The Great GM Drama

[tama z71]

The Great GM Drama

A Tama Editorial/Fictionalization

July 19, 2006

Well, it has been quite the eventful few weeks around here, hasn't it? What with the recent attempts by Japan Inc. to plant their flag in GM before each other, and the requisite media sheepery that follows, I thought I would do my part and offer my own view of the Great GM Drama, in typical smartass style.

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Letter, from Nissan-Renault CEO Carlos Ghosn to General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner. June 30, 2006

Dear Richard,

Hello! I was just on my way back to Japan after single-handedly rescuing the entire third grade of a burning elementary school in France, and I thought I'd get in touch.

So, how are things at GM? I understand you’re in the midst of a company-wide turn-around. How's that going? I did one of those myself, you know. Two, in fact.

Things are going well here. Since authoring "The Greatest Corporate Turn-Around in Automotive History" (I still get the giggles when I say that to myself), I've been keeping myself quite busy. I've got two companies to run, you know!

A lot of people have praised me since "The Greatest Corporate Turn-Around in Automotive History" (hehe!), but I try not to let it go to my head. In fact, I think I'm ready to take on a third company.

Not to talk down on your work thus far, but I think I can pull your company together where you have previously failed to. With that said, I'm afraid I cannot accept "a passive merger."

Well, I should be going. I'm due to break ground on a Vietnamese Orphanage/AIDS Research Center in an hour, and I certainly wouldn't want to keep Mr. Kerkorian waiting!

Cheers,

Carlos Ghosn.

P.S. - If you need tips on how to tighten up your company, consult my autobiography. I wrote it while housing displaced victims of Hurricane Katrina. It's a real page-turner!

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Private teleconference between Tracinda Chairman Kirk Kerkorian and henchman Jerome York. June 29, 2006

York: Good morning, Mr. Kerkorian.

Kerkorian: Good money!

York: Sir, I must first say that I've grown tired of waiting on the GM board to make a move. They don't have the balls to move that damn company anywhere!

Kerkorian: mmm, money!

York: Yes, sir. But they still have faith in Jowly McDrawls, and he will absolutely refuse to cut any of the brands. I've become very impatient with the whole situation, frankly.

Kerkorian: MONEY! MONEY!!

York: Indeed, sir. At the current rate, they will sacrifice no more than a few models, never mind whole brands. Your investment may not show a return if things continue as they are.

Kerkorian: money?

York: No, sir. We cannot continue at this pace. I recommend that you use your sizable stake to call in a ringer. Perhaps the Ghosn boy?

Kerkorian: MONEY! MONEEEY!

York: Excellent plan, sir. I will contact Ghosn immediately, put out a press release, and let “Dick” Wagoner know what we intend to do.

Kerkorian: (chuckles raggedly)… money!! moneymoneymoneymoneymoney!!!

York: Yes sir, it was a clever play on words, wasn’t it?

Kerkorian: money.

York: Understood, sir. We are all set. I will call you again tomorrow morning.

Kerkorian: (mumbles inaudibly)

York: Yes, sir. Goodbye, sir.

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14th Floor meeting, GM Renaissance Center, Michigan. July 1st, 2006

Wagoner: Well gentlemen, we appear to have a few potential partners on our hands. Until I can fully investigate the situation, I prefer to remain neutral in my speculation on the proposed partnership. While the benefits of such a merger may deem an undertaking of this size acceptable, I must first weigh the possible negatives in light of our current transition plan. Given a month to think on the situation, I will meet with Mr. Ghosn on the matter, so as to be sure that all parties share the same goals, the same ideas, and the same paths. Until then, I will keep an open mind and open arms to all ideas that will ultimately make GM a stronger, better American company. Bob?

Lutz: This is bulls**t!

Wagoner: Thank you, Bob. See you gentlemen at lunch.

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Toyota internal memo, from CEO Katsuaki Watanabe to NA President Jim Press. July 17th, 2006

Attn: Jim Press

Subj: World Domination

It seems that our lesser rivals wish to claim a piece of the American company. To maintain superiority, Toyota will propose interest in a 50 percent stock assumption. I do not wish to let the spoils of the giant fall into the hands of others. You know what to do.

Attn: Katsuaki Watanabe

Resp: World Domination

Toyota will continue it’s investment into the American landscape by proposing an equal cooperation of resources and products with General Motors. The merger is just one piece in Toyota’s effort to continue creating jobs for Americans while preserving those that already exist. It’s just another way that we are moving forward.

Will that press release prove satisfactory to you, sir?

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Well, that’s how one smartass views this debacle. If anyone really cares about preserving what little pride American manufacturing has left, then we all ought to be thoroughly embarrassed at the garage sale that Japan Inc. has made of GM.

If this mess continues in true fashion, we can expect Honda to make a proposal three years from now that is built on a minivan platform and has an in-bed trunk. Ford will mention interest in a merger by 2010, once someone offers to buy part of them. Also, look for the sub-standard media-debauchery to follow these shenanigans to their apex.

Sit back, relax, and put yourself in a mood to laugh. We’re all in for one hell of a show.

[MRDETROITMETAL]

Excelent post !!....but here's an internal memo I found while surfing thru GM sites ;

From: Bob "No Mo BS" Lutz

Open Memo to ALL GM employees, stockholders and kids in America;

When will the rest of the World learn ?...GM does NOT need thier ideas.

If they coulda built a CORVETTE, and filtered the technology and design into every car they make, they'da done it already, fact is they got BUTTKISS !

I have enough good ones set to hit the streets NOW, to bury them ALL !l

So, if the "frog" wants to "buy in" on a good deal, I dont blame him, and we'll be happy to slap a GM logo on that Renault F1 car too. Jeff Gordon has been calling me EVERY day asking when he can take over the seat from the departing Alanso, so it's ALL GOOD.

Peace out, I gotta go test drive the new 600HP CORVETTE...@ LeMans !!!!!

BOB

Edited July 19, 2006 by MRDETROITMETAL

[tama z71]

tama... don't be mad.  Your above response has now tainted my enthusiasm for your excellent original post.  But I still love it.

168909[/snapback]

taken care of

[carstar]

The Great GM Drama

A Tama Editorial/Fictionalization

July 19, 2006

So, how are things at GM? I understand you’re in the midst of a company-wide turn-around. How's that going? I did one of those myself, you know. Two, in fact.

Things are going well here. Since authoring "The Greatest Corporate Turn-Around in Automotive History" (I still get the giggles when I say that to myself), I've been keeping myself quite busy. I've got two companies to run, you know!

FYI Gm has 7 or 8 companies under it's roof. that means more and more work to do.

[Drew Dowdell]

Kirk and I speak the same language.