book between us and body language, I still didn't know what she was trying to say sometimes. So, I don't think a phone call would work - at all.

[regfootball]

DEMAND A DNA TEST as soon as possible.

186686[/snapback]

i think that's the best course of action, regardless of emotions right now.

could there be a function of your government that could assist with this?

Edited August 30, 2006 by regfootball

[the_yellow_dart]

i think that's the best course of action, regardless of emotions right now.

could there be a function of your government that could assist with this?

186718[/snapback]

Unless I'm missing something, don't I have to wait until it's born before this is possible??

Also - won't it be kind of obvious? I mean, she'd never been with a white guy before. So - if the baby is white (unlikely) then the questions will begin.

[Cremazie]

Are you sure it was not a novelty condom? I have heard of that novelty condoms don't have to be protective because they are not meant for use. I just hope that everything works out well!

[91z4me]

Unless I'm missing something, don't I have to wait until it's born before this is possible??

Also - won't it be kind of obvious? I mean, she'd never been with a white guy before. So - if the baby is white (unlikely) then the questions will begin.

186735[/snapback]

A DNA test can be performed in utero. But the baby needs to be at least a few months old. A small sample of amniotic fluid is taken and there are skin cells that have fallen off the fetus while in the womb in the fluid. The DNA in there is compared to the mother's and the father's. They compare it to the mother's to be sure it isn't just her cells in the sample.

When did the conception possibly occur? And when did you get the call?

[Cory Wolfe]

Yikes. I'm sorry to hear that. But just think... If you would have gone gay...........

[Turbojett]

I'm with croc on this one.

[ZL-1]

I'm with croc on this one.

186778[/snapback]

Me too.

the_yellow_dart, I know it's much easier said than done, but you must try and keep some emotional detachment, at least until you get her to do a DNA test to know if the baby is yours. For your own sake and weel-being.

[the_yellow_dart]

zl-1, croc: I have emotional detachment. Trust me.

I mean, she was a nice girl and all, but she doesn't even speak much English. How could I pretend like that was a good choice to have a child with?

91z4me: If there is a baby, it would have been concieved April 25. I got the call yesterday.

cremazie: It was a Western brand condom, I can't remember for sure, but I think it was Durex.

[Dragon]

Sounds fishy to me too. This is the second story I’ve heard this summer about a guy from TO who went to Asia and got a call months later saying the chick they hooked up with is pregnant, but “doesn’t want any help”. Any money somewhere down the road, she changes her mind and wants help, of the financial and immigration variety.

If you do decide to do something, make sure it is yours first.

And just for reference, condoms don’t always work and just because you can’t see a rip, doesn’t mean there isn’t one.

[staceface]

Poor Dart - you must be soooo stressed!

You could always call and tell her you would like a DNA test, and that if the baby is determined to be yours you will be starting court proceedings to gain custody and will raise the child here. You'd just be bringing the child - not her. That bluff may bring out a little more info, or cause her to back off completely if she's scamming you. The important part is to not admit anything, not to send money, nothing that might come back to implicate you later. Good Luck - keep us posted!

Edited August 30, 2006 by staceface

[91z4me]

91z4me: If there is a baby, it would have been concieved April 25. I got the call yesterday.

186824[/snapback]

DNA test could be done now with no problem. She goes to a clinic and they take the sample and then you send your sample to the same place. A month or so later and you can be cleared or start preparing to be a daddy. Tell her you will pay for it, shouldn't be more than $400, and have her find a place to do the test. Best of luck.

[the_yellow_dart]

Update: Took everyone's advice and called back. Got her cousin, since that's who called. (Thank god)

I told him I wanted a test done. He said that was a good idea. He told me the test was "covered" (By her parents? The government? I dunno...) and that I needed to send him a cheek smear DNA sample. Got her clinic's address after much back-and-forth, and left it at that. So I went out at lunch and found a clinic, and asked them for a sterile swab. I got it all nice a goobered up and wrapped it in some plastic. It's sitting here on my desk, waiting to be mailed to Beijing when I leave work.

Godspeed little q-tip. You're my only hope.

[Dragon]

You know the situation better than us, but I wouldn’t trust them to do the test. I’d have them send some DNA over here and shell out for my own test.

[Drew Dowdell]

Update: Took everyone's advice and called back. Got her cousin, since that's who called. (Thank god)

I told him I wanted a test done. He said that was a good idea. He told me the test was "covered" (By her parents? The government? I dunno...) and that I needed to send him a cheek smear DNA sample. Got her clinic's address after much back-and-forth, and left it at that. So I went out at lunch and found a clinic, and asked them for a sterile swab. I got it all nice a goobered up and wrapped it in some plastic. It's sitting here on my desk, waiting to be mailed to Beijing when I leave work.

Godspeed little q-tip. You're my only hope.

186957[/snapback]

can you independently contact the clinic? I would

[mrmonte]

Not to butt in but if it broke you would definately know . It obviously dosent break or puncture like a tire. When it breaks, it breaks there is a mess and you know it.

[sciguy_0504]

If it's a girl, she probably won't be pregnant for long.

[ocnblu]

sciguy, if I may clarify for you, you meant if the baby is a girl, correct? I heard that the Chinese government is trying to curb the population through all sorts of means. Maybe she got pregnant, but knows she will be under pressure to abort... UNLESS a foreigner can be blamed for her condition. She gets you to help her emigrate, and voila, she's living in Canada with her baby, of unclear paternity...

Yes, make sure you can independently contact that clinic.

"NEXT, on As the Gears Turn..."

Edited August 30, 2006 by ocnblu

[Dragon]

If it's a girl, she probably won't be pregnant for long.

187037[/snapback]

well it would be pretty tough to get a boy pregnant

[NOS2006]

well it would be pretty tough to get a boy pregnant 

187064[/snapback]

What he means is that if the baby is a girl, Fei Fei may end up getting an abortion..

[ocnblu]

You guys just keep on trying though, don'tcha? :AH-HA_wink:

[Dragon]

What he means is that if the baby is a girl, Fei Fei may end up getting an abortion..

187067[/snapback]

my joke > +++

your head> O

Edited August 30, 2006 by Dragon

[NOS2006]

my joke > +++

your head> O

187072[/snapback]

Well I got what you were saying, but wasn't sure if it was a joke or not.. even with the smilie.

[trinacriabob]

I think I'm full of caveats for you:

- don't be dealing with a clinic you don't know and people you don't really know for something like this...I just don't know

- don't be setting foot in China for a while

- I seriously don't think the condom broke; thus, you did not cause the pregnancy.

Don't be so cooperative. Something just doesn't seem right.

[the_yellow_dart]

I have the number of the clinic...

What's the harm in being cooperative?

The whole girl-killing thing doesn't really happen anymore - they just put them up for adoption. All those babies people are adopting from China are almost exclusively girls.

On my plane ride back from Beijing there were at least 15 Chinese babies heading home with white or black families - and every single baby was a girl.

[the_yellow_dart]

I forgot to update - I sent the box Fedex. They had a shipment almost ready to go to the airport, and a plane leaving shortly after that. Good timing. So, it's already on its way, making the 13 hour flight. Man that flight sucked.

[FAPTurbo]

Wow...

It'll likely be hard dealing with the family, not just with their not speaking English or vice versa, but also their culture is still very different. I'd be worried if she feels any sense of shame from this, or her family are giving her a hard time.

If it were here, chances are the Maury or Jerry Springer shows would've been jamming up your phone line.

As for sending off to the clinic, that's a good idea, but I wonder if it's possible to get a second opinion? You never know. They COULD just be "banking" on your guilt. Maybe a clinic your way could help do a test later, providing she concurs. If she doesn't, then I'd be even more suspicious.

Maybe even heading out there again could help solve it? I know it'll be expensive, but would it be more expensive paying for the trip and finding out it's not yours, or being guilty and shelling out money until you realize you've been duped?

Hope this situation turns out well.

[trinacriabob]

IOn my plane ride back from Beijing there were at least 15 Chinese babies heading home with white or black families - and every single baby was a girl.

187116[/snapback]

Unbelievable. Sad.

I guess what I mean is that, if you have no bonding whatsoever with this chick, keeping the distance is not such a bad idea since I think there is no enforceability between Canada and China for "impregnation." And, if this child is yours (which I don't think it is and if they say it is, you may want to take more secure methods (North American) to ascertain this on your turf), then you know it will probably be put up for adoption.

[zhawk]

My 2 cents and take it for what it is worth.

You have to be very cautious about this. You've sent of your sample for a DNA test but I would definately want a second opinion if it comes back that you are the father. There are so many scams going on and you don't want to be another victim.

I am sorry if this next statement sounds cruel. You say that the young woman is a nice girl but she did sleep with a man she did not know and did not really speak the same language as. You had a translation dictionary to use so you could converse and as you said, not everything was understood. She knew where to buy condoms and it seems did not have a problem helping you find them. Look at all of that objectively and this whole thing smells like a setup.

You say she was never with a white man before but how can you know this is true? From the amount of time you had together you could not truly know her.

Be very careful. If you are the father then you alone can make any decisions regarding the child. I agree that your offer should be to bring the child over and raise it but not take responsibility for the woman. Too many relationships fall apart even with people who have know each other a long time.

Good luck with this.

[the_yellow_dart]

Just for everyone's clarification - While I am truly interested to hear what the clinic has to say, I will by no means take it as a final word.

If it is "mine" according to them, I will need other proof. Who knows if she knows somebody at this clinic? If it is still deemed mine, then I shall see what level of support they ask for. There is no way she is coming here. I simply could not afford to support her, and trying to teach a girl English at 24 would be a bloody nightmare.

[Dragon]

I have the number of the clinic...

What's the harm in being cooperative?

The whole girl-killing thing doesn't really happen anymore - they just put them up for adoption. All those babies people are adopting from China are almost exclusively girls.

On my plane ride back from Beijing there were at least 15 Chinese babies heading home with white or black families - and every single baby was a girl.

187116[/snapback]

I don’t see a problem with being cooperative, but I wouldn’t be trusting. Get another independent lab to do another test. For all you know, the girls cousin could work at the DNA lab and could fix the results

[Drew Dowdell]

well it would be pretty tough to get a boy pregnant 

187064[/snapback]

I've tried...

[NOS2006]

I've tried...

187366[/snapback]

TMI!

[Turbojett]

I've tried...

187366[/snapback]

Edited August 31, 2006 by Turbojett