So My Boyfriend Is Moving In.......

[Chris_Doane]

Well...I certainly wont claim to know what your relationship with him is like...but....

You want your 26 year old boyfriend to move in after 5-6 dates/visits? That....does not really sound like a good idea. Not yet anyway. Methinks you're too caught up in it.

[Drew Dowdell]

Well...I certainly wont claim to know what your relationship with him is like...but....

You want your 26 year old boyfriend to move in after 5-6 dates/visits? That....does not really sound like a good idea. Not yet anyway. Methinks you're too caught up in it.

.

[The O.C.]

Well...I certainly wont claim to know what your relationship with him is like...but....

You want your 26 year old boyfriend to move in after 5-6 dates/visits? That....does not really sound like a good idea. Not yet anyway. Methinks you're too caught up in it.

You know.....normally....I'd totally agree with you.

You guys don't know me on a personal level, but let me tell you that I am just about one of the most rational/reasonable guys out there......not prone to making "rash" decisions.

But that being said, for some reason, this just feels different. I can't explain it, so it's hard for me to justify it to you guys or even myself other than to "go with my gut." It's tough to explain the very close connection he and I have built since the beginning of November.....yes....even with only six visits together (although we talk numerous times, every day.)

I guess I look at it this way.......we are never going to grow this relationship to a higher level with him up there and me down here. We all know what long-distance relationships can be like....especially when they START as a long-distance relationship. It happens to be a time in his life when he's in a great position to move. Doesn't have anything tying him down up there. AND he's always said that he's considered moving to SoCal for many years even before we met......he grew up in NorCal and it's time in his life to move on and start anew.

Maybe if things were different, we'd do it slower.....but sometimes you have to go with the options that fate gives you. At least this is a great opportunity for us to explore our relationship on a level that we've not had a chance to do. We've both had numerous intelligent conversations over the phone about this....and I think we both know what we are getting into....and the challenges that will arise.

But there's also a lot to look forward to in being with each other......

And you know what? God forbid it doesn't work out......I haven't sacrificed anything other than some emotional hurt.

(edit: btw....I didn't push this at all. But I always left him an "open door." He's the one that decided to step through it.....and I welcomed him.)

Edited March 2, 2008 by The O.C.

[The O.C.]

You have heard of the term "Blinded by Love!", maybe your friends just see things at this point, that you won't or actually can't see. If they are good, close, friends, I wouldn't just dismiss their concerns out of hand, I would sit down with each of them and try to work though their concerns, just maybe you and your friends might see some common ground to move on from, after all if they are good, close friends, they should only have your best interest at heart.

Well, they all saw what happened to me as a result of my last relationship.....and I'm sure they are just worried for me and don't want to see me make the same mistakes.

When it gets all down to it, they are all supportive......but just very vocal with their concerns. They like Joe....(the ones that have met him).....and each of them made me sure that they will welcome him into our friendships....

They are just being SO overly cautious....

[The O.C.]

Could it be they're just jealous... don't want to see you happy, etc., or is there something to their claims? You should be able to tell.

Nah they're not like that.

[deftonesfan867]

O.C. I think your friends here and where you live just want nothing more than you to be happy, so you do what it takes man. I'm sure your friends are just worried about you getting hurt again. I know because I've been told to not be in a long distance relationship because it wont last and yadda yadda yadda, but hey were both happy, and I'll be there someday soon so that's all that matters in the end

As for you YJ, all I can say is that the $h! she pulls is uncalled for. NEVER, and I mean NEVER let the person you're with play guilt trips. She sounds like she alot of $h! she needs to deal with, and man it's bringing you down. Relationships are NOT supposed to make you feel miserable. If it does, then it's not worth being with the person. Love should be unconditional and not something that's only there to the person if you let them get away with certain stuff.

Edited March 2, 2008 by deftonesfan867

[jcgable]

The primary thing to worry about is how your styles of living work together. It is one thing to simply spend a weekend together, but it is a whole different matter to build an entire lifestyle together. People have different habits, pet peeves, routines, etc. that don't always work together-regardless of how much chemistry there is. I would honestly consider having him spend a 1-2 week period with you just to be sure that you two are comfortable in the situation. If things go well after two weeks, then that bodes really well. If not, then you two can pull back, evaluate the situation, date further and slowly move back into the position of him moving in.

Just remember, when you live with someone there are certain concessions you should make and other ones that you shouldn't. Only you know where that line is-but it would be wise for you to consider what things you are willing to give up, and what things you aren't. That will help you to determine how living with him will work!

-J

Edited March 2, 2008 by jcgable

[Blake Noble]

As for you YJ, all I can say is that the $h! she pulls is uncalled for. NEVER, and I mean NEVER let the person you're with play guilt trips. She sounds like she alot of $h! she needs to deal with, and man it's bringing you down. Relationships are NOT supposed to make you feel miserable. If it does, then it's not worth being with the person. Love should be unconditional and not something that's only there to the person if you let them get away with certain stuff.

Next time we get into our same old BS I'm going to let her know that last bit of info you just gave me. Thanks, 'Tones.

[The O.C.]

The primary thing to worry about is how your styles of living work together. It is one thing to simply spend a weekend together, but it is a whole different matter to build an entire lifestyle together. People have different habits, pet peeves, routines, etc. that don't always work together-regardless of how much chemistry there is. I would honestly consider having him spend a 1-2 week period with you just to be sure that you two are comfortable in the situation. If things go well after two weeks, then that bodes really well. If not, then you two can pull back, evaluate the situation, date further and slowly move back into the position of him moving in.

Just remember, when you live with someone there are certain concessions you should make and other ones that you shouldn't. Only you know where that line is-but it would be wise for you to consider what things you are willing to give up, and what things you aren't. That will help you to determine how living with him will work!

-J

Absolutely.

We are taking this slowly. He's coming down here on the 13th and will probably spend a few weeks down here before we figure out what to do about bringing down the rest of his stuff......

[jcgable]

DAMN.....not to drag my own thread on.....but was over at my friends' house last night and both of them were telling me not to let him move down....and how much of a mistake it would be.....and to "cut it off" right now.

My best friend on last Thursday said he also didn't think it was a good thing.....and that he's worried about me.....

Why is everyone so down on this? Especially when they all know how much I care about him? Everyone thinks he's "working" me and "using" me.....that's everyone's overriding feeling.

I guess I figure that THIS time I'm in the driver's seat.....I'm not giving up anything to let him move down and see if this will work. It's not like with my ex when I sold my house and bought one together with him and THEN it all went to hell-and-a-handbasket. This time, I can try to do this right and not make the same mistakes I did last time.

He certainly doesn't ACT like he's just "working" me or "using" me. But true love is SO tough to find these days......how can you not pass up the opportunity to be with the person you care so much for? This, I think, is a perfect way to find out just where our relationship is going to end up going.

And if it doesn't work out, or I find out he had alterior motives, I've lost nothing.....except my heart.....but anytime you go into a relationship and fall in love, you always risk a bit of emotional hurt

Something to consider: True love isn't hard to find THESE DAYS. It has always been hard, and will in all likelihood always be hard.

I personally don't believe in "true love". Psychology (yes I'm a neurotic psychologist in training :AH-HA_wink: ) has shown that love and mutual attachment is largely based on relative factors. For instance, shaver's theory on love shows that people generally attach themselves to those that are in a close proximity to them (a factor in why long distance is harder to work out). The bottom line is that you can and will fall in love several times over the course of your lifetime, and that the path you choose to take your life is what will ultimately decide whether or not is is true love.

The point I'm trying to make is that love is organic. Whats more important than the actual attachment is the feasibility of the partnership you are building. If you see qualities in him that could make him the kind of partner that you'll need through the good times and the bad, then love will typically come right along with it. If you don't see that in him, then it isn't really too deep of a loss. You can and will find someone who can meet your emotional needs, it's just a question of when. Just make sure that when you embark on this grand experiment with him,, that you are watching the little things and the big things-both are very important in building something that will last.

Dissertation over.

-J

[Camino LS6]

Trust yourself.

[A Horse With No Name]

Ditto what Camino said.

Chris

[The O.C.]

OK.....so new update.

I need to know if I'm being overly-sensative, or if I have a legitimate concern.......

On Wednesday, my bf around 9:30 said he wanted to go "grab some food" and go for a quick drive. He likes to get out on his own from time-to-time and explore, so I didn't think too much of it. I'm very aware that we both need our "alone time."

I did think it was wierd that he took a shower, got cleaned up, put on cologne, etc.....but figured "whatever."

He was gone that evening for around 2 hours.....and was in a chipper mood when he got home around 11:30 at night.

Well, today....I was moving the A4 over to wash it in the driveway (which he drove that night) and see in the nav system that is most recent destination was this address in Newport Beach that was a residential apartment/condo address (I checked it out on mapquest and google-earth.)

I confronted him about it this afternoon.....and he said it was his friend's house that lives down here. He acted like it was "no big deal" and that he just "stopped by to say hi."

I was all like....."why the secret?" Why wouldn't he tell me about it, even in casual conversation? Like....."honey, I stopped by and saw my friend in Newport who I haven't seen in a long time" or....why wouldn't he tell me when he was going out that he was going to go "hang out with his friend?"

He was all like....."do I have to tell you everything I do?"

I'm like "no".....but we are bfs....and we live together.....so why would it be a big secret that you are going to go hang out with a friend? Not to mention the fact that it's not a friend he's mentioned before that lives so close in Newport Beach, etc.....

My hair is standing straight up on the back of my neck......I'm thinking the worst......but know I won't get him to admit to "the worst." What do you guys think? Am I being too nosy here, or would you be just as suspicious given the circumstances?

[Croc]

I'd be concerned. I mean, who in their right mind is "chipper" at 11:30pm? SOBER??? Exactly.

[AAS]

I think a bit of suspicion is is understandable. And, as far as the "do I have to tell you everything I do?" part goes... It is YOUR car, so it is your right to know where it went.

[The O.C.]

I'd be concerned. I mean, who in their right mind is "chipper" at 11:30pm? SOBER??? Exactly.

Yeah....I think so too. Thanks bud.

You know it's funny.....everything has been SO good (as good as it can be I guess) since the beginning.....yet....I'm had this cautious wonder in my brain about the whole thing....and that's why I originally started this thread.

All my friends locally here have been telling me how bad of an idea this is.....that they don't trust him, etc.....but I didn't want to "damn" him before giving him a chance.

That's why I thought you guys, not really knowing me, could give me good third-party advice (which you all have.)

We'll see how it goes......he went into the bedroom a bit ago and closed the doors......we'll see what happens when he gets done sulking......

[The O.C.]

I think a bit of suspicion is is understandable. And, as far as the "do I have to tell you everything I do?" part goes... It is YOUR car, so it is your right to know where it went.

I know....I know....

I'm just trying to not "shackle" him down too much.....if I give him permission to borrow my car to go run around or whatever, I'm not necessarily going to grill him about where he went in it....

....but I just don't see why he wouldn't mention it to me. Only makes me seem like there's something to hide is all.

I mean....for goodness sakes....he just moved down here.....doesn't really know anyone.....I think he'd be excited to tell me he connected with a friend of his that lives close.....??????

[Blake Noble]

Oh, I understand where you are coming from, whole-heartedly. It is never a pleasant feeling to trifle with.

Think about how much greater your suspicion and worry would be if he came right out and told you that he had cheated in the past, like my girlfriend did a few months ago. Your trust is never the same after that. I know I will never fully trust my girlfriend after she told me that. Any mention of another guy from her puts me on red alert.

[Camino LS6]

Go easy.

[Paolino]

I'd be concerned. I mean, who in their right mind is "chipper" at 11:30pm? SOBER??? Exactly.

Ummm... me.

Not that I disagree with what Croc says, but I happen to be a night person bigtime... and I like some alone time, or even just coming in from hanging out with friends--and I tend to be a much happier person late at night than I am during the day. I'm much more relaxed. And I'm not a drinker. So, it is completely possible.

That being said, I don't think any of your reactions/feelings are wrong at this point--it makes complete sense why you'd feel the way you do, and yes, the situation is kind-of suspicious. But don't go off the deep end just yet... it's all still new. And you're still learning him.

[The O.C.]

Oh, I understand where you are coming from, whole-heartedly. It is never a pleasant feeling to trifle with.

Think about how much greater your suspicion and worry would be if he came right out and told you that he had cheated in the past, like my girlfriend did a few months ago. Your trust is never the same after that. I know I will never fully trust my girlfriend after she told me that. Any mention of another guy from her puts me on red alert.

Did she tell you she cheated on YOU.....or cheated in general before you???

[The O.C.]

Go easy.

I know.....there's something to be said for that too.......

[Blake Noble]

Did she tell you she cheated on YOU.....or cheated in general before you???

Before me.

However, the fact that of just knowing that she did it before, that makes me watch her very closely, makes me trust her less than what I should. During one of our "discussions," I confronted her about her past unfaithfulness and it's like I asked her, "If you have done it once before, what keeps you from doing it again? What is keeping you from doing it to me?"

Edited April 5, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[The O.C.]

Before me.

However, the fact that of just knowing that she did it before, that makes me watch her very closely, makes me trust her less than what I should. During one of our "discussions," I confronted her about her past unfaithfulness and it's like I asked her, "If you have done it once before, what keeps you from doing it again? What is keeping you from doing it to me?"

I know....makes you wonder.

My problem is that I'm so trustworthy.....at times it's to a fault.....and that can get me in trouble.

But dammit....I have a hard time not believing someone until they give me a reason to not believe them.......

For your situation, I'd say you almost have to look at it from the standpoint.....what's in the past is in the past. Until she gives you a reason not to trust her, move forward with all your heart and trust....just make sure you keep a smart head about it.....

[Blake Noble]

I know....makes you wonder.

My problem is that I'm so trustworthy.....at times it's to a fault.....and that can get me in trouble.

But dammit....I have a hard time not believing someone until they give me a reason to not believe them.......

I try to be trusting as much I can be. But I've found that the times where I have been one-hundred percent trusting of someone or in something, I have been very disappointed and have gotten very hurt as a result.

I know that I try to keep my thumb on things as best I can because of what happened in the past. Sometimes, I step on a toe or two, but it's a small price to pay knowing that I will not get betrayed again.

For your situation, I'd say you almost have to look at it from the standpoint.....what's in the past is in the past. Until she gives you a reason not to trust her, move forward with all your heart and trust....just make sure you keep a smart head about it.....

True.

But, here's something I know that will raise your eyebrow, she started talking to the guy she cheated with again two months ago, someone I actually know. I have no clue if she has talked to him anymore since when I discovered they started talking again, but I know I do not trust her any more than I have since she told me what she had done in the past. In fact, I trust her perhaps a little less.

Edited April 5, 2008 by YellowJacket894

[Croc]

Ummm... me.

Not that I disagree with what Croc says, but I happen to be a night person bigtime... and I like some alone time, or even just coming in from hanging out with friends--and I tend to be a much happier person late at night than I am during the day. I'm much more relaxed. And I'm not a drinker. So, it is completely possible.

That being said, I don't think any of your reactions/feelings are wrong at this point--it makes complete sense why you'd feel the way you do, and yes, the situation is kind-of suspicious. But don't go off the deep end just yet... it's all still new. And you're still learning him.

Oh I'm a night owl through and through...but "chipper" I'm not. My nights are for good conversation and chillaxing, but unless I'm high on something I'm not bouncy or chipper.

Given that he dolled himself up to go over to a friend's house and all...it just strikes me as off. I mean did he just come from the gym and needed to shower/put on cologne or something??

BUT...at least he didn't shower right after coming back home. So it can go either way.

But I've found that in general, if I think something's off, I need to listen to my intuition because it's usually because something is off. Trying to accomodate someone and "I don't want to overreact"-ing usually, at least for me, is more indicative of denial than not.

[Croc]

I try to be trusting as much I can be. But I've found that the times where I have been one-hundred percent trusting of someone or in something, I have been very disappointed and have gotten very hurt as a result.

I know that I try to keep my thumb on things as best I can because of what happened in the past. Sometimes, I step on a toe or two, but it's a small price to pay knowing that I will not get betrayed again.

True.

QFT.

I mean, at least you (OC) were honest about it. Like what's with the sulking if it really was no big deal? Honestly, what you should do is invite this other guy over for dinner or something to get to know him since if he's a friend of your BF's and all...and then you can get a read on the chemistry or hopefully lack therof. Just don't be a ninny about it and be all obvious.

[The O.C.]

Given that he dolled himself up to go over to a friend's house and all...it just strikes me as off. I mean did he just come from the gym and needed to shower/put on cologne or something??

That's the thing....he didn't tell me he was going over to a friend's house....or else I probably wouldn't have had an issue with it.

It was getting late in the evening and we'd been couch potatos for a while that night and I could tell he was getting restless.....so he said he was going to run out and "get something to eat" and maybe take a "bit of a drive."

I did think it was wierd for him to take a shower, put on cologne, and get "pretty-boy'd" up to just go out and get something to eat or take a drive. That tells me he knew he was going over there, but chose not to tell me....either because he was doing something he shouldn't have, or because maybe he THOUGHT I'd think he was doing something he shouldn't have.

The one thing I told him over-and-over was......just be honest with me.

If he'd had told me he wanted to run out and hang out with this friend, I would have had absolutely NO problem with it.....at all.......

The fact that he didn't tell me either before he went out, or when he got back.....when I ASKED him what he ended up doing.....is the thing that's making me suspicious.....

[CARBIZ]

Ah, the Big Gay Challenge: to be young, attractive and free in a big city. My ex used to drive me crazy. Guys would throw themselves at his feet. I wasn't the jealous type, but I was getting fed up with breaking off friendships with people who only wanted to land him in bed.

Y'know the 'ol saying: If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, make an ugly woman your wife," or something like that.

You and he are going to have to find your own state of equilibrium. Somewhere between how much you want to be with him and how much trust and freedom the relationship can handle lies the future. It's easy for us armchair critics to tell you to do this or do that, but in the end it is your nature and his that will determine this outcome. Pepper him with 60-questions and you may drive him away; let sleeping dogs lie, and you could drive yourself crazy.

I do have to say this, however: if a relationship encounters undue stresses and tribulations in the beginning, then something is amiss. Love is never easy, but it isn't supposed to be a battlefield. I mean, didn't he just move in? He needs his freedom already? It usually takes 6 months or more of walks every single night before the bloom is off the rose.

(Okay, I am mixing my metaphors. I'm tired.) Let's argue about Toyota - it's easier.

[A Horse With No Name]

...but with toyota, it's just as easy to get screwed.

Seriously, I was really hoping for the best for you, O.C. I couldn't handle it if I thouhgt my wife was cheating on me.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Chris

[wildcat]

. . . I need to know if I'm being overly-sensative . . . "do I have to tell you everything I do?". . . why would it be a big secret . . . I'm thinking the worst . . .

When I originally saw this thread, I said to myself, "Just keep quiet. I've had, ultimately, failed relationships, so who am I to even try to help somebody else when I couldn't help myself?" Anyway, after reading your update, it shouldn't be that he has to tell you, it should be that he wants to tell you, without your having to pull it out of him. I went through something similar, and I've always believed that honesty is the best quality you can have in someone. The looks, etc etc are all fine and dandy but if you don't have honesty, you've got nothing. I don't want you to be hurt, so make sure that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't respond in anger or with hurt. Keep an open mind, but don't be afraid to ask (not accuse) about something. Communicate.

Best wishes.

[The O.C.]

When I originally saw this thread, I said to myself, "Just keep quiet. I've had, ultimately, failed relationships, so who am I to even try to help somebody else when I couldn't help myself?" Anyway, after reading your update, it shouldn't be that he has to tell you, it should be that he wants to tell you, without your having to pull it out of him. I went through something similar, and I've always believed that honesty is the best quality you can have in someone. The looks, etc etc are all fine and dandy but if you don't have honesty, you've got nothing. I don't want you to be hurt, so make sure that you say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't respond in anger or with hurt. Keep an open mind, but don't be afraid to ask (not accuse) about something. Communicate.

Best wishes.

Thanks bud.

We talked about it again today and he got really defensive (which makes me be even more suspicious.) However, I approached it calmly and basically just told him how I felt and that I just asked he be honest with me.

He contends that he needs to "meet his own friends" and build a life (which he does......) and I'm fully supportive of that. Just don't keep "secrets" from me, no matter how inoffensive they really may be.

So things are okay for now. Now he knows how I feel.......so we'll see what happens the next time such an occurrence happens (if it does.)

[daves87rs]

I hope everything works out for you O.C.......

[regfootball]

it seems like the whole situation is a wrong foot type of thing, but i guess in my opinion, your skepticism is justified. If the person was just a friend i would guess he's be excited to tell you about that other person and even want you to meet him.....and also the cologne thing. no one puts cologne on that late at night just to smell crisp and clean.

one thought, could this merely be a friend that he's saying goodbye to in a way? Like ending a relationship with?

or maybe, he is confused and really likes you and maybe just has a little bit of interest yet for another and hasn't been able to sort it out in his own mind yet?

Edited April 6, 2008 by regfootball

[The O.C.]

it seems like the whole situation is a wrong foot type of thing, but i guess in my opinion, your skepticism is justified. If the person was just a friend i would guess he's be excited to tell you about that other person and even want you to meet him.....and also the cologne thing. no one puts cologne on that late at night just to smell crisp and clean.

one thought, could this merely be a friend that he's saying goodbye to in a way? Like ending a relationship with?

or maybe, he is confused and really likes you and maybe just has a little bit of interest yet for another and hasn't been able to sort it out in his own mind yet?

All good points.

I'm like you.....if it was a friend, why not tell me when he got home that "hey....I stopped by and saw a friend of mine that lives in Newport....and we had a great time...!" That's what I would have done.

As far as his feelings for me, I know that he loves me truly.....as most of you know, that something that can't easily be faked. He shows it to me. That, I have no question. Does he have an alterior motive though? That's what I'm trying to figure out......what I'm wondering. BUT.....living together, as we are now.....he won't be able to hide any kind of alterior motive THAT long......something will come out.....

Worst-case scenario, this was some sort of hookup....either random, or with someone he's known for awhile.

BUT....I haven't succumbed to that assertion yet. I have no real or hard evidence of that. I'm letting it go.....and will just see how things progress in the next few weeks.

[Oracle of Delphi]

My two cents, men are biologically programmed to spread their seed to as many willing partners that will allow it, whether your straight, bi or gay, makes no difference, nature wants genetic diversity, that's why men are whores!

I used to be that way, but I've changed, honest!

Edited April 6, 2008 by Pontiac Custom-S

[CARBIZ]

My two cents, men are biologically programmed to spread their seed to as many willing partners that will allow it, whether your straight, bi or gay, makes no difference, nature wants genetic diversity, that's why men are whores!

I used to be that way, but I've changed, honest!

[vonVeezelsnider]

Sad but true...

[The O.C.]

My two cents, men are biologically programmed to spread their seed to as many willing partners that will allow it, whether your straight, bi or gay, makes no difference, nature wants genetic diversity, that's why men are whores!

I used to be that way, but I've changed, honest!

I know....I know.....but I'm the kind of guy that feels.....you cheat on me....we're done. There are no second chances.....there are no excuses......buh-bye.......

Maybe I'll end up a lonely old man as a result, but if I can keep my morales in check and not cheat, there's gotta be someone else out there that can too......

[jcgable]

I'm probably going to sound like a broken record here, but:

I am a huge supporter of following one's gut. Regardless of whether or not there was infidelity, the fact that his behavior is causing you this much anxiety is a problem. These are the kinds of challenges where the long term feasibility of your relationship is tested. In order to have a strong and honest relationship, you two HAVE to be able to discuss these kinds of things without the other getting defensive. One's independence is something that you have to give up when you are in a partnership (to some extent).

I do have a few questions though:

1) Do you have any insecurities about why he is involved with you? (I don't know your financial status, your physical experience, your age, his age, etc., so this could be totally off base) If you unsure about his motivations for being in a relationship with you, then that can make you more suspicious of his behaviors than what may be necessary.

2) Have you two discussed the parameters of your relationship? Open relationships are far more common in the gay community, so those of us who value monogamy are often less vocal about our opinions on the subject. If you have, then you have every right to be curious about his behaviors. If you haven't, you still have the right to be curious, but it gives him a bit more clout if he did stray.

3) Has he given you any other reasons to be suspicious? Have you caught him lying about things in the past, regardless of how unimportant or miniscule the lie might be? (Actually, you should be especially worried if he lies often about things that are unimportant).

Regardless of those answers, there is one piece of wisdom (I don't have much) that I can give you: Keeping a relationship together should be your top priority with one exception: taking care of yourself. Making a relationship work takes a lot of compromise, however your own happiness should never be on the list of sacrifices.

-Jon

[regfootball]

My two cents, men are biologically programmed to spread their seed to as many willing partners that will allow it, whether your straight, bi or gay, makes no difference, nature wants genetic diversity, that's why men are whores!

I used to be that way, but I've changed, honest!

ah, i get it now. alfred sloane did not invent rebadging. it seems as if there may be several models and variants running around on the borger platform, however.

probably none in AU though....LOL

Edited April 7, 2008 by regfootball

[Drew Dowdell]

I've been staying out of this because of my relationship history in 2007 but the urge to comment in this thread is overwhelming.

Take the keys. Change the locks. Throw his stuff into a box.

One doesn't get defensive about going to visit a friend. He's lying and he's not even good at it.

[Croc]

One doesn't get defensive about going to visit a friend. He's lying and he's not even good at it.

To put it bluntly...

[vonVeezelsnider]

ah, i get it now. alfred sloane did not invent rebadging. it seems as if there may be several models and variants running around on the borger platform, however.

probably none in AU though....LOL

:rotflmao:

I've been staying out of this because of my relationship history in 2007 but the urge to comment in this thread is overwhelming.

Take the keys. Change the locks. Throw his stuff into a box.

One doesn't get defensive about going to visit a friend. He's lying and he's not even good at it.

I've been wanting to say the same thing...

[The O.C.]

I've been staying out of this because of my relationship history in 2007 but the urge to comment in this thread is overwhelming.

That's probably one reason your feedback would be GOOD.......I'm not sure the nature of your situation last year......but I'm sure you've got some great feedback to give.

I did alot of thinking last night......and I'm now wondering if I'm not a "meal ticket" for him to get down to SoCal and start a new life for himself? I know he cares about me....but what if I'm just more of a convenience....? He KNOWS I'm not a "sugar daddy" and it's not like I'm made out of money. I don't give him money either. BUT, I guess he sees it as a chance to live somewhere for free while he gets to enjoy a new life down here. (He doesn't have a job yet....nor has he started looking in the last 2 weeks or so.) I guess I would see this easier if, for example, I was wealthy and just blew money on him all the time.....but I'm not wealthy.....and he knows that.

We don't even have sex all that often. This really came into focus last night when I was thinking about it. Granted, when we DO have sex, it's incredible.....but even at 37, I'm a total horn-dog and could "do it" 2-3 times a day if given the chance......he isn't....and just says that he just doesn't get horny that often. I'm all like "....at 26 you don't get horny....?"

And I've noticed that many times......I'm the one that's more affectionate and more inclined to reach forward for a kiss, or reach out and hold his hand, etc.

BUT....then at times, he'll go shock me and do something really romantic. Maybe it's all just the part he's trying to play.

It was a convenient time for him. Late last year, he got laid off.....moved out of his apartment (temporarily in with his mom).....had his ex-bf take back his car (current gen Mustang GT).....and here I come along......

(I guess I'm answering my own questions, aren't I....?)

You know.....I guess I just needed to get him down here to really see the light of day......and perhaps I'm seeing the true light now that he's been down here a few weeks......I don't know.....

But what if I'm wrong? What if my anal-compulsive nature is reading WAY too much into all of this? AARRRGGGHHH.......

Damn this is going to drive me to ......or I guess drinking more than I already do.......lol

[The O.C.]

:rotflmao:

I've been wanting to say the same thing...

Thanks bud.....

I really do appreciate EVERYONE's comments on here.....so please don't hold back being candid.......

I appreciate everyone dealing with my whining over this situation. You know what? Even aside from everyone's feedback......it helps....and makes me feel better.....to be able to just even type down how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking......and reflecting back upon all of that.....

So thanks everyone......I appreciate all of you.....

[CARBIZ]

That's probably one reason your feedback would be GOOD.......I'm not sure the nature of your situation last year......but I'm sure you've got some great feedback to give.

I did alot of thinking last night......and I'm now wondering if I'm not a "meal ticket" for him to get down to SoCal and start a new life for himself? I know he cares about me....but what if I'm just more of a convenience....? He KNOWS I'm not a "sugar daddy" and it's not like I'm made out of money. I don't give him money either. BUT, I guess he sees it as a chance to live somewhere for free while he gets to enjoy a new life down here. (He doesn't have a job yet....nor has he started looking in the last 2 weeks or so.) I guess I would see this easier if, for example, I was wealthy and just blew money on him all the time.....but I'm not wealthy.....and he knows that.

We don't even have sex all that often. This really came into focus last night when I was thinking about it. Granted, when we DO have sex, it's incredible.....but even at 37, I'm a total horn-dog and could "do it" 2-3 times a day if given the chance......he isn't....and just says that he just doesn't get horny that often. I'm all like "....at 26 you don't get horny....?"

And I've noticed that many times......I'm the one that's more affectionate and more inclined to reach forward for a kiss, or reach out and hold his hand, etc.

BUT....then at times, he'll go shock me and do something really romantic. Maybe it's all just the part he's trying to play.

It was a convenient time for him. Late last year, he got laid off.....moved out of his apartment (temporarily in with his mom).....had his ex-bf take back his car (current gen Mustang GT).....and here I come along......

(I guess I'm answering my own questions, aren't I....?)

You know.....I guess I just needed to get him down here to really see the light of day......and perhaps I'm seeing the true light now that he's been down here a few weeks......I don't know.....

But what if I'm wrong? What if my anal-compulsive nature is reading WAY too much into all of this? AARRRGGGHHH.......

Damn this is going to drive me to ......or I guess drinking more than I already do.......lol

I am not going to get on my high horse here because I know only too well how sex and passion die after 5 or 6 years (BF and I are going to hit our 6th anniversary in a few weeks and our sex life is down to once a month), but if there are that many question marks at the BEGINNING of a relationship, then it bodes horrible for the future. The first year or so of being together is full of puppy dogs and cotton candy - yours sounds more like the beginning of a weepy Barbara Stanwyck movie. (And if you don't know who she is, I am stripping you of your license!)

I hope you can work things out, but if I were you, I'd be stocking up on kleenex and lorazepam.

[Drew Dowdell]

That's probably one reason your feedback would be GOOD.......I'm not sure the nature of your situation last year......but I'm sure you've got some great feedback to give.

I did alot of thinking last night......and I'm now wondering if I'm not a "meal ticket" for him to get down to SoCal and start a new life for himself? I know he cares about me....but what if I'm just more of a convenience....? He KNOWS I'm not a "sugar daddy" and it's not like I'm made out of money. I don't give him money either. BUT, I guess he sees it as a chance to live somewhere for free while he gets to enjoy a new life down here. (He doesn't have a job yet....nor has he started looking in the last 2 weeks or so.) I guess I would see this easier if, for example, I was wealthy and just blew money on him all the time.....but I'm not wealthy.....and he knows that.

We don't even have sex all that often. This really came into focus last night when I was thinking about it. Granted, when we DO have sex, it's incredible.....but even at 37, I'm a total horn-dog and could "do it" 2-3 times a day if given the chance......he isn't....and just says that he just doesn't get horny that often. I'm all like "....at 26 you don't get horny....?"

And I've noticed that many times......I'm the one that's more affectionate and more inclined to reach forward for a kiss, or reach out and hold his hand, etc.

BUT....then at times, he'll go shock me and do something really romantic. Maybe it's all just the part he's trying to play.

It was a convenient time for him. Late last year, he got laid off.....moved out of his apartment (temporarily in with his mom).....had his ex-bf take back his car (current gen Mustang GT).....and here I come along......

(I guess I'm answering my own questions, aren't I....?)

You know.....I guess I just needed to get him down here to really see the light of day......and perhaps I'm seeing the true light now that he's been down here a few weeks......I don't know.....

But what if I'm wrong? What if my anal-compulsive nature is reading WAY too much into all of this? AARRRGGGHHH.......

Damn this is going to drive me to ......or I guess drinking more than I already do.......lol

My situation - abridged:

Meet guy online, chat for about two weeks, meet for coffee, then dinner. Great first date.

regular dating commences

after about a month and a half into it, we're heading to his sister's LaCrosse match and while I'm driving he takes out some chapstick, applies it to himself, then reaches over and puts some on me... I think it's super sweet and tell him I love him. Tears ensue.

He has no job, but has a decent savings.

Fast forward a few months. We're basically living together in my house and his apartment. He was in the army. He was deployed for 2 months. While away the lease on his apartment runs out. His roommates decide not to continue living there. Everyone parts ways. He has no place to go. His dad and I move his stuff into my house while he is deployed.

Fast forward 5 months: I lose my job but I've already started the real estate investing thing. I decide to do this full time. He still has no job.

He ends up diagnosed with severe restrictive sleep apnea. It's not from weight, he's 130lbs soaking wet, it's from over sized tonsils. He has a tonsillectomy. He has complications in surgery and ends up in the ICU for 4 days. I spend each day by his bedside. I'm there when he comes out of the anesthesia. His priest joins us at one point. The priest knows we're a couple. Privately, he blesses us. I take him home from the hospital and nurse him for 3 or 4 more days.

He starts cosmetology school, funded mostly by the army and the remaining with student loans. This Iraqi war veteran <served in Iraq 20 months total> with a masters degree from an esteemed university wants to paint nails and cut hair as a career.

I support him throughout beauty school. I don't pay for the schooling itself, but I do pay for all living expenses.

I hit a rough spot with my apartment business. I tell him he either needs to get a job or help me out with construction work. He gets a job as a salon receptionist until he has his cosmetology license. I end up having to go back to consulting... I also get a job at a local home improvement chain to get the discount.

He finishes school and gets a job at a very high end salon. I get no help financially towards the running of the house. Around this same time the sex life dies. He claims it's because I'm not happy anymore. I'm working 80 hours a week minimum.

He becomes super secretive. Strange things start popping up around the house. They are "gifts from clients".

A few nights he doesn't even come home. He was "out all night at the bar...with friends" nevermind that he rarely drinks... and he can't remember which friends.

I figure out fairly quickly that he is cheating on me with a very prominent, 69 year old, fat, millionaire who used to be president of a very very conservative publication here in PGH which has direct ties to the outing and continuation of the Monica Lewinsky affair. He quickly finds out that people LOVE to talk and have given me all the details I ask for.

I try to drag us to couples counciling but to no avail. He's gone.

He moved into sugardaddy's mansion where he still lives. He was dumb and left a LOT of stuff behind...including things that are irreplaceable.

I've changed his name to Chas Nicole Smith. Many, if not most, of our friends, and even some of his, have shunned him for 1. what he did and 2. the fact that it creeps them out he's sleeping with a 70 year old fat guy basically for money.

The latter half of the tawdry affair finds it's way into the hands of reporters from a competing, liberal, publication.... though I have no idea how that happened.

About a week prior to my trip to Germany in August, he msges me on AIM saying "I really need to get my stuff back." This is 8 months after he moved out. Being involved in real estate I know the property abandonment laws in Pennsylvania.

My only response to him; "I mean this in the nicest possible way. Rot in hell."

And that is the last time we've had any communication.

[Drew Dowdell]

So yeah, I didn't want to inject my bitterness into the thread.

yours sounds more like the beginning of a weepy Barbara Stanwyck movie. (And if you don't know who she is, I am stripping you of your license!)

Some of us just aren't as aged.... er.... learned... as you Carbiz.

[CARBIZ]

My situation - abridged:

Meet guy online, chat for about two weeks, meet for coffee, then dinner. Great first date.

regular dating commences

after about a month and a half into it, we're heading to his sister's LaCrosse match and while I'm driving he takes out some chapstick, applies it to himself, then reaches over and puts some on me... I think it's super sweet and tell him I love him. Tears ensue.

He has no job, but has a decent savings.

Fast forward a few months. We're basically living together in my house and his apartment. He was in the army. He was deployed for 2 months. While away the lease on his apartment runs out. His roommates decide not to continue living there. Everyone parts ways. He has no place to go. His dad and I move his stuff into my house while he is deployed.

Fast forward 5 months: I lose my job but I've already started the real estate investing thing. I decide to do this full time. He still has no job.

He starts cosmetology school, funded mostly by the army and the remaining with student loans. This Iraqi war veteran <served 20 months total> with a masters degree from an esteemed university wants to paint nails and cut hair as a career.

I support him throughout beauty school. I don't pay for the schooling itself, but I do pay for all living expenses.

I hit a rough spot with my apartment business. I tell him he either needs to get a job or help me out with construction work. He gets a job as a salon receptionist until he has his cosmetology license. I end up having to go back to consulting... I also get a job at a local home improvement chain to get the discount.

He finishes school and gets a job at a very high end salon. I get no help financially towards the running of the house. Around this same time the sex life dies. He claims it's because I'm not happy anymore. I'm working 80 hours a week minimum.

He becomes super secretive. Strange things start popping up around the house. They are "gifts from clients".

A few nights he doesn't even come home. He was "out all night at the bar...with friends" nevermind that he rarely drinks... and he can't remember which friends.

I figure out fairly quickly that he is cheating on me with a very prominent, 69 year old, fat, millionaire who used to be president of a very very conservative publication here in PGH which has direct ties to the outing and continuation of the Monica Lewinsky affair. He quickly finds out that people LOVE to talk and have given me all the details I ask for.

I try to drag us to couples counciling but to no avail. He's gone.

He moved into sugardaddy's mansion where he still lives. He was dumb and left a LOT of stuff behind...including things that are irreplaceable.

I've changed his name to Chas Nicole Smith. Many, if not most, of our friends, and even some of his, have shunned him for 1. what he did and 2. the fact that it creeps them out he's sleeping with a 70 year old fat guy basically for money.

The latter half of the tawdry affair finds it's way into the hands of reporters from a competing, liberal, publication.... though I have no idea how that happened.

About a week prior to my trip to Germany in August, he msges me on AIM saying "I really need to get my stuff back." This is 8 months after he moved out. Being involved in real estate I know the property abandonment laws in Pennsylvania.

My only response to him; "I mean this in the nicest possible way. Rot in hell."And that is the last time we've had any communication.

Well, as long as you're not bitter. I think you handled that with maturity and grace.

I still have foot marks on my back from guys climbing over me to get to my (EX) BF. He was 23 and I was 30 when we met. He was hot, the sex was great, but the problems were many. Current BF (6 years) is a saint. He can count the number of guys he has slept with in his life (he is 38) on his hands ( a feat that I could not have done after the age of 17). I am much happier now. Maybe it was his Jehovah's Witness routes (yeah, I can pick 'em) or maybe it is the fact that for the first year we were together he barely spoke English (Brazilian), but he is so laid back, so honest, so frighteningly easy going - well, I know Mother Theresa died after he was born, but I think her spirit somehow infused into him.

Anyway, enough about me...so, what do you think about me? (To coint a phrase from one of my favorite movies.)

Seriously, back to OC's drama...............